To hell and reaching toward heaven

Submitted by Mountain85 on
Printer-friendly version

When I was a child I remember being very outgoing with lots of motivation. That all changed when I was about 14. Now that I think about it. It's the same time I began to start a internet porn addiction. I had my own computer in my room. I would spend my entire weekends and evenings watching porn, often even skipping sleep. This has continued into my adult life and I am now 25. I have suffered bad social anxiety, and a lack of any motivation. I never connected these things together. I also, never really knew how bad I was addicted until I tried to quit. I realized I can only get aroused with porn. I had been in a great relationship and lived with my love for two years. She ended up cheating on me and I know a lot of it had to do with the fact that I wasn't showing her much sexual interest. Instead, I would look at porn when she wasn't at home or was asleep. After our break up I started smoking heavily. I started dating a new friend and realized I had developed ED even with porn. I thought it was because of the smoking so I quit cold turkey. I've always been sensitive to drugs and chemicals. I experienced a very extreme withdrawal. Like I was was in a living nightmare. I started on a ssri and then to St. John's Wort to deal with the withdrawal. I felt decent for a few months but all with these I had a total drop in libido and my ED worsened. So again I quit cold turkey. I've since experienced with worst part of my life for the last few weeks. I feel totally disconnected. With no emotions besides worry and depression. It scares me not to have emotion. I can not cry or smile. I can't connected with people. The only good thing is that my ED has seemed to gotten a lot better, but I still have no libido. During the last week I came across these sites. I've realized that my porn addiction has made a great impact on my life. Would you recommend quitting now or waiting until my ssri and st. john's wort withdrawal has improved? Have any of you experienced a loss of emotion? Does it get better with time? I feel so desperate. I've never shared these things before with anyone. I'm scared I will never be normal again. I want to feel better so I can help and make people happy in this world that is full of so much suffering. Thank you.


I was hoping Marnia would be the first to answer your posting. She has more experience dealing with you situation and is full of invaluable advice. But since she hasn't seen this one just yet, she is busy, I had to let you know that we are all here to support your decision. I say decision because that is all it takes to take your life back. Choose to make a decision on your path and then stick by it, don't second guess yourself. Know deep down that this is the right path to take. Keep reminding yourself of that.

My advice is to ditch the porn right away. The porn was the catalyst that brought on the problems that later required the medication. Removing the catalyst from the equation will start the progress towards balance. The rest is a matter of time and patience.

If you are feeling overwhelmed by it all at any point. Come here and write it down, get it out what you are feeling, what you are experiencing, everything. None of us are here to judge you at all. We are all fighting this same fight. We are here to lend an ear and support you when you need help. In time you will feel stronger yourself, strong enough to help others even. The key is patience.

Individually we may falter, working together we can conquer.

"Imagination is more important than knowledge"

"We cannot become what we need to be by remaining what we are."
Max Depree

Be the kind of person that when you wake up in the morning the devils says, "Oh Crap, It's up!"

You can't undo 11 years in a

You can't undo 11 years in a flash. It takes time and effort to get through. I'd focus less on ED and more on rebuilding your life. You might come out better than normal for it as you will see both sides of the human experience and relate to others more profoundly.

Blog away and share your journey. That will help you and others and provide a connected feeling before you might feel ready for real humans. Although, you should get out and be with real humans. That is better than medication or porn and will smooth the bumps on this path. You will begin to realize many/most are like you were and that you have chosen to rise above normal.

Thanks so much for the

Thanks so much for the support and comments! I think today I will start this journey. I feel more confident with all of the support. Maybe ditching the porn will help as my brain returns to balance and be a catalyst for further up regulation. I have a long road ahead. But, I can get through it one day at a time. I used to practice zen meditation a few years ago and I regret not keeping up with it. Has anyone here found that meditation helps with the process? Thanks again!

Withdrawal is a bitch

For others' accounts of it, see:

The horrible feeling that "this is going to go on forever" is what drives people back into their addictions. In other words, what you're feeling is normal. It will take time to pass, but there are definitely things you can do to ease the misery.

First, if you haven't done it, you may want to listen to Gary's powerpoint "Your Brain on Porn" series, just so you understand what's going on in your brain:

Meditation is a great idea, even though it may take a bit to feel the full benefits. There are lots of similar tools here: (See "Solo Tools")

But keep in mind that socializing ( and exercise ( are also really powerful "meds."

Let us know how you get on. And remember, that bright, lively kid is the REAL you. Don't be fooled. The rest of it will evaporate as your brain returns to it's normal sensitivity and balance.

*big hug*