Submitted by spaceman98 on
Printer-friendly version

I wanted to get some feedback on a phenomena that has perplexed me for some time. Currently my partner and I are in different countries and plan to live together next month for the first time. In the past 6 months we have experimented with the exchanges together in a very structured way and found good results. No the commitment level is about to go to the next level I am experiencing some anxiety. Some of my old fears have surfaced about being in an intimate relationship. I recognise some of these fears and reading about the"intimacy sabotaging device" sheds some light on them. It been almost 2 weeks since I had an orgasm through dream. The last few days I have felt very strong anxieties and alongside that have felt like all my sexual energies have awakened.

At times I feel a great openness and sensitivity where by even just the though of my partner is highly arousing, I have gone through some deep healing from my recent marriage from which the divorce is almost final. This has broken through some of the defensive layers around my heart which has left me quite vulnerable at times. I have been able to show my new partner this side of me for the first time in our relationship which feels good. However not being together physically has been hard. I miss the cuddles a lot and the nurturing feeling. One thing that trouble me is how when we talk on Skype sometimes I notice some small ejaculation afterwards. There are times when it feels like we are out of sync with each other and I experience this as quite painful triggering old fears. Natural feelings during hangover period?..maybe

I haven't always been aware of being so aroused during the call which can be just a short normal conversation. Is this normal? In the midst of the swirling torrents of sexual energy and some of the anxiety around this I am experiencing my heart begins to shudder and the tension shifts into a heightened state of awareness where I become very present and still to everything. This journey is both electrifying and very scary. I feel right now as though the very core of my identity is being changed. I still carry doubts that the relationship will work/compatibility etc but wonder if these fears and insecurities are coming from that part of me that would prefer to dance to biologies tune and sees a committed relationship as barrier to that. The other thing that I notice is that I have strong feelings sometimes around having a child with my new love and so those biological instincts may be very appropriate.

So for now I rest in this uncertain terrain both outwardly and inwardly and trust in the unfolding process of life.
Peace and love to you all

Sounds like

you're a sensitive man and your body knows you're supposed to be getting more touch and companionship.

Real intimacy is the scariest thing on the planet, frankly. What with biology messing up our past relationships and our parents' relationships, it's a big step. No wonder we just want to grab some sex and bolt. Wink You're a brave, healthy man to choose real intimacy.

Be gentle with yourself. While there are no guarantees in life, you have a good knowledge base now, which should enable you to steer for harmony. There will be bumps, and you'll learn from them. But at least there should be lots of love and caring for each other. That's already a lot here on The Planet of Screwy Relationships. Smile

Try to stay in the present, and avoid projecting into the future. It's guaranteed to be not as predicted in any event.

*big hug*

the hardest week

Its been quite a tough week. My proposed move to spain to be with my partner has fallen through and we have called of the move and realised that even though we love each other its a move that wont be beneficial for us both long term.
The loss I felt has been quite intense, the hardest part is the loss of physical intimacy and nuturing affection that we have shared together and enjoyed and being without this again.
In the midst of this I have fallen into an old patttern of masturbation once a week, something which I hadnt done for over a year and this has excarcebated the feeling of loss and pain. It is though my old brain has said "well you not gonna get any more caring deep nuturing affection so you may as well take some pleasure" I have tried to work with the feelings of grief in a concious way and have started to feel a strenght and clarity that I havent felt for a while so it it is hard that alongside this I have fallen into old ways again. There is a feeling there that perhaps it is not good for me to be in relationships and I should use my energy to focus in other ways . Anyway I just need to pen some of these feelings down

I'm sorry

the move didn't work out. Maybe it's The Giant Hand at work, and your ideal mate is closer to home. Certainly don't conclude that you can't have nurturing. I bet there are a lot of single women in your country, too.

*big hug*