I wanted to get some feedback on a phenomena that has perplexed me for some time. Currently my partner and I are in different countries and plan to live together next month for the first time. In the past 6 months we have experimented with the exchanges together in a very structured way and found good results. No the commitment level is about to go to the next level I am experiencing some anxiety. Some of my old fears have surfaced about being in an intimate relationship. I recognise some of these fears and reading about the"intimacy sabotaging device" sheds some light on them. It been almost 2 weeks since I had an orgasm through dream. The last few days I have felt very strong anxieties and alongside that have felt like all my sexual energies have awakened.
At times I feel a great openness and sensitivity where by even just the though of my partner is highly arousing, I have gone through some deep healing from my recent marriage from which the divorce is almost final. This has broken through some of the defensive layers around my heart which has left me quite vulnerable at times. I have been able to show my new partner this side of me for the first time in our relationship which feels good. However not being together physically has been hard. I miss the cuddles a lot and the nurturing feeling. One thing that trouble me is how when we talk on Skype sometimes I notice some small ejaculation afterwards. There are times when it feels like we are out of sync with each other and I experience this as quite painful triggering old fears. Natural feelings during hangover period?..maybe
I haven't always been aware of being so aroused during the call which can be just a short normal conversation. Is this normal? In the midst of the swirling torrents of sexual energy and some of the anxiety around this I am experiencing my heart begins to shudder and the tension shifts into a heightened state of awareness where I become very present and still to everything. This journey is both electrifying and very scary. I feel right now as though the very core of my identity is being changed. I still carry doubts that the relationship will work/compatibility etc but wonder if these fears and insecurities are coming from that part of me that would prefer to dance to biologies tune and sees a committed relationship as barrier to that. The other thing that I notice is that I have strong feelings sometimes around having a child with my new love and so those biological instincts may be very appropriate.
So for now I rest in this uncertain terrain both outwardly and inwardly and trust in the unfolding process of life.
Peace and love to you all