First, I have to say that I can't believe that I've found a forum to open up to. I've suffered silently over the last few years, and the last few months particularily so, with ED and the devestating effect it's had on my relationships, my self-esteem, my confidence, and my general well-being. For so long, I've wondered what is wrong with me and how I can fix it while keeping it a secret - it's reassuring to see a community of people who also have suffered (and overcome) what I have.
I'll keep my story brief (27yrs, male). Over the past several years, I've suffered increasingly worse symptoms of ED. After a breakup with my first love at 21, I began to experience soft erections whenever a condom was involved, but fine without it. Around 23, I began dating a girl and I couldn't maintain an erection even without a condom, and we broke up. Shortly after, I began using half-pills of Viagra to maintain an erection for another girl I was dating for several months, but I couldn't get an erection with her at all without it. When she broke up with me, I hit a two-year battle with depression, shame, and self-worthlessness that put my life into simply a state of existence. Nothing more, I was empty inside. It was so terrible to feel like I wasn't able to have sex anymore, much less become intimate with someone else. Would I be like this for the rest of my life?
Last fall, I began dating someone else, and I was secretly taking portions of Viagra pills, trying to wean myself off while building my sexual confidence. After 6 months, I couldn't hide it anymore from someone I loved - I told her everything. I have never felt more vulnerable in my entire life. She told me that she understood, that she loved me, and that we could work on it together. She broke up with me two weeks later.
That's ok, though, because I've finally realized that this problem is never going to go away unless I get in front of it and face it. Since then (6 weeks ago), I've decided to do something about it. I've approached a counsellor, who suggested I likely had performance anxiety, which I had already suspected. I went to the doctor hoping to get a test for low testosterone (which I still need to do), but I was surprised to learn that my daily habit of smoking marijuana could be a major contributor to the ED.
Today, I've learned that I might have a PMB addiction from this site. For the last several years, I've been smoking marijuana and using P to MB on an almost daily basis. Sometimes, much more. The scenes have become increasingly "shameful," to the point regular P doesn't do much for me anymore. I can MB without it, but it's more difficult to maintain an erection, and my thoughts wander quite easily, causing me to lose focus. I've been doing this for several years.
So, here's the changes I've made to deal with this so far:
- For the last six weeks, I've begun taking a multivitamin and 240mg of gingko bilboa (circulation booster) daily.
- Last week, after hearing from the doctor and researching online that marijuana can be a major cause of ED, I've quit 100% cold turkey. I'm only on day 10, though.
- Two days ago, I began taking a supplement called Drive (www.driverx.com) that claims to increase male potency and libido, although I'm skeptical. I'm desperate, though.
- I still need to get that testosterone test, and I will, but the doctor thought that was likely not the case. I need to rule it out though.
And now, after seeing this site and the SUCCESS people have had in overcoming performance anxiety and ED with a mental rebooting and abstinence from P/MB, I'm quitting that cold turkey as well. Starting right this moment. I can't believe that all this time, I may have an addiction to PMB that may be the cause to this problem.
I'll do almost anything to overcome this. I'm so tired of being a victim and needing a pill to have sex. It's not natural, they aren't healthy, and they only mask the problem. I want to be happy with relationships and intimacy again, and I'm willing to do the work to get there.
So that's it, I guess. If anyone can offer insight, suggestions, encouragment or whatever - feel free to respond. I'd particularily like to hear from anyone who has experienced a situation similar to mine, and how they overcame it. Is this a good strategy? What can I expect? What am I doing wrong? How long did it take? Did this help with performance anxiety? How does it feel to finally overcome this problem?
Thanks for reading, everyone!