15 days into my rebooting attempt (I'm a bad case)

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Submitted by Goel on
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I wrote this on "your brain on porn" some time ago. As I reach day 30, I'll update you with a new post.

First I'll tell you my background, and how I ended up in this sad state. English is not my first language.

I'm 29 years old now, and got my first glimpses of porn as an 11 year old. During puberty I found some VHS tapes, and at 16 I had access to my own computer with internet porn.

During my youth I was often nervous, angsty, and struggeling with anger an anxiety. As I moved away from home, with a 10mbit internet connection, I compensated more and more with porn.

In my first encounters with girls my penis never responded naturally. This was true even as a 22 year old. The presence of a girl alone could not get me hard, because I was a chronic mastrubator. I could mastrubate 10 times a day, 16 hours a day, and I'm really not kidding. At 24 I finally lost my virginity, and had to manually stimulate myself to rise to the occasion.

I settled down with a girlfriend, meanwhile keeping up with my porn habbits. She was a very complicant woman, and let me stimulate myself to get hard by every intercourse. Consequently I didn't see the signals of danger.

Our relationship ended after a while (for entirely other reasons) meanwhile my porn use escalated, with more and more extreme genres and content. And it became increasingly difficult to get hard. As a consequence, I sought even more bizarre genres within the porn world.

In frustration that my penis wouldn't respond anymore, I tried mastrubating forcefully when it was limp. I pinched my glans between my thumb and index finger, and managed to hurt myself, badly. My penis was numb for weeks, and now I have a painful scar on my glans with possible blood clotting and nerve damage. It had to go that far for me to realize I had a problem.

I tried to cut down on my use, but found that I needed my "fix" to operate in everyday life. To sleep I mastrubated, and every morning I would do the same. I had an ONS, and really struggled to get hard, even with stimulation. The girl expressed that she had never experienced anything like it.

So now I find myself in the situation that now, being far more attractive to women than I was in my acne ridden, angst ridden teenage years, am almost completely unable to have sex with them, at least in a normal way.

It is said that humans are not punished for their sins, but by them. I'm currently getting to know a wonderful girl. She has sent me all the signals, but I have avoided even kissing her because I know I can't function at all. My hope is that I'm able to recover, and get with her later...

In desperation over my condtion, I stumbled upon this site. I realized everything that had plagued me since my early years. When I read about ED before, I was always told that it was psychological, and that mastrubation was only good. My doctor ignored me/got angry when I tried to tell him about my problem. I had a nervous breakdown, which led me to believe I was terminally ill. It turns out I am completely healthy physically, only my mind is warped. Consequently my doctor wouldn't acknowledge I have this problem.

I read somewhere about a guy considering himself on the top 5% of worst cases, having made a succesful recovery. I am certainly one of them, and hope to do the same. The problem is that my brain has never had a normal sexuality, I have no original state to recover into. The last time I had nightly erections and wet dreams was at 18, in the military (away from porn)

Now, with 15 days of no porn, mastrubation, or anything else, my libido has flatlined. At first my penis felt cold and shriveled, almost dead. Now it's just there, with almost no reactions to it. Some days when I have fantasized, or slept in bed, it has gotten like 5-10% erect, but nothing else. I'm sure I could get it hard if I stimulated myself, but I would have to struggle. I have no desire at all. I've also had some mood swings, hyperventilating, tightening of my muscles, and crying at random times (alone fortunately)

I am determined to go through with this. I want to have my life back. I realized I have destroyed my life with using porn as a drug. Hopefully my penis will heal so it won't be painful anymore, and be functional again.

I'll keep you updated about my progess. If there's hope for me it's hope for anybody. Right now it seems hopeless though.

Any comments about similar experiences would be appreciated. I have to believe that my desire and erectile functionality will return, at least to some degree.

Welcome. If you stay

Welcome. If you stay committed, you will recover as well.

Your story sounds very familiar. I also began looking at porn at 11-12 and lost my virginity around 22. The girl had to forcefully jack me off for me to come. My penis was completely numb to a vagina. I would get hard during foreplay, but I couldn't have sex for more than a few minutes without going soft.

I didn't stumble upon this site until recently, but I began trying to cut back a year or so ago. I made progress, but I still went on masturbation/porn binges often which limited it. Once I found YourBrainOnPorn, I went on a 30 day streak with no porn and 12 days with no masturbation. I had sex a few days prior to my relapse and I was able to come with a condom on in 5-6 minutes through regular vaginal sex. I was accustomed to thrusting for 20-30 minutes with no condom (stupid) and possibly reaching orgasm. Just being around girls in public made me feel like I was in 5th grade again (basically the last year of my normal sex life prior to porn exposure).

I'm a week into my 2nd attempt. The driving force is what I experienced previously when giving up porn and masturbation.

15 days is good!

goel:

if you're going 15 days and you're still determined to keep going, then you're on the right track!

the first time (of two times total) that i went at least 15 days without any orgasm, my libido flatlined and i completely freaked out and went right back to watching porn, because i had an irrational fear that it would stay that way. and of course once i was watching porn and basically forcing myself back into it, i had no trouble at all "getting it up" or anything. it was all in the mind. i'm not saying this is necessarily the case for you, but i think a flatlined libido is pretty common, and i'm glad that this forum and yourbrainonporn.com confirm this, since otherwise i wouldn't be able to really understand any of it.

so just keep going. and dont worry about whether you've destroyed your life or not, either. i've found that it's not very helpful. you've spent a long amount of time, thousands of hours possibly, masturbating to internet porn. and yes, you haven't really 'grown' from it, and it has set back your sexuality. but wasting thousands of hours of time is common to most people. there are plenty of people who waste thousands of hours of time doing other things that are just as useless (although less damaging). all you can really do is just pick yourself up and put whatever lessons you've learned about yourself to good use. how else can a man become strong (mentally, physically, emotionally) if he doesn't have obstacles to climb and hardships to face?

good luck!

Addictions

[quote=blood]

so just keep going. and dont worry about whether you've destroyed your life or not, either. i've found that it's not very helpful. you've spent a long amount of time, thousands of hours possibly, masturbating to internet porn. and yes, you haven't really 'grown' from it, and it has set back your sexuality. but wasting thousands of hours of time is common to most people. there are plenty of people who waste thousands of hours of time doing other things that are just as useless (although less damaging). all you can really do is just pick yourself up and put whatever lessons you've learned about yourself to good use. how else can a man become strong (mentally, physically, emotionally) if he doesn't have obstacles to climb and hardships to face?

[/quote]

Yes, I've seen people that get addicted to drugs, and that seems even worse, because it blunts the intellect. And alot of people spend their lives worrying about fictional entities (religion) If this indeed is fixable, then maybe we're having the best of it.

It's kind of ironic though. Visual people like us would probably be gods with the ladies in the stone age, but now we get messed up because of technology. What I wouldn't have given for a wise old mentor at 18.

Things that help...

Thanks guys. I'll probably have sex with my ex girlfriend in the near future, but otherwise it's no porn and no mastrubation for me. Usually she just gets on all fours, and I stimulate myself until I'm ready. That's how bad it is.

[quote=Marnia]I always like to hear what advice you guys would give to others struggling with this reboot challenge.[/quote]

It's strange, because up until recently I thought being without porn was unbearable even for a few days. Then I experienced a dramatic decrease in my libido, and came upon a realization that porn was behind all this. I have all this desire and images in my head, but without pursuing them my penis is all dead. So it's like I'm moving around in two worlds, the mental one still being in the porn world, and the physical one being completely numb. As the porn mindset fades, I hope my body will respond in turn.

Believe it or not, I think I have a great will power. I just had no awareness of what I was doing to myself.

If the urge becomes too strong, I would advice the sufferer to relapse into another activity you usually don't allow yourself. Like eating a big chocolate cake or drinking 3 liters of soda pop. Anything but giving in.

Other than that, I think music and training really helps. Music because it soothes the soul, training because it puts the body into activity and focuses the energy elsewhere. Another thing I do is to sit across my pillow and beat it into submission...

I think a lot of you here

have lots of willpower. If you didn't, it wouldn't surface as you recover the balance in your brains. Very inspiring to watch.

Thanks for your list of tips. Exercise gets rave reviews. Good to know it helps you too. And beating up your pillow can be a great way to release pent up emotions. Music also helps a lot of folks here. The concept of treating yourself is good. Some find that high sugar or starch treats can promote relapse, so they have to look for other feel-good activities...such as time in nature, time with pets, socializing.

It's so maddening to go through that "flatline" period during recovery, especially while your mind is still racing around looking to encourage you to get a porn fix. Let us know as soon as your libido begins to normalize again in terms of erections.

*big hug*