I wrote this on "your brain on porn" some time ago. As I reach day 30, I'll update you with a new post.
First I'll tell you my background, and how I ended up in this sad state. English is not my first language.
I'm 29 years old now, and got my first glimpses of porn as an 11 year old. During puberty I found some VHS tapes, and at 16 I had access to my own computer with internet porn.
During my youth I was often nervous, angsty, and struggeling with anger an anxiety. As I moved away from home, with a 10mbit internet connection, I compensated more and more with porn.
In my first encounters with girls my penis never responded naturally. This was true even as a 22 year old. The presence of a girl alone could not get me hard, because I was a chronic mastrubator. I could mastrubate 10 times a day, 16 hours a day, and I'm really not kidding. At 24 I finally lost my virginity, and had to manually stimulate myself to rise to the occasion.
I settled down with a girlfriend, meanwhile keeping up with my porn habbits. She was a very complicant woman, and let me stimulate myself to get hard by every intercourse. Consequently I didn't see the signals of danger.
Our relationship ended after a while (for entirely other reasons) meanwhile my porn use escalated, with more and more extreme genres and content. And it became increasingly difficult to get hard. As a consequence, I sought even more bizarre genres within the porn world.
In frustration that my penis wouldn't respond anymore, I tried mastrubating forcefully when it was limp. I pinched my glans between my thumb and index finger, and managed to hurt myself, badly. My penis was numb for weeks, and now I have a painful scar on my glans with possible blood clotting and nerve damage. It had to go that far for me to realize I had a problem.
I tried to cut down on my use, but found that I needed my "fix" to operate in everyday life. To sleep I mastrubated, and every morning I would do the same. I had an ONS, and really struggled to get hard, even with stimulation. The girl expressed that she had never experienced anything like it.
So now I find myself in the situation that now, being far more attractive to women than I was in my acne ridden, angst ridden teenage years, am almost completely unable to have sex with them, at least in a normal way.
It is said that humans are not punished for their sins, but by them. I'm currently getting to know a wonderful girl. She has sent me all the signals, but I have avoided even kissing her because I know I can't function at all. My hope is that I'm able to recover, and get with her later...
In desperation over my condtion, I stumbled upon this site. I realized everything that had plagued me since my early years. When I read about ED before, I was always told that it was psychological, and that mastrubation was only good. My doctor ignored me/got angry when I tried to tell him about my problem. I had a nervous breakdown, which led me to believe I was terminally ill. It turns out I am completely healthy physically, only my mind is warped. Consequently my doctor wouldn't acknowledge I have this problem.
I read somewhere about a guy considering himself on the top 5% of worst cases, having made a succesful recovery. I am certainly one of them, and hope to do the same. The problem is that my brain has never had a normal sexuality, I have no original state to recover into. The last time I had nightly erections and wet dreams was at 18, in the military (away from porn)
Now, with 15 days of no porn, mastrubation, or anything else, my libido has flatlined. At first my penis felt cold and shriveled, almost dead. Now it's just there, with almost no reactions to it. Some days when I have fantasized, or slept in bed, it has gotten like 5-10% erect, but nothing else. I'm sure I could get it hard if I stimulated myself, but I would have to struggle. I have no desire at all. I've also had some mood swings, hyperventilating, tightening of my muscles, and crying at random times (alone fortunately)
I am determined to go through with this. I want to have my life back. I realized I have destroyed my life with using porn as a drug. Hopefully my penis will heal so it won't be painful anymore, and be functional again.
I'll keep you updated about my progess. If there's hope for me it's hope for anybody. Right now it seems hopeless though.
Any comments about similar experiences would be appreciated. I have to believe that my desire and erectile functionality will return, at least to some degree.