Finally Feel Like I Have Been Thrown A Life Vest

Submitted by MisterMiyagi on
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I couldn't be happier to be here.

I've spent most of the past 20-some years dealing with the shame and addiction of pornography. The feeling that the problem was somehow only yours...a secret shame that you couldn't disclose to anyone, lest they think less of you. As time went on, it devolved into even more kinky porn, driving my despair and shame even deeper. It led me to continual movements into depression, out, back in, etc. I was moody, socially awkward, and worst of all, had a sinking feeling like my life was gone from me forever

Until just this last week I had felt like I was at a hopeless spot, doomed to continue the cycle. While I had experienced many dark nights of the soul, this one was different. I went out drinking because of my depression, and got excessively drunk. When I got home, I was at the end of my rope, and called the girl I have been dating, who is out of town for a few months, on the phone and expressed how terribly depressed I was, and the roller coaster that my life was. I shared EVERYTHING. It was as if my subconscious needed to get it out. She has been supportive so far, and although we'll see if she stays that way (I still get pangs of sadness thinking about what I told her), I know that it happened for a reason...and no matter where she goes, she'll have been a goddess for being there for me in that moment.

When I woke up the next day I was mortified, but yet feeling like I had somehow broken free of my demons for a short time. After that day, I have had nothing but an amazing amount of cosmic support...and it feels like, for the first time that I can remember...that I have a chance. Between the co-worker randomly bringing up addiction today, to allow me to discuss it with him, to these amazing websites breaking down how the porn addiction can work, I feel like I have a chance to truly become free and live the life I want.

To everyone here who is suffering, I want you to know that I thank you for taking the time to let others know, and creating this community. Life is here for us to enjoy and grow, not to abide in dark, hopeless places. God bless all of you in your quests for authentic selves, and I look forward to hopefully getting there myself...any help would be appreciated! :^)

-Mr. M.

Hi Mister,

What an inspiring story! I'm glad your girlfriend was there when you were ready to hit the "TRANSFORM NOW!" button. Smile Maybe she already realized that any guy she dates will *also* be using Internet porn, so she may as well go with one who is determined to leave it behind. Wink

It will be tough, because the addiction cycle actually changes the brain...and although your brain is plastic, it takes time and patience (and usually a good bit of discomfort and anxiety) to return to normal sensitivity.

There's definitely hope. You *can* recover...and uncover the real you. It usually helps to journal your ups and downs so people here can support you. I've enabled you to blog.

Let us know how you do. And remember to start by taming your computer:

*big hug*