Hi. I'm in an unusual situation, in that I am somewhat porn-addicted, and I am also in a new relationship -- however, I cannot rely on sex with my new partner to help me with kicking porn. Let me explain.
I'm a 37-year-old male. I've been in 3 relationships in my life, the longest was 2 years. I'm usually not in a relationship, as the math will indicate. I have used soft-core porn (think Playboy) for all of my life to masturbate. In all of my previous relationships, sex was not usually great (on rare occasions it was good) and it has always been a source of anxiety for me, which has prevented me from seeking sex/relationships. Basically I'm pretty buttoned-up. The key here is the soft-core nature of the porn I use, I am made uncomfortable by video porn, what you might call "actual" porn. In other words, I have a lot of unrealistic expectations for the female body, which interfere with my ability to be attracted by actual women I meet in everyday life.
Recently I met a woman and we have started some kind of a serious relationship. We have known each other for about seven weeks, and it's quite clear that we are an exceptional match in many deep ways. She is exactly my age, and quite attractive if not really similar to the Playboy models I masturbate to. She is vivacious and intelligent and honest and creative, and somehow she sees similar qualities in me, although she is conscious of the fact that I have a lot of fears that I have to tackle -- and am tackling. She has had 5-6 relationships in her life, most lasting 3-4 years, basically what you would call healthy and fulfilled relationships for the most part. She has a healthy libido and enjoys sex -- unlike me, you might say.
Her last relationship was with a much younger man, and it turned out after 2 years that he realized he was gay. This had a devastating effect on her self-image and her need to be regarded as beautiful, sexy, etc. This is the one way we do NOT match up, and it's a serious problem -- I am not someone who can spontaneously show her in every way that she is amazingly attractive sexually, I am too blocked for that.
Three weeks ago we had commenced what we will call serious sex play. It was mostly orally stimulations (necking) and also involved a lot of sucking on the torso -- it was all going VERY well, she was very stimulated and impressed with my abilities. And for my part, I was pretty stimulated too. All seemed to be going well. At a certain point she realized that, although I was "performing" quite well on her lips, neck area, and breasts with my mouth and was also erect, she realized that I didn't really have any sense of what I wanted erotically, and also that I was uncertain about what would happen when we actually have sex, i.e. afraid and also concerned about maintaining erection and also orgasm. Basically she saw that I had soft-porn imagery in my head and that this would interfere with my ability to see her as attractive etc. There is some truth to this -- she IS attractive, I can see that intellectually, but my fantasy life and my thoughts about her don't really intersect.
At this point she withdrew sexually, saying that she had "lost her boner" so to speak, and that she had lost the desire to kiss me etc. because subconsciously she realizes that this is a danger zone. She is not currently capable of ushering another young man (so to speak) into sexual maturity, she is basically traumatized on this one subject.
What is interesting is that (a) our relationship, after a rocky couple of days after she told me this and confirmed my fears that sexual inexperience etc. would pose a problem for me, has actually gotten much STRONGER since she told me, we are interacting without "expectation" and confiding and talking a lot -- we're really in some kind of intense love and the affection is very strong, and (b) even though she cannot continue in a sexual way right now, she does NOT rule out the prospect that I will make progress in this area and that we will eventually have a sexual relationship -- she doesn't EXPECT it, she probably wouldn't bet on it, but she can entertain the possibility that it will someday happen, if I am natural enough with my sexuality and so forth. She also says that our relationship is so incredible emotionally/intellectually that in a certain way it doesn't matter if that happens -- enjoy each other for what we can give. I see her point but I am impatient, have waited a long time and I think it'd be a real shame if we "only" have an intense emotional relationship etc.
One detail here -- in talking with her and then also talking with some of my male friends, I learned that all of my life I have been doing masturbation in a certain way (face down, relying on pressure/friction from the mattress) that does not involve either my hand or lube. I did not know, in other words, that circumsized men often need lube. Over the past week I have acquired lube and have been masturbating occasionally with lube and my hand -- "face up" -- much to my delight, I find that it's a much more intense experience and more satisfying. I've also jettisoned my computer images of Playboy models and have been doing it without visual stimulation -- albeit I can only come when I am imagining those models -- for now. I have come close to coming while fantasizing about her, but I haven't quite gotten there -- close, but that special magic moment, it isn't quite there for me.
So that's the deal -- I have an indefinite amount of time to straighten this out, but I cannot rely on sex or even kissing from her in the meantime. Currently we hold hands as a sign of intimacy, which we both enjoy. She's an incredible woman and I believe, my soul mate, and I'd really like to re-wire my brain so that I can have a fulfilling sexual relationship with her. Basically, the point I have to get to is that moment when a man sees his girlfriend and has the feeling he'd like to tear her blouse off -- I don't really have that in me, ever.
Thanks for listening and I am eager to hear your thoughts.