I found this website six days ago and I realized that I was a porn addict. I have known for a while that this instant gratification I could so easily achieve from the miracle that is the Internet, was not healthy for me. It started out because I did not know anything about sex in the first place and I was too embarrassed to ask my parents. So I did what any confused, testosterone-driven adolescent would do...Google it. The plethora of websites amazed me and I had no idea what the images before my eyes exactly were doing. Overtime, I realized the situations these women and men were in and I was hooked...against my will.
I always thought I was so clever sneaking it under my parent's noses while I secretly trained myself to become the next Hugh Hefner. I believed that this was how sex worked and how relationships evolved. The only information I knew about relationships at this time was what I got from movies and my older sister whose boyfriends appeared decent in the beginning but soon morphed into someone I had to physically force from the house. Porn was my avenue to pleasure and exposure to a world I never knew about. I hate myself for saying it but I relished every moment of it.
I tried to quit a couple of times after my parents caught me in the act or searched my Internet history, but I always returned. A couple years passed and my parents thought I grew out of my porn phase, but i found the privacy setting on the Internet. An early hint to me that this was bad. However, I did not see it. I only briefly noticed it.
I got my first girlfriend, a junior, in the middle of my freshman year in high school and she was beautiful. She was one of the girls I had seen in the movies, not porn, and she made me feel special. I do not know why she said yes to me, but I knew that I did not want to screw up my first relationship. I ended up waiting an entire month to get my first kiss from her because I did not want to rush things. I wanted to treat her like Tom Hanks in "Sleepless in Seattle." I did not want to drive her away...I almost succeeded.
I ended up breaking up with her after six months due to our differentiating religious views, (she was very into her religion and if I was not a Baptist like her, I would essentially burn in hell), and her view of my mother whom I love with all my heart. During that time we had some make out sessions, surprisingly all started by her, and some almost groping, also started by her. I never went passed first base and I am proud of myself for doing that. During my time with her, my understanding of what a relationship could be and should be changed from the pornful vulgarity I had once believed. I still watched porn when I was with her, mostly because I never got passed first base, but it was less.
However after I broke up with her, I found out that she had been cheating on me from a close friend of mine. That was a major dent in my progress. I noticed myself changing for the better, character wise, as I made choices that were different then what I had expected. I noticed I was the hopeless romantic, the charmer, the joker, the non-physical boyfriend (an oxymoron I know) and I relished it. When I found out she was cheating, I went back to the porn, because it would not judge me. It accepted me for me and I respected it for that bond. In all honesty, I was devastated and I did not think I would come out of my slump, until I saw a movie.
"The Girl Next Door" is unequivocally the most life changing movie I have ever seen. It is about a boy who risks his reputation, friends, future, and life for an ex-porn star who moves next door to him. She ends up going back to porn because he tried to have sex with her in a motel, and he risks everything for her in order to correct his mistake. It is the only movie to make me cry as I realized that the people on the porn videos maybe do not enjoy what they are doing. I watched some more videos and there was no love, romance, feelings of passion, intimacy...just sex. Raw sex and nothing more. I mean they were laughing while they were doing it. It is not right.
The thing that made me decide to quit my addiction was when I realized a friend of mine, who constantly talks about sex, smokes, drinks, and does drugs. I started to ponder the possibility that I might join him on his road. I could lose everything I work for and end up becoming one of the people I end up despising in school. So, I Googled symptoms of porn withdrawal and I was led to this site.
I am a teenager who is currently ranked number two in his class. I am a second degree black belt in two martial arts. I am a two sport athlete. I am an actor. I am a designer. I am a musician. I am a brother. I am a friend. I am a victim of porn, but not anymore. I am now in my fifth day of not looking at porn and I am suffering because of my decision. I feel like I am slowly descending into hell as I constantly combat my mind with my dream. I feel like it is a winning battle, but I still have moments of weakness where I have almost succumbed. Reports show that after the first two weeks that it gets easier. Until then, I decided to put my experience to the web anonymously, another miracle of the Internet, as a reminder to myself as to why I am doing this and hopefully to get some feed back to you wonderful people. Thank you for reading this lengthy article of the life I have shared to nobody until now. Any comments will be very much appreciated, but sharing my story is more than enough for me.