My Story of Addiction and Current Attempt to Overcome

Submitted by southernsky on
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I found this website six days ago and I realized that I was a porn addict. I have known for a while that this instant gratification I could so easily achieve from the miracle that is the Internet, was not healthy for me. It started out because I did not know anything about sex in the first place and I was too embarrassed to ask my parents. So I did what any confused, testosterone-driven adolescent would do...Google it. The plethora of websites amazed me and I had no idea what the images before my eyes exactly were doing. Overtime, I realized the situations these women and men were in and I was hooked...against my will.

I always thought I was so clever sneaking it under my parent's noses while I secretly trained myself to become the next Hugh Hefner. I believed that this was how sex worked and how relationships evolved. The only information I knew about relationships at this time was what I got from movies and my older sister whose boyfriends appeared decent in the beginning but soon morphed into someone I had to physically force from the house. Porn was my avenue to pleasure and exposure to a world I never knew about. I hate myself for saying it but I relished every moment of it.

I tried to quit a couple of times after my parents caught me in the act or searched my Internet history, but I always returned. A couple years passed and my parents thought I grew out of my porn phase, but i found the privacy setting on the Internet. An early hint to me that this was bad. However, I did not see it. I only briefly noticed it.

I got my first girlfriend, a junior, in the middle of my freshman year in high school and she was beautiful. She was one of the girls I had seen in the movies, not porn, and she made me feel special. I do not know why she said yes to me, but I knew that I did not want to screw up my first relationship. I ended up waiting an entire month to get my first kiss from her because I did not want to rush things. I wanted to treat her like Tom Hanks in "Sleepless in Seattle." I did not want to drive her away...I almost succeeded.

I ended up breaking up with her after six months due to our differentiating religious views, (she was very into her religion and if I was not a Baptist like her, I would essentially burn in hell), and her view of my mother whom I love with all my heart. During that time we had some make out sessions, surprisingly all started by her, and some almost groping, also started by her. I never went passed first base and I am proud of myself for doing that. During my time with her, my understanding of what a relationship could be and should be changed from the pornful vulgarity I had once believed. I still watched porn when I was with her, mostly because I never got passed first base, but it was less.

However after I broke up with her, I found out that she had been cheating on me from a close friend of mine. That was a major dent in my progress. I noticed myself changing for the better, character wise, as I made choices that were different then what I had expected. I noticed I was the hopeless romantic, the charmer, the joker, the non-physical boyfriend (an oxymoron I know) and I relished it. When I found out she was cheating, I went back to the porn, because it would not judge me. It accepted me for me and I respected it for that bond. In all honesty, I was devastated and I did not think I would come out of my slump, until I saw a movie.

"The Girl Next Door" is unequivocally the most life changing movie I have ever seen. It is about a boy who risks his reputation, friends, future, and life for an ex-porn star who moves next door to him. She ends up going back to porn because he tried to have sex with her in a motel, and he risks everything for her in order to correct his mistake. It is the only movie to make me cry as I realized that the people on the porn videos maybe do not enjoy what they are doing. I watched some more videos and there was no love, romance, feelings of passion, intimacy...just sex. Raw sex and nothing more. I mean they were laughing while they were doing it. It is not right.

The thing that made me decide to quit my addiction was when I realized a friend of mine, who constantly talks about sex, smokes, drinks, and does drugs. I started to ponder the possibility that I might join him on his road. I could lose everything I work for and end up becoming one of the people I end up despising in school. So, I Googled symptoms of porn withdrawal and I was led to this site.

I am a teenager who is currently ranked number two in his class. I am a second degree black belt in two martial arts. I am a two sport athlete. I am an actor. I am a designer. I am a musician. I am a brother. I am a friend. I am a victim of porn, but not anymore. I am now in my fifth day of not looking at porn and I am suffering because of my decision. I feel like I am slowly descending into hell as I constantly combat my mind with my dream. I feel like it is a winning battle, but I still have moments of weakness where I have almost succumbed. Reports show that after the first two weeks that it gets easier. Until then, I decided to put my experience to the web anonymously, another miracle of the Internet, as a reminder to myself as to why I am doing this and hopefully to get some feed back to you wonderful people. Thank you for reading this lengthy article of the life I have shared to nobody until now. Any comments will be very much appreciated, but sharing my story is more than enough for me.

You know?

We hear from some beautiful men on this site...and you're definitely one of them. Thanks for sharing your story. You write so well, too!

Yes, withdrawal is hell. And porn is such an easy fix. It really sucks that it alters the brain. But, your brain is plastic, so you'll soon be back to normal...and very ready for greater intimacy, I predict. Smile

I enabled you to blog. I guess you know all about "Your Brain On Porn" (http://yourbrainonporn.com/) but if not, sniff around over there when the going gets tough. There are lots of tips from other guys about what has been most helpful. Good vidz too.

I'm sure you're getting lots of exercise, but now is definitely not the time to quit. Wink

*big hug*

Very inspiring. Stay

Very inspiring. Stay focused. It definitely becomes easier, so much so that you have to stay on your toes to avoid an absent-minded relapse. I did notice that the more worried I was about a relapse in the beginning, the harder it was to get it off of my mind.

Sex, alcohol, and drugs are definitely problematic because they're so easy to abuse. It's easy to befriend the wrong group of people who make casual hookups, alcohol abuse, and drug experimentation seem like the societal norm.

You are lucky..

You are aware of this at a very young age, and as such it won't have a big inprint on you. Imagine the guys that are 35 years old that have been into porn all their youth and adult lives. I am 29, and am really struggeling with regaining my sexuality.

Good luck chasing all the girls.

Goel,

I just realized you weren't enabled to blog. I've just enabled you and look forward to hearing more of your story.

Continuation

I do not exactly know how to describe how my withdrawal is coming along. From things I have read on this website and others, withdrawal is supposed to be a difficult time as your body readjusts itself to normalcy. However, day nine has just begun and I have had a rather stress free withdrawal so far. I do not have any mad cravings to rush to the computer and follow Charlie Shean's Internet history like it states so many on this and other websites saying I should. I was expecting the supposed cravings to ease themselves off after two weeks and only then it would be a slight reprieve. Either I am the first, testosterone-driven, male teenager in the history of eternity to tell himself no to sex (as if) or I have more will power than I thought.

During my withdrawal I have looked at my relationships with males and females and my treatment towards them and I realized that my they evolved against the pornography I was ingesting at critical levels. I was more aware of my addiction than I had originally posted and the negative attributes all too well, so I was very wary of how I treated females. I live in house with my three sisters, mom, grandma, and my dad on occasion (its complicated) so I am the only man in the house. I feel that I am the role model to my two younger sister of what a man should be. Since I feel I never have a dad of my own, I knew the pain of being alone and teaching yourself what sort of man I am going to be. The more I grew aware of the pick ups the porn stars used, the more disgusted I became at the use of women as objects and their treatment as such. So I sort of idolize women a little too much than I should.

I consistently try to deter myself from remarking on the physical attributes of women that most men find irresistible (for the record, I find the most attractive exterior beauty of a woman in her face with her interior being the most beautiful). I gravitated toward friends whose main goal in life was focused on bettering themselves and getting an education while leaving relationships in the background. I am not a "man's man" (women want me and men want to be me) and I have an esoteric outlook and personality that causes tensions with other people and the occasional argument (all in good heart...sometimes). I try to respect females as equals and talk to them as I would any other person, again leading to conflict with certain people ("popular," ex-girlfriends, Twilight fanatics, Justin Beiber etc.). My female friends consist of those females that are aware of their femininity, but do not slightly open the curtain, if you get my drift, in order to gain attention to themselves. I discovered my personality is completely opposite of the pornography, and I have no idea why.

I guess I do not want to cause pain as my father did to my older sister and I when he walked out seven years ago. The guys she goes out with are awkwardly similar to me in a plethora of ways, but they later turn out to be a jerk like my dad. I was even hurt by his decision by having my only girlfriend ending up cheating on me with her now other ex-boyfriend (point for karma). But I am also changed by porn in a very queer way (queer as in weird) because I feel protective of women. I guess that I feel so bad for witnessing these unknown women on tape get abused, I need to redeem myself be protecting other women. My ex's little sister is a freshman at my school and before I broke up with her sister, I promised my ex I will watch her sister...and I still do. I prevent rumors from spreading about her, I recently scared a guy with my angry voice taught to me by mother, and she does not even look at me in the hallways.

Porn helped me view the world in a different light by recognizing the difficulties women face every day by various types of womanizing men. I guess from my mother's strong upbringing, my father leaving, multiple sisters, and my "unique" outlook on the world I prevented something vile from poisoning who I am and helped mature me into a better person. Hopefully, this experience has helped me become the man I wish to become in the long run.

Thanks for sharing so much of yourself

I'm glad your withdrawal is manageable.

It's touching that you want to protect women. I'm just a little concerned that you may fall into relationships based on being a "rescuer." That can lead to a cycle of misery. I guess what I'm saying is that I hope (for you) that you can choose your partners based on their emotional good health. You'll be able to help more people if your mate is a source of strength in your life.

But it could be too soon to worry about any of that. Wink

Are you noticing any stronger attraction to potential sweethearts, or do you feel like your libido might be "flat-lining" a bit as it returns to balance? Not to dismiss your willpower, because you obviously have enormous self-discipline, but everyone's withdrawal is a bit different.