Rebooting/rewiring with a partner - HELP

Submitted by lonelystudent on
Printer-friendly version

Is there anybody here that's currently rebooting while in a relationship with someone, or already managed to do it?

Just need to know if success is possible.


I am currently rebooting while in a relationship. I have been PMO free since early April. I have no doubt that rebooting would be so much easier for me while not in a relationship. It's tough. My other has no idea WHY our physical interaction is not working like we want. I fear if I disclose to her that I'm rebooting and why, that it will even more adversely affect the relationship. I don't like keeping this from her and I'm working very hard to maintain the relationship during the healing process. I'm doing my best to stay focused on my goal for us both. I am doing everything possible to improve our closeness and bond.

Some days are successful and some are not so much. But I'm not giving up and hope deep inside that she does not give up as well. I do believe a reboot can be done while in a relationship if your other is willing to be part of the healing process. The progress is very slow for my situation. Yours could be different, progress more quickly and be more successful than mine. I've read the link that Marnia has posted for you. It is a positive so be sure to read. From a physical healing standpoint on my part, I am seeing improvement in many ways. Since I am not able to act on these improvements due to lack of quality bond with my other is where I've hit the wall so to speak. Not saying that you will! I will tell you however. It is very physically and emotionally draining for me. If and when my reboot is successful I plan on being forthright and honest with her. She deserves that. I wish you success in your reboot! If you ever have a question in which you think I may be of benefit, just ask.

I can't imagine what you

I can't imagine what you must be going through. If I hadn't told my girlfriend the whole thing, I wouldn't endure this process even for one minute. I strongly advise you to talk to her. If she loves you, she will understand. Is it a recent relationship, if I may ask?

If you really don't want to tell her, or even if you do, you can count on my help anytime you need. Just PM me or something.

Best luck to you

A heartfelt thanks...

Thankyou so much for saying that. I read Red Eagles post and wondered if not telling was the way all you guys did it. I'm the girlfriend of a porn addict, who has been lying to me about his addiction since the start of our relationship almost two years ago. He's told me part-truths, to make it easy to keep up with his lies. I knew he had had a problem. I didn't know it was ongoing. We're slowly begining to unravel the lies, but it has taken a massive toll on our relationship. I'm so glad that you are being open with your girlfriend lonelystudent. I know I'd far prefered it that way.

Have you considered karezza by the way, as a more balanced way to bond with your girlfriend while you are rebooting? There is loads you can read about it on the site, and if you ask nicely I'm sure Marnia would send you a copy of her three week rebalancing program of activities for couples from her book. If your girlfriend is interested too then I'd just get the whole book. It's a facinating read.

Hugs, Katten

It was impossible for me not

It was impossible for me not to tell it to her.

First, I just couldn't do it. It's too big a secret to keep for myself. My mind would be devastated.

Also, I found out my addiction was harmful the first times I tried to have sex with her and my body didn't work out (almost four months ago). We hadn't been going out for long before that, but still, in that moment, I cried on her shoulder. And she was so sensitive with the things she said to me, and so tender, and so... everything. Nothing felt wrong in that picture. I didn't feel embarrassed at all to be crying with her. Actually, it has happened more than once along our relationship: we crying together, while hugging or holding hands. Then we get up and everything feels better.

That was the way I found out we were irreversibly in love with each other. I think my addiction took a part on that, and I have to thank it for that xP Just kidding

I tell everything to my partner, and I think every couple should. If you do, you'll immediately feel better. If you really are in love, you'll endure everything. And believe me, I couldn't imagine myself saying this lame romantic things even 5 months ago.

As for karezza, I'm still not convinced xP I think sex is all about excesses, not about holding back. But I'll consider reading the book.

Big hug and the best for you and your boyfriend, Katten

I'm not for hiding this. I'm

I'm not for hiding this. I'm just not sure when I would/should tell a partner. It's not the type of thing to mention too soon, but when does too soon end. You could say sex, but I'm not rushing to sex with any partner so that isn't a viable benchmark. I'm sure it doesn't help that I've not told a soul in real life. I guess I need to go to some 12 step program to get some practice. How have others figured this out? I'll likely trust my instincts.

Where's the hope? I might

Where's the hope? I might want to tell friends too at some point even though there is no obligation to tell them. I'm not great at reading when to tell people things because I often don't tell people much of anything. It limits the social therapeutic aspects of life and makes relationships a bit one sided. I primarily worry about future judging or maybe even more so them saying something that would push me backwards. I'm still a stumbling child so I'm naturally cautious.

With a partner on a reboot process

I'm with a partner myself, trying to "reboot". This is my day10 without porn or masturbation, but I did had sex 3 times with my girlfriend (on days 3, 5 and 8 ), the second ended in a very deep and satisfying orgasm. The first and the third were Karezza type experiments.

I'm still not decided what effect the orgasm had on me. I think I had a bit of a chaser effect after it, but it didn't really felt like I was hindering my progress concerning the abstinence from porn.

I didn't fantasized during sex, just enjoyed it in the moment. I guess that even helps dissociate porn and sexual arousal. But we have the problem that my girlfriend gradually lost interest in sex, so I feel it will be a bit tricky to get her the wanting and simultaneously introduce karezza in our lovemaking.

My guides are now: strive to be orgasm-free but enjoy sex with my girlfriend, don't beat myself up if an orgasm happens, and stop using any porn and avoid masturbation too. As far as my girlfriend is concerned, I try not to pressure her to have sex and let her have her way when we do.

I'll keep you posted about my results.

Good luck

Sounds like a plan. If you keep observing yourselves carefully, you'll eventually figure out what works for you. That's what matters. Just know it may be a moving target for a while, because your brain sensitivity may be changing a bit.

I'll keep an eye on your

I'll keep an eye on your results, radon xP And I'm getting more interested in sex with no orgasm. And it doesn't have to be bilateral: me and my girlfriend have this position we both love, in which she can masturbate herself to prolonged orgasms easily. As for me, I feel pleasure, but can't orgasm in that position.

We'll try that when we both feel like doing it.