I believe that I have had an addiction to porn and masturbation for quite some time but it is only within the past week that I have come to this conclusion. In the past I would go through many shame/guilt cycles and casually try to veer away from it but I always came back to it. My addiction has led me into many escalation spirals in the virtual world that I am none too proud of. I have seen things that I wish I never would have, things that I do not rationally condone or have any actual interest in whatsoever. I am a very pensive person and was always able to trick myself into thinking that it wasn't actually a problem. But now I choose to not let myself be coerced any more.
One week ago my addiction and what it could do to other people was thrust into the forefront for the first and last time. This was the first time that my real life has come into contact with what was a guilty problem. My life came crumbling down. The trust and honesty that my relationship was built out of was ripped to shreds and am deathly afraid that I will not be able to reconstruct it. I now fully recognize my problem and I will not fail at correcting it, I can't fail for myself. The one that I care about most has left and after being betrayed so thoughtlessly I don't know if she will come back. I am fully committed to getting better but deep down I wish I had her by my side for love and support.
I try not to think about whether or not we can mend ourselves together because it only serves to depress me. I can only hope that she has a change of heart...
I have been 7 days PMO free with no intention stopping any time soon.