If Only I Could Talk to the 'Me' of 10 Years Ago...

Submitted by Knights on
Printer-friendly version

Just like a puzzle that has one last piece to be put in, your site has given me the ability to take a step back and view 'the big picture'. You have heard it all before- I started looking at pornography around the age of 15- a new Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition or a Victoria's Secret magazine made homework a far cry on my list of 'to-do's'. Since then, my addiction has grown up with me- the stash of Playboy's in our garage was the next step. My parents did their best- the computer was in the living room, and my dad would lecture me on the harms of pornography- on how it casts women in a negative light- how it was against our faith. By that time, however, I was in too deep- there was a bounty of website that sat at my fingertips- like an explorer set out to discover new lands. I took it upon myself to find the 'newest' and 'best' porn, making a folder on my laptop that was to become my digital treasure chest.

When just looking wasn't enough, I discovered that you could actually pay to call a girl and have her tell you everything you wanted to hear- your wildest, darkest, and most extreme fantasies could be spoken to you in the blink of an eye. What started out as an innocent boy getting butterflies on p.8 of the Macy's Lingerie Sale insert turned into a grown man with a skewed view of attraction, beauty, and pleasure.

I sit here as a 25-year-old- with a full-time job, a postgraduate degree, and a girlfriend that is the love of my life- ready to say sorry to that little boy 10 years ago. Tomorrow will be day 6 with no porn, masturbation, or orgasm. Yea, it's a far cry from what some of you have done, but you have to start somewhere :) As Gary wrote, my willpower came from realizing- after stumbling upon this site- that my struggle to maintain an erection during sexual contact is linked to my porn use. I'm not even sure if you can call it ED, but I was noticing that it just didn't feel right, so it was time for a change. As somebody wrote earlier, it was time to say bye to my porn, which was difficult. It had been with me LITERALLY as I grew up- through high school, my days away from college, my experience in the work world, etc. It was there during the days I was bored, it was there when my parents would 'leave the house to me' as they went out for the night, it was there after failed relationships, and even there to help me celebrate. People could name what actress was in a certain movie, but I knew the names of the porn stars that did certain genres. Looking back at the thought that I knew the names of more porn stars than mainstream actors disgusts me.

Anyways, this is the first I have ever spoken, written, or shared about my addiction to ANYBODY- both in the hopes that my story can help others, and to ask for your support as I change my life. In the past 6 days, my life has been so clear- I feel as if the fog has lifted. I interact better with people- I notice how a girl's curly hair can make her eyes pop, how a certain lipstick can make her skin glow. Instead of coming home during my lunch break to look at porn, I enjoy a walk and notice flowers I never even knew existed. My current girlfriend is a virgin- I have yet to tell her about my addiction, and am debating doing so. I figured that by the time she is ready, my brain will be well underway in the rebooting process. This fight is very personal to me, so I feel I need to deal with it as best as I can. I undertook this knowing it wasn't going to be easy- there has already been some insomnia and mild headaches mixed in. Yes, I have no sex drive right now and my penis is pretty much just there (I do get morning wood), but sensual thoughts about my girlfriend that translate to butterflies aren't turning into erections... yet :)

The toughest part, which I am struggling with the most, are the flashes of my favorite scenes and fantasies that have been ingrained in my mind. When they make their way in, I shove them back out, replacing it with a tranquil scene from my life. I think that's where a lot of the headaches come from- the constant struggle to fight my brain from showing me these images, which I want nothing to do with any longer. I do hope it gets easier, but for the most part, my positive attitude, my faith, and my desire to change my life and enjoy this relationship I am blessed with are all the willpower I need. And no, even though I am scared and worried that my penis pretty much has been MIA since going cold turkey, I won't be testing with porn.

To those who have posted before, and to Gary- in all honesty, thank you for saving my life. It may not have been that extreme, but without this site and your words, I don't know how I ever would have gotten back on track to discover the true meaning of love, desire, and attraction. I look forward to your support- wish me luck, and please feel free to share any advice you may have!!! Day 6 and going strong :)

Knights

Welcome!

I've enabled you to start a blog: http://www.reuniting.info/resources/bloggers

I'll copy Gary's comment here:

The fact that you are already seeing changes is a good sign. It appears the time is now for you, with the love of your life in the picture. As you have read, your withdrawal symptoms are typical. Flashbacks, dead penis, insomnia and headaches are all part of the rebooting process. No need to test your equipment, because it's fine - it's your reward circuit that's a bit messed up. Keep reminding your self of that simple fact.

It will get easier, that, I can promise. Sharing is part of the healing process for many.

Continued success, gary