I've been lurking here since early March, and I wasn't going to post until I got my addiction under control, but here we go.
I started watching the scrambled Playboy channel from a very early age to catch a glimpse of a tit here or there. I actually had sex with my 14 year old babysitter when I was about 7 or 8 years old, so I got introduced to sex at an early age. Until junior high I only saw Playboys, Hustlers, etc. but when I saw the first video that was in my best friends's brother's VCR I kind of feel like that is when I started the seeking behavior for porn. I had tapes here and there, but I just feel like I was fascinated more than most at the images of porn. I dated the cheerleader in high school, and we had sex multiple times almost daily for about four years. I do feel like the porn took a backseat during that time period. The cheerleader and I broke up at the beginning of my sophomore year of college, and I think my relations with females has been on a steady decline since. I had an affair with a 31 year old married woman when I was 19 behind the cheerleaders back, and it just seemed my moral grounding had already begun to crumble.
I was using drugs recreationally through most of college, and my social relationships really started to suffer. I had a bad experience one night with cocaine, and after that I came clean with my parents about my usage. I went into outpatient treatment on the condition my parents would no longer pay for my tuition if I did not do so. Part of the rehab was seeing a psychiatrist, and from that point on for about 11 years I was on a merry-go-round of psyche meds. I went through various diagnoses from social anxiety disorder to bipolar type II disorder to atypical depression to a negative sub-type of schizophrenia. I went through about 4 or 5 doctors. I couldn't find a medication that worked for my symptoms. I guess all was not lost because I was able to move to Southern California and find a job. However, I just couldn't get on the right track. I started partying, hanging out with the wrong people, and things just deteriorated to a point that forced me to move back home with my parents. I couldn't deal with life's problems effectively or hold a job. Amazingly, I was still able to get girls here and there just out of luck, looks, or intoxication I guess, but I wouldn't consider myself to have any 'game' whatsoever. I never was able to form meaningful relationships whether male or female.
My porn usage during this time had already begun. I had started to download short clips from Kazaa and it eventually progressed into longer length movies. For five years that's about all I did. I lived with my parents, watched porn, and was desperate to find a medication for what I had been led to believe was a psychiatric problem. Sounds like a great life, huh? My mom even caught me one nigh masturbating, pants around ankles, panting at the computer screen.
Finally, through my own research of psychopharmacolgy on the internet I was able to persuade my psychiatrist to help me get a medication from Europe called amisulpride under the brand name Solian. It is a preferential dopamine blocker. It is an atypical antipsychotic, but at low doses it blocks inhibitory pre-synaptic dopamine receptors. This results in facilitation of dopamine activity which has been shown to help relieve depression particularly dysthymia which is a long protracted lower grade depression. Within days of taking this I knew I was a different person. I had had mixed results with other medications in the past, but this one was consistent and had no side effects.
At this point I had hard drives full of porn and DVD's full of stored movies from the internet. I was masturbating multiple times daily with a Fleshlight, and my porn usage was in high gear.
I moved back to Southern California with plans of going to graduate school at Pepperdine, but unfortunately I got sidetracked again with the wrong people, drugs, and sex. I wasn't depressed like before which was probably a bad thing. I was able to use drugs without falling into deep despair like before. I started using a good bit of cocaine, meth in limited quantities, and Adderrall. My brain likes the stimulants. My favorite thing was doing any of those and masturbating for literally hours to internet porn. I even had sex on cocaine with several porn girls that people who watch porn probably know, and I was pulling sluts out of bars whenever I could. I was living the life of a total SoCal dirtbag for probably two years. I knew that I had lost footing about who I really was, and I just woke up one day and told myself I was going to change. I moved to another city about 3 hours away and cut all connections with the people that I knew. I was living with a childhood friend of mine who is a film producer and is pretty straight laced and has a good group of friends. I cleaned up my act on my own. I stopped eating sugar, drinking caffeine, stopped smoking cigarettes, limited use of alcohol, limited my marijuana intake, started bikram yoga, and started exercising and surfing. Unfortunately, I ran out of money and couldn't get a job when the economic dominoes started to fall. I moved back to the city where my parents live and started another degree in college. I have since cut way back on the alcohol, eliminated the marijuana, and maintained all the other healthy behaviors. I decided the degree that I chose was not for me so, I dropped out and have been planning the rest of my life now during this semester.
I have also been actively involved with the pick-up-artist community in trying to learn skills to build attraction with women. I treat women as objects, and I feel like I have not communicated with the opposite sex in the right way since I broke up with that cheerleader years ago. I'm introverted around females, and I need to learn to be more assertive and build my confidence even though I can tell they are attracted to me. Looking back on it I could have dated so many good girls throughout my life if I hadn't been such a mess. I have yet to put any of the skills to use because I live in a pretty conservative area, I'm a little old for the college girls I'm around, and I 'm more focused on my career. I was reading something in one of their forums about not masturbating and watching porn being good for creating attraction, so that is what lead me to YBOP and this site.
I had continued heavy masturbation up until about March of this year like I said. I have had about 4 or 5 relapses so far. I do have the occasional cup of green tea in the morning and sometimes a beer or two. Those are two of my triggers. It seems the day after drinking some alcohol I wake up wanting to masturbate very much. It's an unbearable urge, and I break down, so I have completely eliminated the alcohol.
The longest I made it was about 24 days with no O, and I occasionally peeked at some pics and fondled myself. I noticed a huge increase in confidence and assertiveness in my previous attempts. In me it almost borders on aggressiveness. I have a couple of days when I start over that I feel almost like I have hypo-mania.
The conundrum I'm having now is I wonder if all my psychiatric problems didn't stem from me having a sensitive dopamine system and watching porn for all these years. I've been taking the Solian for five years now, and I don't know what to do as far as that goes. I'm not seeing a psychiatrist, and I'm curious at this point to discontinue it to see if I can go medication free. I honestly think I don't need it, but when I decide to go through with it I'm going to go talk to a doctor about it.
I'm currently 7 days in my latest attempt at porn sobriety. However, for some reason I feel different this time. I'm having terrible anxiety and irritability that I didn't have on previous attempts. I even think back about past events where I perceived people doing me wrong and drumming up all this anger. I guess I'm confused because I thought it was supposed to get easier with each relapse, and I'm having different symptoms. It really feels like some of the symptoms I had before I was helped by the medication.
So, I guess I'll wrap it up here. I just got accepted into graduate school to get my Master's degree, so I'll be moving again to a another college which is known for it's good looking girls. I'm excited about that and getting my brain righted once and for all. I have very strong willpower, and I know that is a key component in defeating any addiction. I have been able to quit other bad addictions cold turkey, however this is the hardest I have battled so far. The compulsion for me to look at porn is stronger even that lighting up a cigarette.
I wish everyone good luck on their journey. I like the quote by Winston Churchill. "If you're going through hell, keep going."