Sorting all this new info out - strange experience

Submitted by palladinamour on
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Hello everyone,
I'm very new to this site, so I'm still sorting a few things out. I haven't read throught the whole site (it's huge) and I haven't recieved the book yet. But everything I've read mirrors a lot of stuff I've encountered already. Neurochemistry is an important subject for me. I'm a third verifiable generation "aspi." I have what is known as Aspergers Syndrome (although I'm not comfortable with the illness connotation "syndrome" brings to the term.) My son is passing on the torch and was a catylist for my family discovering why we are all the way we are.
In any event, the process of trying to find a way for my son's journey to adulthood to be less confusing and problematic than mine, my dad's or my grandmothers has been epic to say the least. What started out as a search for some kind of cure or therapy has evolved into an appreciation for how our neuro-makeup is not all that undesirable. It simply has features that our society doesn't want to embrace and challenges that self-knowledge can help with.
Believe it or not, this isn't off-topic. Aspi's struggle most with social interaction and all the non-verbal stuff that goes with it. Other people simply overload us when they get too close physically or socially. I've never had any abnormal problems with intimacy once the relationship was established. But getting to that was an extra challenge. Very early on I compensated with my fantasy life and puberty transformed that into a very intense sexual dysfuntion.
I read people's posts here about their struggles with orgasm addiction and it makes me feel better about my whole life.
I came to this site after already committing to an experiment with my neurochemistry. Like a lot of you, I've never gone more than a few days without orgasm. Mostly through masturbation. The altered mental states and patterns I go through in this cycle are familiar old foils. So I just wanted to see what would happen if I went without orgasm.
I'm on day five now and I have two questions:
1. According to the thinking here, should I avoid all sex for the initial period, or just orgasm? I ask this because...
2. Last night I had amazing no orgasm sex with my wife. I wanted to see what would happen if giving was my whole goal. I have to say it was a very positive and different experience. I didn't have to struggle to suppress the orgasm - there was just a natural stopping point when I sensed my wife was done. Lucky maybe. But afterword, I noticed a remarkable altered state happen to me. It wasn't subtle - it was like I was very stoned and everything was beautiful. It lasted for about three hours and then went to bed. This morning I woke up feeling sore and cranky, much like a regular after orgasm crash. Maybe that was just regualr dopamine withdrawl. I don't notice anyone else reporting effects of this type so soon during the journey. Has anyone else experienced this or do you think that maybe my aspergers makeup is adding an additional factor that could change things?

Palladinamour ... thanks for your honest and moving account

Thanks for your honest and courageous posting. I think I can add some observations and thoughts to the picture. I fell on the non-orgasmic lovemaking by accident -- i have for some time experienced debilitating head aches starting about half a day to a day after orgasm and they lasted for several days during which time I lived on Advil.. So I stopped jumping off the cliff and was equally awed by the effect you are talking about: my brain swam in cuddle soup for a while after and my head ache was not at all as severe as it used to be. But my wife had not been initiated to this (as seem to be the case in your household too) and she had the usual reaction to her own orgasm: "OK, we are done here ... I want my breakfast!"
... and the cuddlechemical disappearded ...
So the next step was to tell her what I have experienced and asking if she would be willing to make the journey with me for some time. She said yes and we are now embarking on this together and it is quite different -- not all issues have come up (as they wouldn't when you embark on a new dramatic venture like this) but there is a chance to work on it from a mutuality platform rather than going through it unseen. It may take the reinforcement of two together to stay in the garden. Maybe Marnia and Gary can give us a word about tis ?

Hi palladinamour (and

Hi palladinamour (and ragnar),

I wish I had all the answers. One purpose in creating this site was so that we could all contribute to rediscovering all aspects of this ancient wisdom.

I would say that the effortless bliss that you have both experienced is something akin to what the Taoists call "the valley orgasm."

As for the crash afterward, Gary and I have definitely noticed that if we "overdo it" on the passion angle, then, even if no one went over the edge into orgasm, we still experience some withdrawal during the days afterward. We think that if dopamine goes too high, it automatically drops down afterward, and throws you into the addiction cycle. This is why the Exchanges are recommended. They are like baby steps...which seem silly in established relationships, but 'less is more' with this approach sometimes.

Also, I have wondered whether an intensely emotional experience of union with a mate can, itself, set off fear and emotional distance, if you haven't slowly "worked up" to it. The more I talk to people, the more convinced I am that conventional sex has led to a deep, unacknowledged, uneasiness between the sexes. This takes some time to heal, and is best done slowly.

In any cases, the beautiful experiences you have had should show you the potential that lies here. Now the goal may be to experiment and share what we learn, so we can encourage each other, and blaze a trail that will be even easier for those behind us.

Thank you for your posts.