Well, hi, I lurked around and read some articles before posting and I just want to say already thanks. It's comforting knowing that my problems aren't just my own and other people have had them before. It's also comforting to have things I've known be described and articulated as a problem when everyone else around me acts as if it is normal teenage stuff and whatever. I've been on the tumble dry cycle of masturbation, addiction, guilt and repression/suppression for 8 years since puberty on that one fateful day when I first masturbated and ejaculated all my self esteem.
I've found this site and ybop very fascinating as for the longest time, I've tried to find help but never quite found the right key words. I've google'd castration, repression, addiction, desire supression, habit breaking, meditation and more and I've never quite found the correct thing but only tidbits and hints. The twist of the matter is that I finally found this site in this year after one day when I was looking for porn on a dull day. I felt like all my thoughts and suspicions were being articulated and all of a sudden my doubts, the disarray of my mind, it feels like I have a shot at this again. So thank you again, just for existing.
I suppose I should give some more background, I'm male, 21, I'm a heterosexual virgin, I live in New York City, currently a student and I'm an introvert by habit and an extrovert by nature. Huh, what? I guess I mean I have tendencies of an extrovert, but I bottle them all up because masturbation has taken my self regard and ego and shredded all of that up to the point where I believe, nobody deserves such a foul human being like me as a person. Yes, yes, I've got a big bottle of worms, let's put that behind me though as I've started progressing past all that ever since I've started keeping an esoteric points system for myself which has helped me make more friends in the past year than I have in the other semesters of my college experience so far combined. But the root of the problem, all of it comes back to the masturbation. I've started keeping a journal just for the sake of getting myself to stop. A quick review of my scrawled entries reveals (similar to many other stories I've read so far), entries of what seems to be a bipolar mad man who's on top of the world one day and rolling on the floor the next. The most I've ever gotten on a streak is 34. I was delusional on that last day, for the whole day. I kept repeating to myself, one more day, one more day and I'll have hit the 5 week milestone, yet my knees went weak and I succumbed. Does this mountain I climb have a peak? It was by far my longest streak by a factor of two, but when I fell of that wagon. I went weeks without going for a streak of anything less than 2 days without masturbation. Sometimes I feel like I'm fighting a fight I can't win. My rational mind is fighting something hardwired into my very being, some instinct that's been around longer than I have and will be around longer still. I went days giving up, saying this is how things should be, but at the back of my mind I know that this was still wrong and I've given up my integrity.
Well fast forward to the present and I feel lucid enough to give myself a push back into the right direction. I want to use all the tools at my disposal and I would gladly appreciate any literature, links, anecdotes and advice any veteran of this fight would be kind enough to share. As of this moment, I do have one very burning question, I would like to ask. Regarding ybop, now I've noticed how masturbation and porn are differentiated and actually considered to be two different things. Now I've not been much of a user of porn as I've sadly been given a vivid imagination that allows me to access my habit without a wifi connection. Now I don't quite understand the difference as I would think both activities are very closely coupled and lead or encourage the other. Now I do feel sometimes that porn makes me more perverse, but it seems like addiction comes from the masturbation and not the porn itself. Could anyone clarify this for me?
Starting tomorrow(*Sigh*, I've already lost the fight today), I'm going to weather it out. I don't know how long I'll last in these boring hot summer days, but I have more resources at hand than I've ever had before.