Day 40 - Some Observations & Encouragements

Submitted by etgalore on
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I'm at Day 40 with no PMO and would like to report on some things for those of you on Day 3 or 13 or wherever you may be.

I've probably never gone this long without M. I started M when I was 3. Didn't add the porn in till 35 or so. I'm now 37.

Anyway, for me the flatline thing went for about 20 days, then there was a super-intense urge to O. I would feel drunk on horniness, but wouldn't have an erection. Some days, if I wore silk boxers and drove on a bumpy road, I would feel like I might have an O while driving, even though I didn't have an erection at all. Just these waves of warm, erectionless horniness.

Just observing, it seems to me that these washes of total horniness without an erection are some kind of left over process from watching porn. When I first watched it, I felt like I was going to have an O without an erection. That's how powerful of an effect the porn had on me. I think my brain probably just dumped an overdose of dopamine and yeah it certainly feels great.

So for people who have watched porn for years, I'm guessing the tolerance is way up there, and they don't feel this wash anymore, but they still need the porn-level stimulation just to function, like a junkie who needs drugs just to feel like they are at their own baseline.

So anyway, after will-powering through a few days of intense desire for an O, I went into a sort of a flatline again, for a few weeks.

There is something ok about this. Actually, now I have to say I think it's a good idea to be ok with the flatline. Here is why. We have been obsessed with sexual imagery. Not just imagery, but forms of stimulation which don't exist in real life. In porn the camera moves around, one scene cuts to the next, magical orgies, etc.

And the flatline comes because we are getting re-acclimated with real life. In real life we get aroused because we are sitting next our lady at the movie theater and she is saying intelligent things and playing with her hair, or because she keeps taking sips of cranberry juice and fluttering her eyelashes, or we are just thinking about making out with our girl on the couch.

So, we need the flatline to get from artificial dopamine overdose levels back to being able to get aroused by the real world.

And over the past few days I have been. I've noticed all through this process there have been fairly regular erections in the morning, though generally they are on the weak side and only last a few seconds after I wake up. But these past five days or so, I've been waking up with fairly normal fantasies in my head and the erections have lasted for quite some time.

They've also started happening at random times, while driving and not thinking about anything

Two days ago I signed up for a dating site and some women have contacted me, and one of them seems really smart and cool and sent me her picture and just this picture of this woman sitting at her desk gave me an erection. She is smart and beautiful to me. This is how it is supposed to work.

Now, I AM a little worried that I am getting aroused while I am on my laptop looking at a picture, and so I am thinking maybe I will have to decide if I'm going to be ok with a dating site, or if maybe I should suspend my profile and wait another forty days. In any case, I definitely feel like things are going in the right direction.

I am going dancing with a lady acquaintance next week. I'm going to try to get out and just talk to people a bit more.

Another thing I'll mention is I find women seem just a little more friendly to me now. Beautiful women who would never even make eye contact with me are now smiling at me, sometimes nodding. When I talk to women, I don't feel like quite such a freak. I bet not M-ing for 40 days changes something about your personality you could never change directly, and which you may not even be able to perceive.

One last thing for now. Another reason to be ok with the flatline. Porn has planted these strange norms in our minds. Like every encounter has to be a explosion of sexuality, and I think maybe it makes us afraid to fall short.

But remember, an erection isn't the center of the universe. You can have a wonderful night just going out for ice cream and then making out and giving your lady such a relaxing massage that she falls asleep on your chest because she feels safe and loves you and you just lay in there in the dark looking at her, grateful for her, wondering how you ever got so lucky--for two or three hours, and then you fall asleep, happy.

Think about this during your flatline. THIS IS OK.

Etgalore -

Good Job in your recovery!!! I'm just one day behind you at day 39. I like your line, "Remember, an erection isn't the center of the universe." I keep trying to remember that my greatest need in life is not sex - my greatest need is relationships. For the longest time, I should say for most of my adult life, I often thought that life, at least my life, should be centered around sex - if I'm not getting sex, then I should be watching sex (porn) or doing something sexual.

Keep up the good work!!!

Thanks for all the insights

and details. We'll put this to good use.

I suspect you're more ready (and more handsome Wink ) than you think you are. I say, "jump in." You don't have to rush the sex, but do get the dating started.

*big hug*

Nonlinearity

As I typed that long post above, I had the sneaky suspicion that I was going to jinx myself. Like I would relapse within minutes or something.

Well, the urge to M&O started to hit me really strong in the last 36 hours or so. I think reminiscing about the girl--that thing in the last paragraph really happened--maybe that got me wanting some of the intense closeness I've had in the past. I am alone now and have been very alone over the past two years.

Anyway, I'm housesitting and I watched a movie (rated R) and I knew a really hot scene was coming and I knew I should turn it off but I kept watching and getting more and more aroused. Right when it was about to get graphic, I shut it off and sat there for a few minutes. Then I got up and walked around and had a ridiculously strong urge to MO. So I came to this site and read some posts. I've calmed down mostly, so thanks a lot everybody.

But now I have another idea I'd like to add, and I think it's pretty deep.

From what I read, most of the guys on here are surprised, disturbed, annoyed, upset, frustrated, etc. with the nonlinearity of the recovery process.

This "dislike" of nonlinearity seems to me to be one of the most fundamental brain patterns of men in general. We want direct progressions. We want the manual to enable us to build the shelf with no wasted time or steps. We want black and white results and we want them fast. We get freaked out when things don't work. I'm sure some nature and some nurture is to blame here.

This is why we are so focused on getting the mighty erection. Because we have this subconscious outline in our heads of how sex is supposed to go.

Robot voice: "INITIATE SEX SEQUENCE."

Construction worker pointing at blueprint: "THIS GOES IN HERE."

Ok now--I'm assuming we are generally on this site worrying together because we are afraid we won't be able to get intimate with a woman.

But have we forgotten that women are not the linear creatures we are? In fact, we might be flabbergasted to discover that for many of them our erection-centered sex plan is not even a priority. They just want to be with us. We're afraid to disappoint them, but really we're just afraid of deviating from the blueprint. Guess what else? Many women find other forms of stimulation a lot more stimulating and they just don't tell us because they think our egos will be hurt.

For a long time I would be annoyed if my wife or girlfriend wanted me to watch a dumb TV show with her. I would think, "I don't want to watch that stupid show..what a waste!" A lot of times I wouldn't. Or I would watch and be in a bad mood because I was wasting time and I should be working on something productive. But, duh--hello!

She didn't want me to watch the show. She wanted me to sit next to her. That's it. I couldn't see through the manbot circuit that wants everything to be productive like an assembly line. She just wants to be next to you. Hello!

And what about making out? Just making out? Do you think she is disappointed if you just make out? My most recent girlfriend, we would make out for hours and then take a nap and it felt like we were floating. It was so much fun. We would be on the way out the door to go somewhere and one of us would say, Uhhh, can we just make out a little first? The answer was always YES.

And so--Is she--your lady, or your future lady--is she really that all worried about whether or not you have an erection like a power tool?

Thanks, and thanks for noticing.

It's been a rough night. Already did the cold water thing once. I think it has the opposite effect for me. It is now 2:01 AM here and I haven't gotten any sleep yet. I've just been tossing and turning, wanting, imagining. Oy. Well, one thing is for sure. I am not flatlining. But, compared to this, flatlining is a breeze.