Mess in my head - help needed

Submitted by Nikola on
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I’m writing you because I have read articles on your site previously, and I think that my story will be interesting to you. You are free to make it public on the site, so other readers can read it and possibly give advice. Something very weird happened to me and I am curious how to cure it.

I am good looking and physically healthy, but because of being very shy and insecure in earlier stage of my life I had no (except few making out) relationships with girls. I’m not shy anymore, but because of lack of experience I always stayed insecure with girls and that made me a 29 – year old virgin.

I hired an escort girl because I wanted to loose my virginity before 30th birthday. And I did it, and had sex for the first time.

But something disturbing happened. I knew before that I have problems with my libido and erection (porn is one of reasons). But I didn’t expect this.

I waited this day for years and I was very excited. But when she came and laid on top of me my penis was totally soft! I even pretended to go to the bathroom and masturbated there a little, but still nothing.

This girl I hired is very, very good at her job. She has excellent recommendations and she performs very enthusiastic. When we talked between orgasms she told me that she loves that job and that she feels that she is born for that.

She sucked my penis looking me straight in the eyes and caressing my body with other hand and still it took very long to get an erection (not 100%) and to have an orgasm. When we had sex after that, she really put some effort in sucking my penis before it stood up. It took really long and erection was again not 100%. Than she was on top of me and
I had a really good orgasm. Than she performed oral sex one more time.

But this is the weirdest and most disturbing part. Erection is, as you know, possible in two ways, sexual excitement and physical stimulation of the penis - or both at the same time. I had got those partial erections and three orgasms with that girl solely because of physical stimulation! I wasn’t sexually excited at all! I waited this for years, fantasizing and salivating at sexual images of others and now I’m looking at this woman giving me blow job in a beautiful way, moaning and looking me in the eyes and really performing excellent, but nothing!

I spent so many hours looking at naked women, dreaming and wanting to kiss them, and touch them, and now hot girl is naked with me in bed and I do not even care!

Image of a penis entering a vagina was always especially exciting to me in porn.
I dreamed of a day when I will see my penis like that and thought how much of a rush is that going to be.

And now I watched my penis in her vagina while she was riding me and that image didn’t excite me at all!

Truth, when she was on top I had a really good orgasm, but only because of friction she made.

I am astounded by this discovery. While she was performing these most erotic acts at me, I felt totally distant, like she was some inanimate object, in fact worse because I wood be more excited with a doll.

As I told before, I am aware that I have (some probably porn related) issues with erection, but I always thought: ”Hey, if I get an 65 – 70% percent erection looking at lame porn pictures on a screen, I will be rock hard when some girl starts sucking my penis.” But no!

Day after my meeting with that girl I went on porn site just to see what will happen. Although I had 3 orgasms with the girl previous night, almost immediately after watching some pictures and stroking penis I got an erection (60 – 70%) and in a matter of minutes I had an orgasm! Not only because of stroking, I was mentally excited watching images. Day before, those images were real and I was in them and that didn’t excite me, but now they do. Pictures excite me, real live sex doesn’t. How is that possible? And more important, how to cure it?

I think it is one of this three factors or a combination of them:

- Experiencing sexuality only through porn for the past 15 years messed with my head (I think this is the most important factor, that’s why I wrote here).

- I have waited too long to have sex (I don’t believe this is the reason)

- I was incredibly scared and nervous. ( I really was, as you can imagine)

Please give me some advice how to cure this strange mess in my head; I am very thankful to you.

Best regards,
Nikola, Europe

mirror image

Geez, reading that was like looking into the mirror. Only difference is, I had similar experiences like that even before porn was around. I attribute to M and fantasy.

Have you visited

"Your Brain On Porn?" It's the best place for answers to your questions about this.

What you're experiencing is becoming really common. I don't know if it's because you prefer pictures to girls. I frankly doubt it. What you prefer is the spurts of a neurochemical called "dopamine," which come with each picture. In your brain, "one girl = one mating opportunity." (Of course, intense stimulation also provides more dopamine spurts...and her skills were enough to get the job done...that time.)

But with porn, you can click to something new constantly, and your brain fires up with each one, because it views each video/image as a new genetic opportunity (its top priority). See?

A recent Italian survey by urologists found that a lack of sexual responsiveness is very common among young heavy porn users:

So your problem is not that unusual. You are not broken. But your problem will take a couple of months to fix. The guys who make the most progress give their brains a rest from porn, masturbation and even orgasm during that time. So the cure is not easy. All of this is spelled out at the above link.

I'll enable you to blog, in case you want to share your journey with us.


Thank you for your comments.

I already read some articles on this site that enlightened me of my problem, but as I said, I was certain that real woman will "cure" me. If it is sure that porn is to blame for my distorted sexuality and it's possible to fix it, I would give it up instantly and permanently!


at least give it up for two months. That's the only way to know for sure. Smile

But be prepared for some nasty withdrawal symptoms and a serious drop in your libido that will last for weeks. That's standard for guys with this issue.

Exercise, socializing and a lot of other things can ease the misery. Let us know what you need, and we'll send you to the right pages for ideas.

when I get a chance

I want to take this test myself. I can say from the outset, that I have zero desire to masturbate if I don't get to have my fantasies with it. How do you interpret this kind of test?

I did the experiment

I masturbated only to sensation, although not with a slow speed but pretty fast. After a few minutes of stroking I got about 50% hard and ended up with a normal strength orgasm.

I want to ask you all another question. I remember while I was receiving oral sex and while she was on top of me with my penis in her vagina, my penis was really desensitized. Sensation was really weak and numb. Why?

Anyway, today I watched some porn pics and got freaked out because again images of girl performing oral sex on a man excited me (not an erection, but mentally) and looked appealing. Two days ago I was that guy and I was totally indifferent to that act being performed on me!
I have a sense that i have seriously messed up my brain and my sexual view of reality.

That's it!
Since today I am 100% porn free. I will update here about results, and probably ask some more advice.
Thanks for this great site, and for also, you are excellent.

Now you know. Your penis

Now you know. Your penis should have been fully erect, not 50%, and you should not require fast stimulation. And the lack of sensation in your penis is also an indicator. All are caused by changes in the brain. The reasons are explained in the videos on - Have you watched them?
Erectile Dysfunction and Porn

Your Brain On Porn Series

and at this FAQ -

I did the experiment

After the good news that I reported on for day 90, I tried this experiment. I was able to keep a good erection with hardly any fantasy. Note that I'm on vacation and my stress is down. That certainly makes a difference for me.