This is my first post, but I’ve been ‘lurking’ for a long time and have read CPA 2+ times. I’m also a Gnostic student, and first encountered these concepts, and Marnia’s writing, through my teachers. The experiences shared by everyone on this forum have been tremendous sources of support and encouragement in what can feel like an incredibly lonely path. Thanks to you all for being out there and sharing.
I would like to solicit advice on my personal situation; please let me know if I what I am sharing/asking is in any way not appropriate for this forum.
I am feeling a bit paralyzed and not sure how to proceed. I am a woman in my thirties who has been in a relationship with a wonderful guy for almost two years now. He is not a gnostic student, nor is he (overtly) spiritual. He IS intuitive, kind, and open-minded, and I’m head over heels in love with him.
When we got together, I was terrified of telling him about my belief in foregoing orgasm and interest in karezza (I had had no prior experience with it). As a result of my own nervousness, I made the whole thing way more awkward than it had to be, primarily because I expected outright rejection…which wasn’t what I got. He was surprised, thoughtful, and hesitant at first, but after some time to reflect, responded that if it was important to me, he was open to learning more and willing to try….if I was willing to take the lead.
Well...great! Right? Not exactly. Taking the lead in an area in which I am a novice has been highly uncomfortable for me. Although I’ve done a reasonable amount of reading on Tantric sex and karezza, I am far from an expert on either, or on sexuality in general. Since our original conversations (over a year and a half ago), I have wanted to give him more information, starting, perhaps with the more scientifically-oriented sections of CPA. But every time I try, I’m overcome by a paralysis of sorts, and thus haven’t been able to initiate in-depth discussions on the topic.
The result has been that we’ve been forgoing orgasm (for the most part), but otherwise have been having sex more or less conventionally. (He has fantastic control, and “accidental” orgasms have been more of an issue for me than him.) But I am well aware that orgasm-less sex alone, and certainly not as we are practicing it, is not karezza. In addition, I just re-read the part of CPA that states that vigorous sex followed by suppression of orgasm can lead to prostate damage! So I realize we cannot go on this way any longer.
Part of my hesitation is that I know he really likes “athletic” sex (and I do too, in a way) and I want to consider his needs and preferences, especially given how wonderful he has been about all this. I’m terrified he’ll find karezza boring, and I have no real “currency” (in the form of personal experience) to convince him that, ultimately, the result will be better than what we’re both giving up.
In the meantime, he says that while he does sometimes want to have an orgasm, he is generally okay without it. He insists he wants to know more and experiences frustration with me for not telling him what to do. But I don’t know any more than what I’ve read, and am far from an expert on male sexuality, so I have a hard time telling him anything, much less providing tips on technique or accurate information on what to expect.
So we keep fumbling along, having (mostly) friction-based sex, and when orgasms inadvertently occur, we both feel incredibly guilty: he feels he’s let me down, and I feel like a big fat hypocrite for having asked him to make such a great sacrifice while failing it myself!
I realize that most - if not all - of the issue is my own fear and hesitation, and I suspect I have a good idea what folks might say by way of advice. But, regardless, if anyone is inclined to respond, please do so. I feel incredibly alone in this, swimming against an incredibly powerful biological and societal current, and could really use some support. Any input from the guys is especially welcome.
Sorry for the length of this post. Thank you, thank you for the wonderful forum.