How important is "chemistry" with a prospective lover?

Submitted by Karezza Korner on
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(Darryl) A woman asked me this question:

I need great chemistry if I am to enter a relationship with someone. I think I found someone like that now and it may even be mutual, but he has a girlfriend (we are just friends). And even if he didn't I'm not sure, despite our chemistry, he would be right for me in the long run... Now, I met someone else who seems interested, and I am interested too, but not in the way I am in the other guy (right from the start). Would love your input.

I am more than happy to share with you my personal view and experiences. From my perspective, which is within a long term relationship, I say that compatability is far more important than chemistry. I think a certain amount of attraction is important, but the whole idea of that "one and only", the "fall in love" experience is way, way overrated. When you fall in love and the sparks fly, you can just as easily fall out of love when the other person does something you don't like. As you get to really know them, there will be things you don't like. When you develop love for someone, which takes time, you see and accept all of them. You love them even though they can be a pain in the ass, and we are all pains in the ass at least some of the time.

The interesting thing about chemistry is, it's not between two people; it's just inside you. It's only your chemicals firing off inside your body and brain. The other person is just the trigger that gets those chemicals going. The chemical part will fade in time, and then you'll have to see if there's good compatability.

A solid meaningful relationship has to be built, and no amount of chemistry will allow a couple to skip that work. Give me compatibility over chemistry any day. Compatability doesn't fade. Both people are who they are and compatability is the foundation. Where as the gas of chemistry only last so long--and then there better be compatability to carry you both through.

The interesting thing about chemistry I have observed is that it seems to actually impair a person's capacity to accurately see and asses the mate they're so in love with. You must have had a friend at some point who was madly in love with someone. Yet when you got to know their "one and only true love," you thought, "How come, (he or she) can't see the whole picture here, can't see the obvious red flags I see?"

As long as there is some genuine warm feelings between you both, and at least a bit of attraction, I'd go for the second guy. I would also talk with him at some point about karezza. For a woman to tell a guy what she wants sexually and have him respond positively is a very good sign. It says he's open to what's important to you and is willing to listen to your feminine intuition and wisdom. Not to mention he would have to consider giving up something that is very dear to every man's heart, the blissful release of orgasm. Just a thought for you.

As far as my wife and I go, you're correct, we never did fall in love with each other, and to me, she is a pure delight, except when she's being a pain in the ass, of course. In fact, we both didn't like each other when we first met. Then at some point she changed her mind, started to subtly pursue me, and I, of course, succumbed. Glad I did, too. I would say our success is based on lots of open communication, and then more communication, a whole lot of common goals, as well as plenty of individual ones (never make you partner the center of your life, that's reserved for you), and copious amounts karezza.

Good luck with your dating prospects, I wish you the best. If I was going to do it all over again I would put meeting my potiential partner's parents high on my 'to do' list. You get a whole lot of information out of that one.



A woman's perspective~

(Rachel/Rediscovered) Coming from a place where I had no interest in sex whatsoever for almost 20 years...and to now feel passion and feel alive...I am grabbing every bit of it I can because I've been without it for so long...

What I am discovering is how important it is for me, as a woman, to have all the pieces in place in order for me to feel sexually alive. Pieces that were missing during my previous relationships and marriage.

Of course, there is physical attraction. Someone who appeals to all your senses, including scent, touch, sight and taste.

Then there is the mental attraction. Someone who relates to you in a way that makes you feel comfortable and cared though they can see right into your soul at times and know what you are thinking. Someone who is interested in everything about you, even the most mundane parts of your life.

And then there is the spiritual attraction. This one is so hard to describe. The best way I can say it is their outlook on life, their energy, their passion, matches you. You are walking toward the same light.

For me, now that I have met someone who appeals to me in every way possible, only now am I able to let myself become completely uninhibited sexually and emotionally and it is the best feeling I've ever had in my life.

Sexually, I am doing and saying things I would have never done before. I am a sexual being. I crave my lover and when we are together, I cannot get enough of him. For the first time in my 50 years, I have passion in my life. I love myself this way. I feel beautiful and sexy and every day has meaning.

There is no better feeling than being wanted. Men need to be wanted just as much as women do. I know now how important this is to the sexual/romantic equation. It can never be one person trying to please the other because they think they *should*--it has to come from a sincere place in the heart or else it feels false and empty.

My lover and I do "extreme bonding behaviors" every time we're together. We spend more hours kissing, hugging, touching, loving and breathing in each other than I've done in a lifetime of relationships. You get to the point where you wish you could squeeze hard enough and become one person.

Rachel (formerly known as rediscovered)


Thank you, Rachel, for your precious, well-articulated comment coming from your own experience. It rings so true for me, and I never thought I really fit into the way things were, so I'd pretty much given up. You could be describing me, it so resonates with me.

It's going to take awhile to go through everything on this site - I don't want to miss a bit!