♥Practicing karezza when you have children

Submitted by Karezza Korner on
Printer-friendly version

Someone asked me:

What about karezza for parents with kids? Do you and your wife have kids? It seems like the lovemaking process of karezza is so long and drawn out that parents with kids may not find this feasible to do (i.e., not enough energy etc).

(Darryl) Yes, we have two boys who are now 20 and 18. We began non-orgasmic lovemaking when they were about 5 and 7. We have always been open with our boys around things sexual and they know we are sexually active. They were free to come into our room when we were engaging. If they needed us, they would knock on our door, we would stop and say, "come in", we would hear what they wanted and suggest how they could take care of themselves. Obviously we would stop if there was some kind of crisis, but this rarely happened and they learned to give us space when our door was closed. They understood it was "mommy/daddy time" and not to disturb us except in case of emergency.

Of course, they also learned this was a great time to get away with things that we normally wouldn't allow—like scarfing a big bowl of ice cream first thing in the morning or finger painting the kitchen cabinets. We didn't mind too much, as long as they didn't go too overboard.

When our kids were really little, this was pre-karezza, we would engage in the evening after they were put to bed. We did what was called the family bed, (everyone slept in one big bed) so when we wanted sex we would say, "Let's go to the hotel" which meant the extra bed in the other room.

As far as energy goes, yes, a newborn can be quite consuming. On the other hand, karezza does not have to require a lot of energy. If you're tired and all you do is join bodies, move a little, and then fall asleep, this is still a slice of beautiful karezza.

On another note I recently explained karezza to my older son as he is now sexually active. He took to it right away, and although it might not be deep karezza at this point, he definitely engages in non-orgasmic lovemaking. From what I hear he's quite popular with the young ladies. This is truly a wonderful thing to pass on to my boys.


Teens and porn

Talking to my boys about porn was definitely a little akward but its too important a subject not to. I simply told them about the dangers and sent them to this site. That was before the "Your Brain On Porn" site. Being another male makes this somewhat easier but it must be done, mother or father. Whether it had an effect I cant say but I know they have the infromation now.

You could always email your son a link to "Your Brain on Porn" and he can look at it without you around.

From Mrs. Tornfromabook...

Wow!! Darryl, I am so excited to find that there are real people in real life who have lived the way my husband and I have only discussed in theory... we are due to have our first baby at the end of August and are planning on having a family bed as well. I have so many questions... should I send a private message or is this an appropriate place for a discussion? I don't want to clog up this blog, but I'd also like people to chime in if they can. I'm not sure I understand the right way to use these Karezza Corner blogs.

Why not start that thread

on your own blog, and make sure Darryl gets his butt over there? Also post a link to it here so others who are interested can find the continued discussion.

BTW, he asked me to let everyone know that he's about to go on vacation for a week (we give him time off now and then Wink ), so if he doesn't answer right away, it'll be a week or so.


Ah yes, the family bed. One of the best child rearing things we ever did. At one point it dawned on me: I don't like sleeping alone, why would a little helpless infant like it? Not to mention, in the middle of the night when the baby wants to nurse, you don't have to get up, half asleep, and drag yourself into the other room. Just roll over, stick a boob in their mouth and go back to sleep.

The idea that you would roll over and squash your kid is such nonsense. Believe me, you'd know it, and they would let you know it, loud and clear.

The three big question are:

1. How does anyone get some sleep?

2. What do you do about sex? and

3. How do you get them to want to move out? (No, our 18 and 20 year-olds do not still sleep with us!!)


1. After a week you'll start sleeping through almost anything.

2. You go into another room to have sex (in our case, the ever erotic "hotel room", down the hall).

3. Mom and Dad get boring, and every child wants their own room. At 4, the first son left and the second one followed him shortly after. Big brother is much more interesting than we are.

Continuing sex and a newborn can definitely be a challenge. A new born can easily be all consuming.

We recognized that keeping our relationship alive was very important. It was us, before kids came along and it will be us again when they're gone. It's best for the whole family when the parents keep the spark between them alive. We both believe living for your kids doesn't serve anyone. Love em with all your heart, but make sure you save enough for your partner.

When we were kids, my mom

When we were kids, my mom slept in a twin bed with whichever one of us was the baby. My dad slept in his own bed, usually in a different room. As a new baby came along, we moved into bed with an older sibling or moved to our own bed. There was never any protest from any of us, and the progression felt natural and we loved being close to mommy or big brother/sister. I would definitely say that my parents weren't prioritizing their relationship though... they should have realized that sleeping in the same bed was as important for the two of them as it was for mom and baby. Especially because they didn't make up for the lack of cuddling at other times (it was a decade after I was born before they started "date night", and even then it was only about once per month that they bothered to schedule some time together). I'm not blaming the bed sharing for this... I'm just saying, I agree with you that we need to keep prioritizing our relationship. There is plenty of love to go around! Especially when you are generous with it (which we have learned from Karezza already). I think we are expecting the newborn period to be all-consuming, but we will just keep repeating to ourselves "it's not forever"...

-Mrs. Tornfromabook

Karezza and family-life

Our children are 4 and 7 and certainly do not feel like sleeping anywhere but with us. We have had some serious attachment issues with our 7 yo (difficult start in life) while our 4 yo has a wonderful and strong bond. They love to sleep with us and while a bedroom of her own has felt interesting to our 7 yo at times, when night comes, mommy's and daddy's is where she wants to sleep. And we love that, you can't give children too much of that. They'll move on when they feel ready.

I second the 'hotel room', and I know other attachment parenting families who have a similar setup. The family room and family bed is for co-sleeping and creating and upholding strong bonds, the 'hotel room' is for adults. While I still have to practice karezza, it seems to me karezza would be easier to combine with children than traditional sex; you can share plenty of affectionate touch with them around (kisses, embraces, gentle touch) and give them a good, affectionate real-life example of generous touch being fine and wonderful (how many of us don't grow up feeling awkward about touch!), and karezzic intercourse is less likely to "shock" any children inadvertedly wandering in and seems like easier to interrupt; there should be less frustration than if you're "racing" towards that orgasm and have to stop.


That's true, I guess Karezza

That's true, I guess Karezza will now be ending for us whenever our kids need us, rather than whenever we decide, though it should be just as gentle of a finish. I'm sure that will mean less hour-long sessions for a couple of years, but that's life!

Now I'm going to have to explain this one to my parents... "hey could you guys babysit the kids tonight at YOUR house? Yes that's right, take our children away for a couple hours, take them to dinner and a movie if you want... we want to stay home!" That's my idea of a "date night"!

-Mrs. TFB

how start karezza with a baby?

I know a couple that wants to start with karezza, but even starting the exchanges seems difficult, because their baby has been often waking up in the night. The baby is around 9 months old.

So what could I advice them? Because the advice for the exchanges is: Find space for your own, make sure that kids won't disturb you.
How could they adapt the exchanges???

Hope somebody can help me / them.