Unexpected triggers and "impurity"

Submitted by acb5042 on
Printer-friendly version

I've been trying to fight addiction to masturbation since the past two years (I'm 16 years old).

I can go well with self-control -- I don't go see porn, I don't meet girls (I'm not in any romantic relationship), I don't fantasize. However, when I see a really hot girl in a magazine, in the streets, or on TV, or just anywhere, I'm just fully triggered and then I feel that I need to "purify" myself by ejaculating and thus throwing out all the feelings and junk whatever was built up due to the trigger. I've even avoided (for whole 4 days) to go out, watch TV, and I literally lost contact with the world -- I had very few sexual triggers and all were in my control, but when I decided to watch a little TV, go out on the streets shopping or just walking, those triggers come back and I'm totally out of control because of the purity factor and because of the natural urge.

Please help me, I'd really appreciate it! I need to save myself from this thing before it's late. Thanks for your time.

what do you plan to do, next time you feel triggered?

Given the trash there is on TV nowadays, you won't miss much by not watching it at all!

When you write that you need to "be purified", what your body is telling you is to put your hormones and body chemistry back into balance, and get your mind off the triggering images.

I would encourage you to find alternative ways to go about restoring this balance. Don't shut yourself out of the world: we all need friendship. Doing some sport, especially at your age, is a good way to release the excess energy. When you feel triggered, go for a good walk, or even jogging around the local park; do some basketball or whatever sport you fancy.

Triggers will never go away: they are too much part of our society. By any means, limit your exposure to them whenever practical. Putting the TV into the trashcan where it belongs can only do you much good. But you can't lock yourself in your home for fear of meeting a nice looking girl at the corner of the street.

What matters is how you react to those triggers.

So, instead of going for masturbation, what do you plan to do, next time you feel triggered? You need to plan this ahead.

If you want to blog about your discovery journey, let me know and I'll set up your own blog here.

Blessings.

Thanks!

Hey,

That's a fantastic idea. If you can, please do arrange for a blog. That will put some "social and intellectual pressure" onto the biological drive, really helpful. Plus writing in a diary of my addiction is useless (I've done it several times, it brings out lack of integrity).

Thanks again for the offer, I'd love to have a blog!

done.

I've set up your blog.

See my PM to you.

I am looking forward to reading about your discovery journey.

Blessings. :)

Desire is Pure if Managed Well

Hello!

Congratulations on proactively seeking ways to manage your sexual desire and live a more fulfilled life. I'm sure your quest will eventually lead you to a balanced sexuality free from addiction, triggers, and tension around the need to control your desire.

The question of how to live with desire is one that humans have always grappled with, and some have found profound solutions that transcend simplistic remedies such as repression, shame, abstinence, or hyper-self-control. Hiding from desire wont make it go away because it is an inherent part of being human:

"From the moment we wake up until the moment we fall asleep at night, and even in our dreams, we are driven by desire. Each of our senses is hungry for its own particular food. Our eye craves to see interesting shapes and colors, our ear wants to hear pleasing sounds; our nose actively sniffs out agreeable odors and turns away from smells that offend it; our tongue seeks exciting new tastes and our sense of touch is forever craving contact of one kind or another. This desire for sensory stimulation is so deeply ingrained that if we are isolated from sights, sounds, smells, and so forth for long enough we begin to hallucinate them. . . Our desires are not limited to the things we can see, hear, smell, taste, and touch. Our mind itself runs after ideas as greedily as our tongue hungers for tastes. Abstractions such as knowledge, reputation, security, and contentment are pursued with as much vigor as if they were things that could be held int he hand or seen by the eye. Desire is so pervasive, in fact, that it is doubtful whether there is anything we do that is not motivated by it." (Intro to Tantra, Lama Yeshe, Wisdom Publications/Boston).

This would suggest that locking yourself up in your room to avoid sensory stimulation may cause you to hallucinate the same sensations you are trying to avoid. It also suggests that you have many deep, more abstract desires besides images of women that are triggering you - such as the desire to be liberated from desire. So, there is no choice but to use desire!

You seem to have a natural inclination towards renunciation, which is a skill that, if carried out with a balanced rather than judgemental attitude, is a key ingredient in many spiritual practices. In Tibetan Buddhism, the word for "Renunciation" means "definite emergence". The focus is not on how BAD that habit or inclination is, but rather, the focus is on what lies underneath our compulsive preoccupations:

"Renunciation is not the same as giving up pleasure or denying ourselves happiness. It means giving up our unreal expectations about ordinary pleasures. These expectations themselves are what turn pleasure into pain. It cannot be said too often that there is nothing wrong with pleasure. It is our grasping, exxagerating, distorting attitude towards pleasure that must be abandoned" (Intro to Tantra, Lama Yeshe, Wisdom Publications/Boston).

What is the true essence of who we are when we let go of (which is different than repress) our obsessions? What will emerge there? Few people experiment enough to really find out - to definately emerge into the bliss of the present moment and their true nature, which is inherently pure.

In my experience it is the tibetan tantric wisdom tradition that is able to address these questions in the most pragmatic and wholistic fashion while pointing the way to a life of rejoicing and full enjoyment of the overflowing nectar that is life. "The function of tantra is to transform all pleasures into the transcendental experience of deep penetrative awareness."

We ALL need to save ourselves from obsessive desire before it's too late (before we completely ruin our ecosystem, for example). And it is truly only ourselves that can save us. Most people go outside themselves to be saved from their stress, by indulging their desires to the fullest and then wondering why they still feel empty inside. Others take the opposite extreme, denying themselves pleasure and resticting their activities, but still feeling frusterated because they are not using their desirous energy in a creative way or allowing themselves to revel in the lushness of life.

The tantric tradition points the way to the middle path - the path where our masculine and feminine sides are fully integrated. Culturally I feel that most people have been trained to value a distorted yang value system that is bent on acquiring, striving, heat, reaching goals, accomplishment,status, and rationality.

I am not saying that the yang principle is inherently distorted. I am saying that culturally we are operating from a distorted or overly extreme emphasis on what can be very healthy yang qualities when they are in balance with the more yin qualities of receptivity, intuition, and cooling energy.

Because most men and women in this culture have been trained to value an extreme yang attitude, the very natural result is that most people feel starved for the divine feminine. In this sense the tendency to look at pornography or get totally triggered by a foxy lady is a very natural need to merge with complimentary energies and become balanced. However, since 1) each person already has both yin and yang qualities within themself, and 2) everything is transient and so, even if temporarily grasped will not provide any lasting fulfillment, therefore our liberation and hapiness is only acquired by 1) balancing the active and receptive qualities in ourselves and 2)basking in the glorious unfolding of transient phenomenon without latching onto them.

You have transferred all your own divine female energy onto outside sources and are therefore totally triggered by the divine feminine when you encounter it, because you naturally want to merge with that which you think is missing in yourself and will bring you balance.

Instead, you could follow this inclination for balance by cultivating your very own receptive yin attitude. Since women also have yang energy, your calm, receptive attitude just might attract a woman who can see that you are able to hold your power, hold your charge, and interact with her in a way that is not compulsive or merely a means to dispel a built up tension or charge.

If you close yourself off from women and triggers, they will have that much more distorted power over you. If you get close to the trigger, holding your power, you will discover that a dynamic will exist in which you can learn to play, moving back and forth between active and receptive roles. The ability to enjoy this play, this undefined dynamic that may not lead us where we expect it to, and to relax into the full delight of being always surprised and not in control but still maintaining our center, is one of the finest artforms. It's the artform of truly enjoying life!

May your path be deep and rewarding!

Transmutation, Scorpio..

It's your ability to "transmute desire" that you seek. Desire itself is not impure. It is how it is acted upon. Being a scorp, you are by nature, an extremist. And it is a quality that, at times, proves constructive. At other times, (and most) Self defeating. Consider the 5th house in astrology, (which rules Leo, who's planet is the sun) The 5th house governs 1.)Creativity 2.)Sex 3.)Children. These 3 things are all possible outcomes when you feel that "Urge to merge, or.."splurge." The sex drive is a multifaceted potential. Instead of trying to avoid feelings of desire, welcome them. They bring you a potential gift. Since we are overpopulated, and orgasm leads to destructive behaviors, (as you are no doubt, very educated, which is fantastic) Use this desire for it's highest possible potential. When it arises, ask yourself, "how can I use this desire to make my world a better place to live in, and to improve my life, and the lives of others?" It's a powerful energy, the creative force. Express it. Write.Paint.Buy an instrument you have never played before, and master it. Speak out to your world, educate people in whatever medium you are inclined to express yourself. You are a powerful force, and I am incredibly proud of you. What you are doing is honorable, because it is defying all stigmas of age,and gender. I am going to brag about you excessivley, so know this.

Excellent

Hey ACB.

I just want to say i'm a scorpio too and i'm 25. Looking back i started masturbating at 12 and continued until like 6 months ago when i started taking this sacred sex seriously.

I also have a mental disorder, which i attribute a large part to masturbating at such an early age and for the amount that i did.

Long story short;) I'd say to use your suffering as your path. Very Tantric. It's not all about sexual energy. Desire in all its forms can be accepted as the path instead of pushing them away or trying to escape from them. They are you! So why are you so mean to them:) Learn to appreciate all aspects of your life, the good and the bad. Soon enough you'll learn to enjoy all moments whether pleasant or unpleasant.

Become those triggers, become those unpleasant feelings you get from triggers. To start, it would help if you learned more about what thoughts and feelings you are having specifically. Know yourself, then be yourself!

I have lot's of love for you man. Thank you for reminding me of me, and how it use to be.

Found a guide

I apologize sincerely for my lack of integrity. However, I would like to tell you that I have stumbled upon an extremely brilliant blog titled The Light of Virtue and it's a blog relating to a teenager's masturbation addiction. What caught my eye was that this guy has a story so similar to my own. I'm following his blog and have started my journey as he suggests. Be sure to check it out:

thelightofvirtue.blogspot.com

Keep the triggers to a minimum, but learn to live with the rest

You can never fully shield yourself from the triggers,
Just shield yourself from the easy ones that doesn't negatively affect your life too much (install ad-blocks, don't watch music videos, disable avatars on forums etc) but when it comes to things like going out you just need to learn how to deal with it, and you will.

On previously failed periods of abstinance for me I used triggers as an excuse, if I accidentaly saw a pic of a naked woman (that was not my fault, could have been a pop-up or whatever) then I used that as an excuse to break it off, but now thankfully I know that even if the trigger wasn't my fault, it's still my responsibility to stick to the plan.

And the whole point of going cold jerky is that after a while your obsession should go away so a month afterwards when that trigger flies up in your face your body just naturally respondes "nice body, if I knew her I'd probably try to flirt with her, oh well, back to work" rather than a full-body response of "I HAVE to satisfy myself right now!!!", my point is you don't have to be blind-folded to the world forever, just when first breaking the habbit :)

Yes,

it's important to realize that how you are now, is not how you always will be. This is a tough concept when your feelings are so demanding, but it's also soothing to realize you're battling a temporary neurochemical state that you can choose to bring (slowly) back into balance.