I figured it was time to post a blog entry about my ongoing efforts to introduce karezza lovemaking to my marriage where my wife has zero interest in sexual activity of any kind.
I am at the end of my second month of a three month effort to introduce karezza into our marriage. The objective thus far has been to not make any demands for sexual intimacy but instead engage in boding behaviors without conveying an intention that I wanted it to go to something else. The something else has traditionally been “orgasm.” My theory, based on reading Diane Richardson’s work, is that the drive for orgasmic sex and the roller coaster of emotions and chemicals that follow that ride have led us to our present difficulties.
Over the past two months we have engaged in lots of affectionate touch, hand holding and cuddling, all of it non-sexual. A couple of weeks ago we were on vacation and it was particularly hard for me. I wanted to make love to her so badly and I told her so, but got a “no” in response so just continued holding her and giving affectionate touch.
Yesterday I had a conversation with Nancy about Diane Richardson’s book, The Heart of Tantric Sex, and my desire to have karezza sex with her. I told her that I have been reading this beautifully written book about tantric sex and thought that it was something that would be really good for us. I explained that it described a new way of making love that was “effortless.” Her stock response surfaced that she is too taxed raising our four kids, never has any energy and can’t find time in a day to get done what she needs to get done, let alone make time for sexual intimacy. I acknowledged all of this and did not get defensive. I just offered that the book seemed to imply that using karezza could help alleviate daily stress, might even alleviate some of her constant complaints of aches, pains and fatigue and further improve our intimacy, which has noticeably improved for both of us over the last two months. Her response was “How is getting less sleep going to make me less tired?” I said I didn’t know, but we could always try it and see.
I suggested that we try to make a “date” to try some karezza love making. She seemed somewhat receptive to the idea, but said she wasn’t sure when she could make the time and also was concerned that unless we had a pre-arranged agreement to only do it for a limited amount of time, it might go on for hours thus depriving her of needed sleep. She expressed some interest in possibly trying it in about a month when we go away for a few days to celebrate our 20th wedding anniversary.
I have been stressing a bit lately about having this conversation. I’m really proud of myself for not going about it in an “I’m entitled, I’m offended” way, but simply matter of fact, without stress, pressure or expectation.
I’ve been giving a lot of thought lately to just bailing on this marriage. I keep reminding myself that I’ve decided to defer that decision for now, (at least until October) Right now, I’m just focusing on seeing if it is possible to repair the past damage in our relationship. I also keep reminding myself that “starting over” won’t be any easier than this is. My frustration just comes from my feelings of powerlessness, but I'm doing something positive and that helps a lot.
I left the Richardson book on her side of the bed. I doubt she will pick it up, but maybe she will. I had a hard time deciding which book to buy. I originally though of “Tantric Orgasm for Women” but was afraid the title would be offputting to Nancy, like this was somehow “her” problem and I was trying to fix her. I’m glad I got “The Heart” it is a well written book with a lot of suggestions. I’m excited about exploring this with Nancy, but Nancy has got to get interested in this too, or nothing is going to happen.
Today I know that I cannot control the ocean tides. I can only go with the flow. When I struggle and try to organize the Atlantic to my specifications, I sink. If I flail and thrash and growl and grumble, I go under. But, if I let go and float, I am borne aloft.