Submitted by Esse_Quam_Videre on
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I’ve been using porn for 50 years and recently in therapy had a breakthrough that has led to my making an attempt to stop. Thought I’d discuss this in case it rings bells for anyone else. I’ve come to believe that humiliation is a dynamic in my psyche. As a child and teen I experienced humiliating comments from my parents (e.g., “No girl would ever want you.”) I think feeling humiliated is part of my script. Humiliation is also a sexual turn on for me. It occurs to me that using porn, going to strip clubs, etc. is in part humiliating because, in my situation, these things substitute for real sex. This reinforces early messages that I cannot be sexually competent in a real relationship. This all provides me some motivation to stop using porn, getting in touch with the part of my that doesn’t want to be or feel humiliated. Rebooting may allow me to think and feel in a healthier manner. The Karezza idea is exciting because it points away from the idea that I have to be super competent in bringing a partner to orgasm or manly enough to come in buckets like in the flicks!

I’m interested to see if anyone can relate to this (or thinks I’m off track in my thinking in some way.)

Not at all

I, too, see one of the most beautiful aspects of karezza as "requiring no performance." It prevents a lot of these artificial benchmarks from inhibiting closer union. And often, the surprise is that performance can even be enhanced once it is not a goal.

You might also like this book, which talks about "soft entry." Talk about no performance anxiety!

I bet there are lots of women who would enjoy exploring this other way of relating.