My struggle

Submitted by saffa on
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This is my first post on this site, it may be a little long winded but here I go

I have been addicted to PMO since I was about 12, i'm 22 now. I have been M since I can remember, even as a pre pubesent boy I rember doing this over no particular image or thought just that it felt good. It was about 12 or 13 when I was in the first stages of puberty that I started looking through my moms clothing catalogues which had an underwear section, I remmber being very excited over this new discovery and she coud never figure out why her new clothing magazines were dissapearing. Anyway at about 12 or 13 I rememebr going to stay in my mates place in the city for the weekend and during this time he told me he had found these magazines stashed in an old tree hut and I had to come check them out. So as a pretty innocent 13 yo I went to this treehut and what I saw in those magazines blew my mind. They were softcore magazines showing woman in full states of nudity. I couldn't believe this sort of stuff existed. So we split these magazines up between us and I stashed them in my bag ready to go home. I remember when my mom picked me up to take me home that weekend, that I was absolutely frightened that she would somehow know and ask to look through my bag, but alas I got them home without being caught. They were my most prized possesions until one day the neighbour kid next door ratted on me and I was busted. I don't remember what punishment I got, just that my parents were very dissapointed in me and they "never wanted to see that sort of stuff in the house again."
Anyway fast forward a few years and we got dial up internet, and unluckly enough for me (felt lucky at the time) the computer was set up in my bedroom. I still had these images from those magazines imprinted in my brain and thought I would try an image search like "nude woman". What I found was even more explicite than I thought possible and it was from here that I believe I truly became addicted. So for the next 8 years I have been looking up P, which has become more graphic in time and certainly the advent of faster internet and streaming P videos has not helped my cause no end.

During these 8 years I think I would M on average once a day, but sometimes up to 7 hours a day when I was alone. I would go on massive PMO binges that would last from when I would wake up at like 8 oclock in the morning and continue to like 2 or 3 in the afternoon, where even eating, drinking and going to the toilet were foregone. I remember one day seeing myself in the mirror during one of these sessions and I truly looked like a zombie, my eyes looked sullen, bloodshot and completely lifeless and it scared the shit out of me. But that still didn't stop me and I trucked on through till I was sore ashamed and absolutely disgusted with myself. When I orgasm during these sessions I would tell myself I wouldn't do it again that day, but hey 15 minutes later I felt like this crazy lustball and would be back on the computer seeing more vaginas than one man shoud see in a lifetime.

It wasn't until recently when I discovered yourbrainonporn that I truly realized I had an addiction to PMO. I always knew what I was doing was not normal but is only on the discovery of this website that I have truly become to understand how addicted I have truly become.

Sitting here now I struggle to remember a time that I was truly happy and proud of myself as a person.

These are some of the consequences of my addiction so far

-low confidence
-anti social
-deep guilt, shame, disgust and knowing that I am not fulfilling my potential as a human being each day
- awkward around girls
- approx 2920 hours lost to PMO (8 years x 1 hour PMO a day) this equates to 122 (24 hour days) lost to PMO
- risky behavior such as PMO at both work and university
-failure to get an erection the first time I had sex with a girl. Although since then I have been with a few different girls and I think I generally perform quite well considering, but often find I can't maintain a full erection throughout (due to forcefull hand M) and struggle to achieve O with a girl without thinking of porn scenes in my head.

When I am most likely to surcumb to PMO

-when bored
-when stressed

What has helped me so far
-Opendns (blocks certain categorys of websites)
- this and other websites
- the reading of other addicts revovery stories and the knowledge that I can become a much better man in the future
- the thought that I could still be doing this when i'm a grown man with a wife and children makes me sick to the core and not wanting this to happen to myselF

My record so far is 10 days without either P,M or O and I started to feel more confident and happier as a person. I was getting more attention from woman, developed a more positive outlook on life, concentration powers were returning, moods swings less severe and generally a more happy person.

Last night I went on like a 3 hour PMO binge and so today the 31st of July 2011, my goal is to reach the 10th of September which will be a total of 6 weeks with no PMO. I would appreciate any comments or support as I know this will probably be the hardest thing I haver ever tried to do n my life as sad as that sounds. Again sorry for the length of this post, I have so much more to say, but I know we are not writing novels here.


Novels are fine. Smile Start your own personal blog if you like. You can link to this page, or copy your post in your blog.

I'm glad you've already had a taste of the benefits. That can help you stay motivated.

Sounds like you're a pretty social guy, despite the shyness, but there are things you can do to make your recovery easier. Exercising? Meditation? There are lots of ideas at these two links:

Keep us posted on your progress.

Nice first post

I like how well you seem to understand the problem. That is a great first step. Trust me, it takes all of us time just to get there. Keep posting as you make progress or have struggles.

didn't want to be back here

Hi all

Didn't want to be back writing on here as this is when I am at my lowest.

Recently I have moved countries and have got a really good job with a great boss. Since my last posting I have struggled throughout with my pmo addiction. Best I did was about 17 days when I was trekking in a foreign country. No access to internet, hard exercise everyday. Without a doubt the happiest I have been in my life. For example I was staying in a hut about 2 weeks into the trek when 3 attractive girls turned up later in the day. Normally I would be shy around them, but here I felt like a "player". I was calm, confident, funny, not creepy and I could feel them all wanting my attention! Felt awesum.

Anyway I finished the trek and got back into civilization where I had access to the internet. This again started me on the cycle of PMO to excess, 2-4 days of trying to abstain and feeling like shit, then PMO again just so I could feel "good" again.

Its f$#%ed this porn industry. I can't live like this anymore and I think to myself this will be the day that I quit, never again, but somehow you end up PMO-ing without even realizing how you got there (4 hours later).

This is destroying me as a person as I know I have alot of potential.