Subterranean Dating (Esp. Interested in Women's Thoughts and Feelings on This)

Submitted by etgalore on
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I just did a 90 day reboot. I feel pretty good.

And now little background for my ridiculous question:

I've been living on parents' couches finishing school for the past 2 years. I am considerably older than a typical undergraduate (double an average undergraduate's age, actually). I look quite young for my age. When I told people I was a new student, often they'd ask me if I was a freshman. When I tell people my age, they are flabbergasted and ask me what my secret is. It's kind of crazy.

The point is, though--I kind of knew I should not pursue any kind of a relationship, because my peers were 99% too young for me, and even if I wanted to, and honestly sometimes I felt so pent up I thought I did, I couldn't, since there's nothing creepier than bringing a girl back to your couch at your parents house. (Oh, and your parents are old enough to be their grandparents! Yeah! I know this is absurdly funny. It's ok.)

So now, I just moved off the couch and to a new state to go to grad school and find that I have rented a room in a basement where overnight guests are not allowed. It was all I could get on short notice. So now I'm older than a typical graduate student, but not so much older that I would feel like Humbert Humbert if I got involved with someone, but that's sort of besides the point, since I still don't have anywhere to "go."

The place I am renting is month-to-month, thankfully, so I might be able to find a new place sometime, but I'm kind of wondering what to do NOW.

I am lonely and have been lonely for a long time. I kept myself sort of locked away the past two years and I don't want to get on that track again. Can I do anything to just sort of "Get Out There," or should I wait until I have a place? It seems a relationship could not really progress the way I have it. I'm guess it's totally unsexy to live in a basement room. Am I overthinking this? Yes. Anyway--some suggestions or advice would be most appreciated.

Get out there!

Because of your age (I'm guessing mid-30s or so? is that correct?), if you are interested in meeting women your same age (don't want to assume!), they will most likely have their own "place" where you can go (when that situation comes up). Just be as open and honest and funny about it to them as you have been to us here~~

My beloved usually comes to see me at my place rather than vice-versa~~I'm on a farm in the country with no neighbors and he lives in an apartment near the city~~he loves getting away and coming here and it's good for me since I have horses, a dog, etc., to tend to and so would rather be here anyway! Since he makes the long trip, I provide the cooking and refreshments~~win win for everybody!

All this to say that when you meet the right woman, things will all work out as they should, so don't worry! Get out there and have fun!


~Be present when you are with people. Breathe deeply and listen not only with your ears but more importantly with your heart~~

I dunno but

I tend to go for men with similarly disreputable living situations. :D There was one guy I kinda liked (never dated but wanted to) who lived in his studio and did not even have a bathroom. What? I guess look for someone free-spirited to improve your chances.


That's a major step in the right direction. Just start paying attention. She's there, and she has a nest. Wink

What kind of thing are you studying? (PM me if you prefer)

Look on the bright side.

Look on the bright side. Presumably you are saving money which means you have more cash to do whatever with. You also know that the women are not after you for your flashy digs. I'm in a similar situation, maybe worse in some ways. Good women don't look at this as much as you might least I hope so.

age... what you look like and feel like. There is biological age and chronical age and sometimes they just aren't the same. I think if you would date somebody your age you would feel like dating your mom!
If you feel good with younger people and you fit in, why not. Totally ok. It only would be arkward if you looked your age and then would hang around with younger people. Find the ones you feel good with, same wavelength...

And I think trying to get to a nicer place would be good for you, too, not just for your reputation Wink

Go for it - age is overrated

All of us guys know that women are more mature at the same age, so it probably takes us until mid 30s to catch up to a 22 year old women. (I can say that since I'm a guy!)

OK, more serious comment. Get out and meet some females. They may turn into good friends or something more. Don't worry about your living conditions, you are pretty typical for a grad student. Forget the age thing. As long as you are honest about it (if asked), there is nothing wrong with it.

oops made a mistake...

chronological age ... was what I wanted to say... which means: the years
and biological age means: the hm.. let's call it ... viridity of your cells

hehe.. but age IS chronic in some ways... Smile
maybe not talk about it in the first place but ...say ... fifth?

If The Hobbit Hole's A 'Rockin, Don't Come A 'Knockin!

Thanks to all of you for your much-appreciated advice and encouragement. I was totally jazzed when I read through all the replies.

Thanks Rachel for reminding me that open and funny is good. For some reason I try to steer everything towards perfection, when, in fact, being cool with what is is where it is.

Oh yeah

I forgot to mention that from age 29 through 32 I was living with my grandparents and I directly experienced what you are going through. I felt like it was hard to date and there were people who judged me. Due to the fact that there are plenty of women out there it doesn't take long to find one that understands. To be honest the only way to not feel this way is to just find a way to move out. After like three years I came to the point where the benefits weren't outweighing the costs and I believe that any reasonably employable and intelligent person can make it on their own if they put their mind to it....but it still took me a few years to get to that point. I respect that there are limitations and that you are there out of necessity but working around the limitations and making opportunities is the key thing.

I brought women home to my grandparents during a period where I was dating a lot. For the most part the women didn't mind, those who did just got "nexted." Again though, the only way to beat this feeling is to find somewhere to move. It might not be as cosy but the emotional rewards at the end of the day make up for the cracked walls and the mice. Mice are blind anyway and pretty quiet so if you bring a woman around they usually leave you alone Wink At least when you lay your head down at night you can do it knowing you are in *your* place and nothing can substitute for that feeling of accomplishment after a period of living w your folks.