Day 1 -- An introduction From A New PMO Escapee

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Hi

After a few months of reading on this site, trying (and retrying) to reboot from PMO, I am coming out to introduce myself and join this community which has given me such hope about reclaiming my life from PMO.

I am a 39 yr old man who has come to the end of the road with pornography and masturbation. Looking back on my life, especially with the clear perspective that this site has given me (thank you SO MUCH Marnia and Gary!!), I see now that I have unknowingly squandered the best years of my life, all because of my addiction to porn.

My story starts late one night about 25 years ago. After watching a sexy, dubbed european soft core flick on one of the (scrambled) cable channels (anyone remember Cinemax?), I was literally drunk with lust and discovered masturbation for the first time.

That was in my mid teens. Since that night, it has been a daily habit. It soon escalated to videos (remember VHS tapes?) and magazines.

At the same time, I found girls increasingly unknowable and inaccessible. I didn’t have a girlfriend in High School. I had porn and masturbation.

Not surprisingly, I was a shy, withdrawn, depressed kid. When I was 21, my parents had had enough of my depressive, moping mood, and took me to a psychiatrist, who diagnosed me a depressive and prescribed anti-depressants. I took them daily for the next 13 years. As most of you know, they had a delightful set of sexual side effects, including inability to orgasm, which fueled my porn use even more as I desperately sought release. That’s when I really started to binge. All nighters with porn was not uncommon. At a time when other guys my age were out partying, meeting girls, having sex, I was lost in the shadows, isolated in a world of pornography and excessive masturbation.

I swear I single handedly (haha) bankrolled a few video stores through the 90s with all the Adult movie I rented. Looking back, the shame of being the young guy who came in daily for 2 - 3 new tapes every day meant little to me. I was an addict. The thrill of the quest cancelled out any reservations or hesitations. I needed my fix.

I barely had sex in my 20s. When I had money, I became a regular at strip clubs, and eventually started paying for sex with call girls -- as you can guess...not the best for my self esteem. This created a lifelong complex about my ability to attract girls. This feeling of inadequacy with meeting and attracting girls continued and grew until it became a constant, unquestioned angst that defines me today as a man. Through it all, I returned to pornography, daily, as my only solace.

Of all the damage pornography has done to me psychologically (isolation, anti-social behavior, misogyny, procrastination) and physically (sluggishness, serious ED issues), I think the greatest damage is how I NEED sexual novelty now to feel sexually fulfilled.

Through the (warped) magic of pornography, I have “been” with thousands of beautiful women. While others move towards the idea of intimacy and love, I have fixated on the idea of harems, of endless one night stands, bedposts with countless notches.

For the last 6 years or so, I have suffered textbook ED. It came to a point where, when I did find myself with a real girl, I would sneak off and take a Viagra or Cialis, and time it out so I knew I would be hard enough when I needed it. Premature Ejaculation has been common (since I’ve been off anti-depressants). It’s not pretty.

But during the last year, I fell in love with a wonderful girl. And with her, I was able to perform. Not always, but very often. Though I didn’t discuss my porn use with her at first, I was so happy that I could feel the love of a woman and have great sex without pills.

But it didn’t last. After a few months, I found myself waiting for her to leave so I could masturbate to porn. And this after a wonderful night or weekend of hot, romantic lovemaking!

To make matters worse, she moved away and we tried to keep it going long distance, with the plan that I would move also and we’d be together again. It was strained and with her gone, I found I was again slave to my need for novelty. I scanned every girl in sight, and if she was hotter than my girlfriend, my stomach stung with the resentful thought that I can’t have her because I am stuck in a relationship with this one woman. It got out of control. This inner turmoil became even more acute when I went to visit my girlfriend. I would see other girls I was more attracted to and my mood would darken and eventually, I just didn’t want sex with her. My moods were black and I pushed her away, despite her unending love and devotion to me.

She and I split up about 3 months ago. She won’t return any emails, texts. She is done with me.

Since then, I have realized more than ever how sick I am. I am an addict and I desperately need to heal. With her out of my life, I realize just how empty my life is. She has so many friends, is so active, so social. I have virtually no friends. I have no passions. My only passion has been collecting pornography. It has left me alone and impotent and hopeless.

So I really have no choice. It really feels like a life or death situation right now. Newly single and lonelier than ever, I realize that if I want even a chance at happiness and love again, I MUST ‘reboot’ and let my brain and my psyche heal.

It’s funny. I don’t even know who I am without porn and masturbation. I hope I am a good man who’s charming, warm, sensitive, social, passionate, driven, loving, sexy, and fun to be with. Anything would be better than who I am now.

So I start on my reboot. In the past few months, I’ve tried in earnest to be clean of pornography. The longest I went was 20 days. By finally starting to post on this wonderful site, I hope I will stay on track this time and go the distance. As I travel through my journey of healing, I hope to continue with posts that are more upbeat and hopeful.

Thanks for reading. And another sincere thanks to Marnia and Gary for their non-judgmental encouragement on this site and YBOP. It’s a lifeline.

Regards,
FREE

Welcome

I have to say from reading just this one post that I'm sure you'll find that good man is there and always has been once you lose the addition to pornography and masturbation.

I'm sure you've read all the tips and stuff here and on YBOP, but if there's one bit of advice I can give, it's to not be too hard on yourself if you relapse. Just accept it and move on. It's been nearly 3 years since I found this site, and I'm not completely free yet, but I've had more periods of freedom from p/m/o and a much happy life in these 3 years because I'm now on the path to recovery.

Good luck! And keep posting!

Welcome to a new warrior...

..going against the grain!

Thank you for your story - I think posting and interacting here is a big chance to find support and knowledge and slowly more stability.

Welcome to the family of weirdos Wink
(I imagine the Tyra Show on the bizarros that DON'T WANT TO ...MASTURBATE!! anymore! )

Free -

Thanks for being so transparent and sharing in depth your story. I can relate to the PM problem myself. I'm 53 and have a 40+ year history of PM abuse. Good news - today is Day 130 of being PM free!! I say that to encourage you ... it can be done!! Before coming here, in the past, the best I could every do was like 3-10 days.

If you haven't already done so, go to Yourbrainoporn.com and watch Gary's videos. I watched, re-watched, and just got done watching them again about a week ago. Also, read as much as you can the post here and continue to share your journey. I found that writing was very theraputic for me. Read and re-read the articles at Yourbrainonporn.com as well. I know it may sound excessive, but I have a short term memory - I can barely remember what I did yesterday (at least it seems that way) - but I can remember porn scenes of clips / movies I've watched back 25 years as if it were just yesterday. So even after 130 Days, I'm still in a deprograming mode.

You will also find that you are not alone. Everyone here is very encouraging and whats to help you succeed and win the battle.

Come up with a plan that you think will work best for you and then follow it. Be tenacious. Be a Pitbull when you take on this PMO thing. There will be good days and some days that will be really tough. I still have an urge now and then to want to go and take a peek at a porn clip or two. So for me, each day is a battle on the WAR ON PORN!!

If I can do it - So can YOU!! Stay focused!! Fight on!!! Take no Prisoners when it comes to your battle!!

Be Encourage!! You'll make it!!

pcb

Thank You!

Already I feel a part of the gang! Thanks for your words of encouragement 'TimeForChange' 'fleur_rare' 'Willpowerful' and 'PCB'! It means a lot to me to have good people who are on the same journey being so supportive. Makes me feel like, after all these years, I'm not alone and that I can finally do this.

'PCB'...a special thanks for your great suggestion to re-read the articles and re-view the videos. It's been a while since I first found this site and thinking back to when I was first exposed to the info, it had a huge impact on me and fueled my first extended reboot attempt. I'm going back again to dig into the great material Gary and Marnia have put up about the brain and PMO. BTW, what an inspiration you are. 130 days is epic. You belong on the Mount Rushmore of PMO reboots! I'm calling South Dakota..

Well, at least you haven't lost your sense of humor

I think that improves your chances enormously. Smile

Remember that you're enabled to blog. It might be wise to move your future posts over there, so you can track your progress without creating one endless thread. (Click on Members' Blogs in lefthand list and then you'll see "My Blog")

Yeah, we constantly update YBOP with new material as the amazing men here share what works for them, so there's always new stuff there.

Sorry about your romance, but at least you got a glimpse of the real you...hiding in that frog outfit. Wink The worst curse of porn is that it trains your brain to get hooked on that constant novelty. In truth, no matter how wonderful any woman is, she's never going to be constantly new. So if you want lasting satisfaction, you have to rewire that circuit in your brain. It's hard to imagine that this is possible, but trust me, it is. You may find you do better with a karezza approach: http://www.reuniting.info/node/7220

Funny, I actually said something about this "novelty problem" in a recent interview, which you guys might enjoy. It's stuck in the middle of this 3-minute reel: http://crazylittlething.org/orsonfilms/Rough-Cut_Interview_Reel.html Warning: If you blink, you miss it. Smile (Note: The "Brown" insignia will be replaced with "Author, Cupid's Poisoned Arrow")

Who knows?

But the interesting thing is that it's being made by a young Mexican film-maker and his buddies - with financial backing from a businessman. Two of them came here to film, and had dinner with us. We really liked them both.

They're noticing a lot of the same issues you guys are...hence the film. They filmed Gary, too, but it looks like they're going to focus on the damage to relationships, not on the brain chemistry of porn addiction. But we'll see.

Welcome!

I too started when I was 14, and yes I remember the blurry channels. I'm 20 now and after not being able to perform one night, decided that was it. Also, I realized I had a problem after I never wanted to do anything sexual with my ex. There were emotional issues too, but that's beside the point. I can tell you this is working for sure and I've even relapsed a few times. Just stick with it man, and welcome again! Btw,I love that your avatar is a bird, because youre "free as a bird now" :)

That looks like a GREAT documentary!

I really want to see the completed project. I am so glad you were included, Marnia. No discussion of porn and its effects on the human brain/psyche would be complete without your and Gary's input.

Thanks again. I'll start a blog. And yes, I am intensely interested in being in a relationship Karezza style. After I shuck off the 'frog outfit', of course. :)

@ XPornHead30 -- Thanks for the welcome! I love your posts and I'm happy to be part of the community so I can join the discussion. Wishing you the best on your journey as well!

@ kcguy09! Glad you like the avatar. That's what I want to be...free as a bird. The loss of attraction for the great girl in my life was a tragic and somber wake up call for me too. Not to mention the ED. In a strange way, (can't believe I'm saying this) I'm glad it came to that so I was finally forced to see how extreme my problem was. I will stick with it, as I know you can also. Thanks for your kind welcome.