Note from Marnia. I decided to add a ♥ because this strikes me more as a relationship post than a recovery post...not that the two are always separate.
I thought I'd share a small part of my story as a way of introduction. I didnt really feeling comfortable jumping onto another post and had no idea where to put it, so please move it if its not in a good spot.
My first introduction to bonding behaviours really began with my first (and, so far, only) deep connection. Lets call her Star.
We met 9 years ago. I remember on one of our first dates she told me she 'hated being touched'. I said told her that i love touching and asked if she minded if i gently massaged her head. She said 'no i dont mind, but dont expect me to do it back.' Of course i teased her for being such a cheeky little flirt with that response ... anyway it turns out she loves to be touched, held, caressed.. God, we all do.
We started off crazy passionate about each other, making love all the time with lots of generous affection & bonding behaviours... and tonnes of wild orgasms too. This phase lasted for about 4-5 years, but the cracks were appearing. We ignored them. We were young, naive and intoxicated. Emotional firey, but at times, so connected and beautiful. Our souls touched briefly sometimes. We had an experience where we lay with me inside her, just touching and gazing at each other without orgasm. It was Karezza, but we didnt have a name for it. It only happened once, before the big bad O-drug was back with other reinforcements (sh1t! O's everywhere!!).
She was my second sexual partner & unlike most of my mates, I was blessed to learn early on (I dunno how) that we have been sold a huge, fat lie by society. ***That banging as many chicks as possible is the path to being a great bloke.*** Liar, liar pants on fire!
Lads the world over, please sit down with your sons and tell them "When it comes to girls, listen to your heart, not the other boys or the crap u see on TV.. It's a voice that is quiet, but it is always there. Then think and choose for yourself how u want to be."
So back to the story, those cracks became fissures and we broke up. I dealt with the heart ache with a lot of strength training, work, booze, experimenting with drugs, hanging with mates, ignoring my feelings, trying to connect with girls.. Im empty & I started sleeping with Star again. Star dealt with it by relying on family & becoming sexually extroverted (topless waitressing, using guys, posting porno videos of herself).
Sometime in there, I bought and read Marnia's book (and this forum) & the spiritual sexuality & biological programming resonated with me. Marnia & Gary, you've created something special. Thank you.
At this time, me and Star then played the back and forward game of wanting each other, then not (1.5 years total). I finish my qualifications, obtain a position in Sweden and tell her goodbye. She flips and desperately wants to move o/seas with me once she hears all this.
Im not addicted to porn because the passion and intensity in our relationship is my drug... so I, of course, take more of that drug. This was my addiction. Not porn. Or coke. Or pot. Or alcohol. I see it now, i loved the madness & the fire. I had similar withdrawals when we split.
Im slow on the uptake, but finally worked this out!
So Star moves over after 6 months long distance relationship. She is a beautifully intelligent, perceptive & compassionate woman, you guys would love her on here. She understood Karezza and while she wasnt sold on it intellectually, said she would give it a go for sure.
I know the girls who've read this far are waiting for a happy ending with lots of generous Karezza and the boys are waiting for graphic descriptions (Pictures!) of the wild sex... haha, no. Not the great men reading here :)
Unfortunately, our relationship falls apart badly at this stage. We dont do Karezza and we rarely make love. Star was cheating on me back in Australia & the shame (and many other things) causes her to become abusive, depressed, self harming & suicidal. I function really poorly too. Her behaviours are classic high functioning borderline personality disorder, but i dislike labels like that. Everyone is unique. After some truly awful experiences, we go our own ways and have not talked since.
So now im on my journey to peace. It's been a few months since Star has been gone and I see this time as my brain/body rewiring from the addiction of living in the place i like to call 'crazy, dysfunctional land.'
I am avoiding orgasms and this is going great (maybe 3 or 4 weeks now) and filling my life with plenty of exercise, healthy food, stimulating work and lots of social interaction with others. Im still feeling mostly numb emotionally, sexually and energetically. I keep telling myself this is normal and to trust my heart. It may be like a reboot that the porn guys on here describe. It may not. Any thoughts?
I recently had my first one night stand with a girl. It was not so fun. She wanted hard, fast, emotionless sex, i wanted slow, sensual touching without orgasm... I'll admit these dichotomous expectations were entirely my fault, my body language was screaming "mate with me!" from the moment i met her. Anyway we just took it in turns: me giving her what she wanted, then she kissed, touch and held with me.
It was nice in some ways, but, no matter how well I act, I still know I'm acting... unless i was maybe Danial Day Lewis.... Or Vin Diesel. Wow, what an actor! :P
The experience did provide me with a very small concept of what its like to be a girl and have someone just want you for sex. God i'd be SO dissillusioned if partner after partner was like this!!!! Oh girls (& guys) who've had this, i feel for you.
Anyway, I guess I'd like to learn some other ways of attracting girls without communicating to their mating program. I wonder if there is a discussion on this? How do you guys go about dating and flirting?
(long story... coming to an end)
My plan is to try to work towards a balanced, peaceful life. Im not rushing into a sexual relationship, but will let the opportunity arise naturally. Someone to touch with (cuddle buddy) would be pretty cool and im considering asking for this the next girl im interested in.
If you made it this far, thank you for reading. I know long posts are tough to swallow.
All the best,