Advice for a broken down dejected 22 year old (no porn since april 12th)

Submitted by dmoh34 on
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Okay so I have vastly cut down on masturbating... i do it once a week max (used to do it daily to porn). I haven't seen or masturbated to porn since april. I am an attractive young guy... a LOT of girls like me. Some of them practically throw themselves at me and here I am with a limp dick. THis is SOOOO frustrating. This has been happening since I was 15. I have had the opportunity to be with some really beautiful females but I couldnt. I am now a senior in college and I really dont want to graduate not experiencing that part of the college life. I know there is nothing with me physically i can masturbate and hold an erection for an hr if I wanted to no porn needed. Its hard for me to completely cut out masturbating but I will do that and see how it goes. I figured by NOW id be fine even with the occasion masturbation but just over the weekend I was with a really nice girl..super sexy banging body.. and I had nothing going on down there. I am really at a lost and just need some guidance.

just FYI when i do

just FYI when i do masturbate I need to physically stimulate myself to get an erection but its not difficult and id be hard as a rock.
Also for watever reason i am able to have decent sex with one of my exs and thats it just her...but once I orgasm I have NO will to continue...and often have erection problems afterwards if we try to continue.

How comfortable are you with

How comfortable are you with your body? Do you have a big ego? Do you have fetishes?

All these things affected my erections. At first, I only ever wanted to show my best self. I hated showing any bodily flaws. So, during intercourse I'd constantly be monitoring myself. The same could be said for my ego- I wanted to be percieved as good @ intercourse, so I'd constantly monitor my own performance. These were both great erection killers. Accepting myself & relaxing made a big difference.

Also, fetish wise I have a thing for hairy pussies. To me, nothing is more beautiful & more exciting. The first women I'd been with were shaved. Having a natural vagina made a pretty big difference too.

Not sure if any of these apply to you, just my experiences.

Some good input

[quote=EdgingAddict87]How comfortable are you with your body? Do you have a big ego? Do you have fetishes?

All these things affected my erections. At first, I only ever wanted to show my best self. I hated showing any bodily flaws. So, during intercourse I'd constantly be monitoring myself. The same could be said for my ego- I wanted to be percieved as good @ intercourse, so I'd constantly monitor my own performance. These were both great erection killers. Accepting myself & relaxing made a big difference.

Also, fetish wise I have a thing for hairy pussies. To me, nothing is more beautiful & more exciting. The first women I'd been with were shaved. Having a natural vagina made a pretty big difference too.

Not sure if any of these apply to you, just my experiences.[/quote]

I am not that comfortable with my body.Im not really fat but its not how i would like it to be and id rather have sex with a shirt and or boxers on. I really dont have any fetishes that I have discovered. And I often worry about my performance but that only because I have a hard time maintaining my erections...which makes me worry which makes me loose my erection.

performance anxiety

Quote: "I know there is nothing with me physically i can masturbate and hold an erection for an hr if I wanted to no porn needed"

If this quote is accurate, you have performance anxiety. That's the test - can one masturbate without porn and achieve a healthy erection? You can. You either cured your porn-induced ED, or never had it.

Maybe you need an emotional connection too?

I seem to remember reading one guys account where he said that he couldn't get a hard on unless he was emotionally involved with the girl in question, regardless of how attractive she was. Coming from the other side, I don't think that I could get turned on enough by a hot guy to be ready for sex, unless I knew him and liked his company and personality etc. A good body just doesn't do it for me - there has got to be more than that. Just because in porn the guys are all ready with huge erections the minute that a hot girl shows up (viagra anybody?) doesn't mean that you have to be. That might explain why you can have sex with your ex, but not with others?

I could be on entirely the wrong track, of course, but it could be part of it. Could you try the bonding behaviours (on the left of the screen, or in Marnia's book) for a couple of weeks, as a way to get closer to the girl you want to have sex with, and more comfortable with her before you try sex? Even if you don't want to try karezza (I would, it's delicious) it might be worth trying just as a confidence booster.

Btw, as far as I am aware it is totally natural to lose your erection post orgasm, happens to everyone, if you want to avoid that then karezza is probably the way forward - no orgasm, no sudden loss of erection, longer sex sessions... I lose my will to have sex post-orgasm too - one of the reasons I decided I'd rather not have them...

Hope things pick up....

Hugs, Kat

+1 This guys perspective

If you have no problems with an ex, then your ED is all in your head... or your heart.

As Katten said, it could also be that you need an emotional connection. This is a girls perspective and this is 'expected' of girls.
I'm as blokey as they come and i agree with Katten. You may be like this too and if you are, then honour your true self - you are awesome the way you are. Your measure of being a worthy man has nothing to do with how many hot chicks you shag. Dont believe that sh1t we're fed by society and our mates for a minute.

It is confidence and being totally cool with who you are and what you want that is masculine.
I recall one night, i was out with a pretty awesome group of my typical aussie mates as well as a number of girls and my mate loudly says "You need to get laid. Im gunna find someone to get you laid!"
I somehow came up with "I dont want to get laid with 'just someone' " in response.
... wow, the attention i got from the girls in the group after that!

When u find an awesome girl, take your time to connect with each other & the sex will be unreal.
Hope my perspective helps mate

Westgate

Congratulations on

unhooking from porn. Well done. With a slow approach, I think you'll triumph over performance anxiety, too. Remember, while you were watching porn, your brain wasn't wiring to real females. The more time you spend around them, the better, so your brain can finish wiring up. Can you take a dance class or massage class? Both are good ways to get closer without worrying about performance. Do you have any female friends who would be good cuddle buddies? That would help, too.

It's okay to tell women you're interested in that you'd like to take it slowly and get to know them first. You are not a porn star who must perform.

Start out the first few dates with lots of playful skin to skin contact and make it clear you are not going to have intercourse. Maybe tell her you read a weird book (Cupid's Poisoned Arrow) and you want to try some of the ideas. Wink Or even see if she'd read it.

Try to shift into a more playful mood around sex and pretend you're two puppies rolling around. If neither partner feels under pressure...you may be surprised what comes up. Smile But keep your boundary of no intercourse or oral sex for the first couple of sessions...even if you feel confident. Anticipation builds confidence in such a situation.

Abstaining is best for now

From all the posts I've read, abstaining from any M (without fantasy) or fantasy itself is best if you want a full recovery and no bad side effects such as loss of erection or libido, even mood swings and lasting fatique. This process typicaly takes 8 to 10 weeks, possibly a few weeks longer. From the testimonials I know it's worth it! And if you can weather the storms (it'll get easier) what's a few months?

"Knowing is not enough, we must apply. Willing is not enough, we must do." - Bruce Lee
This quote is what it's all about!

I had similar experiences to you

at your age- I was not using porn, and tried to not masturbate more than once a week- but I still had ED in real life situations. Now I'm 36, and have done a reboot for the first time in my life- it's made a big difference. I think my erections and overall sensitivity are the best they've ever been at any time in my life. I've had (and may still have?) some anxiety issues, as it sounds like you may have too- but these go away when I'm comfortable. I recommend you abstain from masturbation for 60 days or so, and see what happens. I predict things will get a lot better for you.

Yes

[quote=Telepathy] I recommend you abstain from masturbation for 60 days or so, and see what happens. I predict things will get a lot better for you.[/quote] Word. And word about performance anxiety. And when you abstain, don't test it with a lady. Complete the time-frame, at least. Come back from Winter Break with a vengeance! ROCKIT

Try cutting out masturbation all together

We were meant to give our seed to women, not our belly buttons Wink .. this will work, I remember I went 12 weeks of abstaining from masturbation porn and orgasm, and I had a rock on like you wouldn't believe it! just give it a try, men with ED didn't pop up until recently..
"what a weird turn of events" just try it out and see if it works.. transmute your sexual energy into other things.. and see where this takes u! ps I am 22 as well.. and i know exactly what u are going threw, I too use to have this problem, and once I quit masturbating/watching porn.. all this "Limp dick" stuff went away.. good luck.

eoa

just an update for you guys

I had a month long relapse in December where I masturbated every few days. Since then I gained my focus back. Moed once since decemeber 10th. But I have a lady friend spending the night this friday and I dont know what to do. I KNOW sex will come up im pretty sure she will initiate it if i dont. I would LOVE to please her and during my journey I have been prescribed levitra. Havent gotten the opportunity to try it yet but will sex be damaging to my reboot? I mean sex with a female is what I want to wire my brain to correct?

and thanks for all the support with the replies. Feels like I have friends I have never met ! When I fully get over this and become a sex machine lol I will definitely post a full length blog/post about my experience

Some guys

have used it just to get over their initial jitters. But eventually, you gotta try without it or you won't know where you are.

Have fun!

Hey dmoh, Yeah, good healthy

Hey dmoh,

Yeah, good healthy sex is the goal here, and if that's how things go on Friday then it should help to re-wire your brain. If everything goes perfectly Friday, great! Just be aware that you'll still be in healing mode for a while, adjusting to the changes for a few more months probably. Still need to avoid PMO obviously. And if everything doesn't go perfectly, just avoid the "chaser effect" of going back to PMO and your reboot continues on after probably learning a few things about lovemaking. The reboot and rewiring are always continuing onward as we avoid PMO and extinguish those old habits.