Day 36 with no PMO

Submitted by ChronicCase on
Printer-friendly version

Right here's my desperate story!

I'm 35 years old and have been M since i was 15 and to internet multi-windows open porn for the last 10 years or so. I'm straight but i never M to clips of normal sexual activity it was always fetish P like s&m, lycra/spandex, superheroines (!). I was into lots of weird, kinky stuff. Always involving consenting adult humans i must add!!

Now i've always done ok attracting girls but the relationships would always go the same way. I'd find them attractive, have sex with them and really enjoy it but then i would completely go off them sexually within a few days and if we even had sex anymore i would have to fantasise about those porn scenarios in my head to be turned on.

Back in april i met a new girl that i had been attracted to for a long time. But the same thing happened so in desperation i went on the net and found the yourbrainonporn site. However due to the fact that i was in a new relationship and still just about having sex (increasingly having to rely on porn fantasy to stay hard) i didn't do the whole reboot thing.

Anyway the problem remained. I massively cut down on P and M but the old kinky, fetish fantasies were still the only thing that could turn me on! I had completely gone off the girl.

So...on september 1st i came clean to her and told her that P had messed me up and i wanted to do 2 months with no PMO. She reluctantly agreed. It's been Ok so far. I've had a few days when the old fantasies have appeared in my head and i've had to REALLY struggle to get rid of them. They still clearly turn me on. I must be in the flat line period right now. I haven't had a proper erection in 5 weeks.

All i want is to find normal sexual contact with my girlfriend arousing again. Can anybody give me any advice please??

One word. Karezza.

Have a look at the stuff on this site about it and see if your willing to give it a shot. It's pretty much the only shortcut back to sex that isn't going to set you back in your reboot as far as I know (infact I think it can actually help with the rewiring proccess).

It's not exactly 'normal sexual contact' - but it is sexual contact, and is it damn good. I'm a big fan anyway... And I'd be shocked if it didn't increase your attraction to her. To be honest I think maybe you want to read Marnia's book (Cupid's Poisoned Arrow). She doesn't like to push it, but I can almost guarantee you wouldn't regret it.

Good luck!

Hugs Kat

Congratulations

on your willingness to learn and try something new. That's already a huge step.

Alas, we don't know of a sure way to "push the river" when it comes to increasing sexual chemistry. Your brain is probably still in flatline gear, and there's no telling when it will work its way out.

That said, bonding behaviors are a powerful way to get your primitive brain to welcome attachment. Have you read this article? http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/cupids-poisoned-arrow/200909/the-laz... Are you cuddling daily? It's easy to leave that out when sex is off the menu for a bit, but cuddling is actually very soothing for both partners.

Start your own blog if you like.

Thanks Katten and Marnia for

Thanks Katten and Marnia for your advice.

Well i'm up to 39 days now. What i find is i'm getting very intense porn flashbacks that make me feel incredibly horny and i get a semi-erection (or full one if i'm sitting down). Sometimes i dwell on them a bit longer than i should but i DON'T masturbate to them. I know this kind of fantasy should be avoided as it strengthens the old pathways so i'm trying to put them out of my mind but it's very hard to do so in the moment.

My goal is to make it to 8 weeks PMO free and i'm pretty sure i'll be able to do that. The only thing i'm worried about is whether or not i will then find normal intercourse with my girlfriend a turn-on. If i don't then i don't know what the next step is. I don't think i'll do the karezza thing but cuddling etc will be fine.

If i could just find her as attractive as i did when we first got together (or nearly as attractive as i'm aware that attractive almost always fades to some extent) i would be sooo damn happy.

You are on the right path,

You are on the right path, bravo :) right now you're seeing all kinds of withdrawal symptoms.. Don't worry, the flashbacks will diminish over time.

But, be aware that the process may take a bit longer. 60 days seems to be on the low side. More average is 90 days, with 120 occurring as well for some guys.

Now that you're doing so well, I wouldn't rush things once you get to 60 days.. See how you feel then. If you doubt you've rebooted fully, go for another 30 days. Its a lifetime investment.

Hi. Just a quick question.

Hi. Just a quick question. I'm up to 43 days now and like i said i feel confident of getting to 60 BUT i keep getting old porn fantasies in my head. Sometimes i'll just be lying there in bed when one will come into my head and i'll dwell on it for a bit and it will seem VERY arousing and i'll get an erection but i won't masturbate. Is this edging or not? How damaging is it?

Not "damaging"

But may slow the reboot. You're now trying to wire to real partners. Can you get some daily cuddling?

Also, I'm glad you cruised by because I meant to recommend this blog to you. This guy is married and noticed a big turn around in his attraction for his wife: http://wankie.tumblr.com/ You may find it inspiring.

Thanks Marnia, an

Thanks Marnia, an interesting read. Being turned on by my real-life partner is the last hurdle i face. I keep getting really intense flash-backs of all the stand out fantasies i've had over the past 15 years. NONE of them involve just being naked and making love to a woman. It's all about S&M and other extreme stuff that i moved on to.

You know,

the less attention you give those the better. It's just your brain trying to run an old flag up the pole. Smile As long as you don't climax to them, or pump yourself up with them, those brain circuits *will* fade. I know it's hard not to perceive them as "valuable" because the arousal is so dependable, but let them go and eventually other pleasures that *do* lead to climax will take their place.

You're just in an awkward, in-between phase.

Dismiss them instantly using

Dismiss them instantly using a conscious effort to focus your mind and thoughts on something else. Thinking of "drugs" will never do you any good, but will only tempt you more. One thought usually leads to another and if you're not careful your carvings will cause you a relapse.
You should know that ALWAYS, a relapse starts with a single thought which was not dismissed at the appropriate time.

i read somewhere that you

i read somewhere that you should imagine a big red X flash in your minds eye when the flashbacks come. Ive been doing it. It works, however my flashes arent nearly as vivid as yours. i can tell you i "believe" my fantasizing is slowing my reboot (long story short - off the porn but still would fantasize about other women during sex with ridiculously awesome women.)

Red X has been working for

Red X has been working for me , and I laughed the first time I read about it. Others have talked about rubber band on the wrist , Snap. Someone else mentioned shouting his own Name and NO! in his head of course. All these can help when the images flash.

You have done an amazing job breaking your habit, incredible how strong you are!!!

I have another hero ... here.

I'm in the same boat as you man

Ive been watching fetish porn as my only source of orgasm since I was 13. I'm 23 now and am still a virgin. The couple times I tried, I had Ed. I still have flashbacks of porn, but they are not really intense and what I do is imagine the flashback in some water and a rock hitting the surface of the water and te flashback then shakes up and fades away. I have a cuddle buddy and I can see my attraction to making out cuddling slowly come back. I am naturally getting semi boners. Btw I am on day 19 so I think it's gonna get better from here. I would just shoot for the 120 days and keep cuddle buddies around. Now what is the difference between karezza and cuddling/ kissing a girl from head to toe? I've been doing the latter.