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I always knew exactly what the problem was. But i ignored it... I think each of us, way before "YBOP" and way before "Reunited", knew that porn was the problem. But we justified our issue using diferent means. We visited physicians. But the answer was so apparent. it was right in front of our faces the whole time. Well here is my story....

I am currently 28 years old. I started with porn late in College. I wasn't popular but I was social... And i did have quite a few friends. But I was a bit shy when it came to talking to women and porn was easy... it was right there. No need to express myself, just a click of the button and the girl of my dreams was right there. That began the addiction... Late night i would pop in the dvd the PMO began. The addiction grew and grew to where after I graduated I would often masturbate to porn multiple times a day. Sometimes even at work! A young lady was a major part of my life at the time and she eventually became my first sexual partner. The sex was never good and to my shame I actually told her that it was because I "wasnt that attracted to her" I even began to believe it in my own mind. I had ED but I blamed the fact that this woman wasn't that attractive. Deep in my mind I knew porn was the issue but I chose to ignore it. Anyway that all took place between ages 22 - 24. Me and this woman parted ways and I continued with my addiction.

Around the age of 25 another woman entered my life. We began talking on a continuous basis and as time grew she became my everything. I would wake up thinking about her, go to sleep thinking about her, spend all day at work with her on my mind. I was so in love. Eventually we decided to enter a relationship together, but I was scared. I knew that sex would enter into the equation at some point and I knew I had a problem. But still I ignored it! I continued to masturbate daily while looking at porn! So as we tried to introduce sex to our relationship you all know what happened... ED. But this time it hurt, because I was so in love with this woman. i tried to do everything I could... Saw a physician, tried viagra, all to no avail. The problem persisted. she became angry and resentful. Not that I blame her. It was tough to deal with. It was during our relationship that I actually tried to give up PMO. But this was done without knowing about the side effects. When I flatlined I didn't know what the hell was going on, so I ran back to porn. And the addiction continued.

Late last year we broke up. We blamed the break up on many things; lack of communication, anger issues, etc. But I truly believe the real reason was our sex life. It put such a strain on our relationship. This break up happened Dec 2010. It was then that I decided to reboot. At the time I did not know what a reboot was. I had not found YBOP or REUNITED. I just knew I had to stop with the PMO. So my reboot actually began January 1. It was my new years resolution. Now I don't know if many of you are comfortable doing this but i found success by having an accountability partner. And i would suggest the accountability partner be someone who you would never want to disappoint! Mine was MY MOTHER. That's right... I told her about this issue. it was the best decision I ever made. Why? Well because I never wanted to have to tell my mom that I masturbated to porn during the course of the day. I made her promise to check on me every day and she did. It worked well, but it was so tough. That first month was hell! And i I had wet dreams about 2-3 times. I still didnt know the side effects of rebooting but i definitely was depressed and going through withdrawl. I thought about porn all day long. I made it about 2 months before my first relapse. I went out to a club and well seeing all the women made me run home to my pc and I relasped. Afterwards I felt so ashamed. This was at the end of Feb. I started the process again. It was in April that I found YBOP and learned about the rebooting process. It was such a wonderful thing seeing that there were others going through this same thing and I was not alone! I have been porn free since the end of Feb. I had my ups and downs but i maintained.

This past August I had one minor slip. I went to a club again (maybe something about club environments but they cause me to slip.) Anyways afterwards I came home and decided to masturbate. I did it without porn and although I got the release I was looking for it wasn't the same. It was then that I decided to never masturbate again.

I am not sexually active so I am still not convinced that the reboot has worked completely. I do see improvements. I often wake up in the middle of the night now and discover I have morning wood. Last month I was making out with a woman and I did get very hard and I felt as if I ejaculated. After I left her apt I checked my pants and discovered nothing there. Dry ejaculation? maybe... I had a couple wet dreams during the weeks following. Sometimes I question the reboot because I still do not have spontaneous erections throughout the day. I guess i wont really know until I attempt to have sex again. I do know I was very hard with that woman and it was an awesome feeling! But will I have to deal with PE now? Who knows... But no matter what I do know this... I will NEVER MASTURBATE OR WATCH PORN EVER AGAIN! I lost the love of my life because of it and it is simply not worth it!

Gentleman...For those of you who just started this journey I applaud you. Trust me, You can do it! The road does get tough but this website is a god send. Keep at it and don't give up. Thank you Gary and Marnia! Your information helped me beyond measure. If any of you have rebooting questions feel free to ask... Good luck to you all!

hi

Thanks for the post. Question: When you masturbated in August how was the strength of your erection? Did that give you any clues as to your reboot success?

Keep in mind that 28 isn't 15 when it comes to spontaneous erections. There's a significant decline in dopamine signalling from ages 14 to 26.

Another thing. You may never want to masturbate again, but if you choose to, don't think of is at a failure, or relapse, as porn is what caused ED.

Glad things are coming alone.

Thanks for posting your story,

it's inspiring to me. I'm on day 135 of not masturbating. Unfortunately I've looked at porn lately, and your post helped snap me back into reality. I get complacent about rebooting I'm afraid, especially without a woman in my life.

Pretty much.

I live in a very rural area. Online dating has become increasingly repulsive to me. There has seldom been anything I've hated worse in life than the feeling of trying to sell oneself, and when my attempts to contact women online I am only slightly attracted to fail, I become discouraged. So I am looking to life itself to bring me together with my partner. But due to my isolation (geographically as much as socially) this can feel like it's never going to happen. I did however "randomly" meet a kindred soul while hiking recently, and I have a feeling he will connect me to quite an extensive social network. It feels like one of those destiny connections and I have the sense that thru him I may well meet the woman I will be with. Thank God I have not actually masturbated yet but I know looking at porn is very counter-productive to my reboot. I need to get passionate about rebooting because right now I am lukewarm, hence the porn viewing slip ups.

As you know,

porn is likely to be more of a "boat-rocker" to your inner equilibrium than masturbation. *fingers crossed* about the new social connection.

My boat has been rocked this afternoon

as I unfortunately found a porn actress who pretty much fulfills every fantasy I have; she also seems to be one of the most prolific actresses ever, and I am overwhelmed with all the videos she has made, which I have been going thru. My legs feel shaky. Rationally I know there is nothing good in this for me, but this is not a rational process. More and more I understand it is the thrill of surges of dopamine I am seeking thru this. I feel that I am really being tested and tempted right now- the question is, can I overcome porn for the sake of my own wellbeing? That would be preferable to the scenario where I stop looking at porn when I meet a new woman; the latter is an inherently weaker level of abstinence which could be much more easily upset. Having the faith that I will meet someone is a challenge for me now; and with my apparent dopamine stimulation cravings porn is such an easy "solution". Having this community to come to is a singular saving grace for me, thank you to everyone for being here and inspiring me to do better.

I remember last time i was here,

there was a lad who on his first few days of PMO realised his all time favourite actress was doing her first time ever POV. I don't know what happened to him, but if he gave in, he would have regretted it later...Sadly i have been in the same position to with my 'favourite', but ultimately it is just an illusion, you only have one life, you have to conquer this now so you can have all that fun for real, not just watching forever and ever and ever....at least thats how i feel right now.

I remember something Gary said,

porn is like looking at a picture of food in a magazine rather than having the meal itself. That's how I feel looking at this woman onscreen- she's beautiful but she's 2 dimensional and I cannot see her 3 dimensionally here with me or touch her; so it's kind of like being taunted or severely deprived of the real thing.

Ironically

The very ones we want to fck are the ones that got us to this state...they dont care, they keep smiling, making their money and getting laid. It's guys like you and i that suffer...I'm not against porn, but its the same as alcohol. Once you have a problem, there's no point talking yourself out of the fact that you have one (problem).

Telepathy,

I suggest you stop. Now. Whatever theory you're using to give yourself permission simply doesn't hold water. Trust me.

*big hug* [hamster]

Hello Gary, When I

Hello Gary,

When I masturbated in August the erection was extremely strong and I had a very large orgasm. The reason why I don't want to masturnate again is because I feel as if porn and masturbation go hand in hand with me. When I do one I crave the other. I feel for myself i definitely need to abstain from both. I'm sure there are many out there who can do masturbating without porn but I'm uncertain that I am that strong.

Telepathy,

I believe it is a constant struggle and I can feel myself getting complacent at times too. Even now when I'm alone I still feel the urge, but when I do I think about all the pain porn has caused me. That usually helps me gather my thoughts and focus on my goal of abstaining from porn for life. At the moment I don't have a woman either and yes it is difficult. But the way I see it, I am preparing myself for when she does come into my life. Whenever she arrives I'll be ready. I think if you look at it that way it could help. Good luck!

Thank you

for sharing your story. Very impressive that you undertook this alone. I admire your courage and determination.

Any chance that your ex would give things another try? If not, isn't it about time to start dating again? Or are you unwilling to set foot in a club? Wink

Good idea getting your mom's support. We've just created a FAQ about involving parents, for those who have supportive parents: http://yourbrainonporn.com/how-do-i-talk-to-my-parents-about-this

Doesn't sound like you need a blog, but you're enabled anyway. Hope to hear about your next romance soon. Hint, hint. Smile

Hi Marnia, My ex and I are

Hi Marnia,

My ex and I are actually rconnecting. We talk or text briefly every day. I still have not shared my rebooting experience with her. We haven'tt had any in depth conversations at this point. I am interested in dating again. I tried to briefly in late August but the woman I dated wasn't really interesting to me. And besides that, I couldn't ge the ex out of my mind. I have never loved anyone the way I loved my ex. Not sure if I ever will again either.

Getting my mother's support was essential during this process. I really believe that's when the break through happened for me. It was very uncomfortable to talk about at first but knowing that I still had someone who loved me unconditionally despite of this addiction made all the difference in the world. She was very good about calling and texting daily to ask about my progress. I think that may be something you want to promote to those rebooting. Even if it's not a parent, accountability partners are great!

I will certainly keep you updated as I proceed with my next romance. I'm not really sure what is next for me but I certainly feel more prepared for it than I have at any time in the past few years. Thanks again for all the info you provided on this site. It really has worked wonders in my life.

Well, it sounds like

you have little to lose by leveling with her. I'm sure it will be very good for her bruised self-esteem to know what you were struggling with - and that it wasn't her. She's likely to think more of you rather than less. And who knows? :)

You're right about accountability partners, but I can't see how we could really set that up. Any ideas?

My thought is that people need someone they can trust, who knows them personally. But, certainly, forum members can set up something with each other if they feel inclined.