I am new to the forum and stumbled upon it whilst searching for a support group for the partners of sex addicts. All the other sites requires me to pay subscription fees in order to partake in the forums. I am hoping that talking to you guys might help...
I met my husband on a well known mobile chat site (Mxit) in 2006. Everything between us was so special and he treated me with the utmost respect from the word go. Never was sex chat or porn or anything like that mentioned. He never even attempted to do such things with me. As far as I was concerned we had the perfect relationship. In Oct 2006 we moved in together and then suddenly things started to change. My kids were nothing more than an irritation to him and it compelled me to move out. He begged and pleaded to such an extend that I took him back after just 3 weeks even though I did not move back in with him. I started noticing a severe change in our sex life at this stage and his explanation was that he was tired from having to drive 2hours daily to and from work (which was also the case in the beginning and never seemed to have that effect).
Soon after we reconciled I was alone at home one Saturday and he had accidentally left his work cell phone in my room. I heard an mms coming through and suddenly I had to check...something I never do. What I saw shocked me to such an extend that I was physically grasping for air. It was a picture of some girls genitals. On further investigation I realized that he had been sending and receiving such images to and from a number of different women - all mxit contacts. I confronted him and his answer was that it started when we were separated and that he was feeling rejected and alone. According to him he was trying to stop but the woman would not let go. I believed him and forgave him and never looked back.
In 2007 he urged me to resign my job of 17 years and move with him closer to his workplace as this would supposedly help our relationship in that he would be so tired all the time...So I did and we got married in 2008. Just before the wedding I had a miscarriage and he was so considerate and took such good care of me.Having no job and no where to turn to I was totally reliant on him. Our sex life was virtually non existent after this and he gave excuses like hes tired, the bedroom door has no key, theres no bathroom in the bedroom etc.
I begged and pleaded for him to open up to me and tell me what he wanted and needed or at least to recognize the fact that something was wrong. He reacted very defensively and accused me of only being with him for sex. Him working away from home further complicated things as he tended to ignore me when he was away. I tried to spice up things by videotaping myself stripping etc and sending it to him he never even acknowledged me sending it. I tried to entice him into sex chats with me but he refused saying that it was cheap and filthy.
Last year I accidentally found porn in his cupboard. When confronting him he explained that it was old stuff that he just never got rid of. Again I believed him. In the meantime we started a company together and was working very nicely together as we make a great team...our sex life however never recovered. About 6 weeks ago I had had enough and I moved out of our bedroom. At once he came out with everything..
He confessed to being addicted to porn and to watching it every chance he gets. Masturbating daily and having had sex chats for the entire duration of our relationship.It felt like our entire relationship had been one big lie. I acted emotionally and told him to leave which he did. He soon started begging and pleading again for another chance. I seriously do not know what to do. He says he is seeking help and that he does not want to loose me. Apparently he is willing to do anything to win this.
I am so unsure of what to do. I really and truly love the man but I do not want to wake up in 10 years finding myself broken and used up. I also do not want to check on him. I HATE these feelings I am having now. I used to be a strong, well motivated person. This is killing me.
Do any of you have real concrete advice????