How to reboot your brain while in a relationship

Submitted by AkumbaM83 on
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Hello I'm new to the site seeking some help. I feel so lost and confused. I got a lot of info from Yourbrainonporn site and I do believe that is my problem. I've been with my gf for 6 months now and I love her more than anything, I have desire to be with her and I want to stay with her. She is VERY sexually active, but I need to abstain from orgasm to rewire my brain. We went a week and things were seemingly AMAZING but tonight it went bad I couldn't keep an erection at all! It was terrible. I noticed I could get erections from thoughts and fantasies of just her and just her touching me, but I think I jumped the gun way to soon. My gf thinks this is insane and just doesn't get it. I've shown her the stuff on the site and what not, and she finally became ok but is still skeptical.

I'm at a loss and need help. How do I get better, but maintain my relationship? The first week we had sex but I didn't orgasm. I wanted to! but I didn't. Is this bad for rewiring? Having sex is a big thing for us, we have a strong connection, its more than just having sex to us.


First, it's normal for libido to bounce around at first, and even for it to temporarily decrease. See these two FAQs:

Would she be willing to take a really gentle approach to intimacy for a bit to give your brain a chance to rebalance?

Start your own blog if you like.

thanks so much for the fast

thanks so much for the fast response. I should through in there a lil more background info. I stopped all porn use when we became official after the first time we had sex. before I was masturbating 3-4 times a day EVERY DAY it was terrible. I went straight from that into the relationship and me and her were having sex like crazy all the time multiple times a day, then suddenly it just happened. I starting feeling no desire for sex, but in my mind and in my heart I know i wanted her. I didnt look at other women the same, my libido was just shot, this has been going on for about 2 months now, It wasnt up until last week when I decided to go as long as I could with out orgasm. But tonight we did and i wasnt even fully erect! but the other times during the week we had amazing sex like we always had and it felt amazing, I felt normal! but today just was terrible. I feel like i may have set myself back by having an orgasm so soon.

to clarify -

Are you saying that you haven't watched porn for 6 months, yet your erection problems started 2 months ago? And that you were having succesful sex and hard erections for the first 4 months of the relationship?

yes, I've seen a urologist

yes, I've seen a urologist and I'm healthy, So I know it isn't a physical thing. I have all the symptoms of needing a reboot. The third month is when things started to decline down hill and I lost all sex drive and started having the ED problems

You know the real

culprit in desensitization is dopamine dysregulation resulting from overstimulation, right? Internet porn is the way most guys today are "achieving" this overstimulation, but it's not the only way. Too much sexual stimulation is also possible between partners. (Watching porn together, using sex toys, engaging in too much hot foreplay, etc. The greater the neurochemical build up before orgasm, the bigger the drop off afterward. Eventually, some brains try to protect themselves by down regulating their dopamine response.) Result? Decline in sexual responsiveness. This is what our book Cupid's Poisoned Arrow is about in fact.

It's easy enough to reverse. You just have to take your foot (and her foot) off the accelerator for a bit and allow your brains to return to full sensitivity. Take a time out and switch to daily bonding behaviors for a week or two. Or even master karezza. [hamster] Information on bonding behaviors:

you are a good person thank

you are a good person thank you for your advice and help. Me and my girlfriend are very intimate VERY and we have always been. I don't understand why my Libido just crashed so much, I'm starting to doubt it even being porn related any more because I truly did stop it when we started dating 6 months ago! I love her and in my mind and in my heart I want her more than anything, but it's like my body wont respond and I'm going insane. We JUST had a bad fall out over this. I just want my libido back I'm so lost confused and desperate. If i don't get right I'm afraid I'm going to lose everything

If she loves you

then she will understand. Suppose she didn't want to make love on her period. Wouldn't you be understanding?

Would she be willing to back up and try a three-week program that calls for no intercourse for the first two weeks (but nightly playful, affectionate activities)?

You two really need another way of relating for when performance is not an option. It'll come in handy from time to time throughout your lives. Sex is way more than a hard penis.