Perpetual celibates: The men who suffer the most

Submitted by Love Gnosis on
Printer-friendly version

Perpetual celibates (also known as involuntary celibates, incels, or love-shys) are those who suffer the worst from today's dating game, and need to be helped.

The Incel Project:-

I think men (such as myself) who suffer from mild to moderate forms of shyness (moreso in group situations of unfamiliarity) or fear of intimacy or lack of non-verbal communication or lack of confidence/decisiveness, etc are often ridiculed in our society.

One of the biggest lies out there (for people looking to find a relationship mate) is the oft-touted advice of "be yourself". Sadly, this doesn't apply to a lot of people - and often you are pressured to change your self in order to shift towards the cultural demands of the majority of the society, and particularly in the preferences of women. While involuntary celibacy does mostly affect men, it also does affect some women too - and that is explored in the videos above.

The good news

is that the social skills that appeal to others often turn out to be skills that make your life happier, too. So don't be afraid to learn new social skills. They don't change who you really are.

What do you find most useful at that link?

This was me before the

This was me before the reboot. Still not very good at flirting! Luckily I managed to pass a lot of it off as being mysterious or an asshole...only works for a certain amount of time though. Too many people suffering from bad social skills in our oversexed, overstimulated society.


"Ok, I am writing this partly to get it off my chest and partly so that others in the same position as me may find it one day and realise that they're not totally alone and that others suffer too. I also write this as a warning to others, so that they may not become what I have become. Apologies if it is too long!

Ok here goes, me, and being an incel.

From as far back as I can remember I have never been able to get a girlfriend. From the early days of primary school right up to where I am now, 29 and full time employed. I cannot understand it, I feel as though I am being punished for something by God, something that I've done which is so horrible that it carries a sentence of being alone and depressed for the rest of my life...

I grew up in a small town, when I was in primary school I was always the class clown, the girls all liked me..I always made them laugh...but I always seemed to fall head over heels for girls and then be devastated when they rejected me. Maybe this was the start of it all, way back in those pre-teen years...maybe that's the root of the problem which has to date ruined my life and destroyed my youth...

When I progressed to high school, my mum was a teacher there which I know put a lot of girls off, as she was also known as being quite strict, although I don't think she was like this at home (however my parents are divorced and she did used to hit me as a small kid so maybe that has a bearing?? I don't know!). Anyway, to make matters worse there were hardly any decent looking girls at high school, so I remained single throughout high school, hoping that moving away and going to college or uni would be an end to it...

I was wrong. I found myself in amongst a class of people who were all coupled up, and the single ones were not interested in going out to meet anybody. However I did eventually get out to clubs quite a bit, but found myself completely incapable of approaching girls and talking to them, let alone trying to pull them. Maybe this was to do with my rather sheltered life up to the age of 18 in that small town that shall remain nameless...

To make things worse, the first ever "date” I went on in college was one which one of my female friends set up for me...and after a bit of kissing and dancing she then refused to go out with me again, claiming I was "just a snog” (passionate kissing with tounges to my U.S friends reading this!) .

And so there we have it.things remained like this for me for the duration of the 2 year college course. 21, a virgin and never had a girlfriend. My self esteem was low to say the least...

I left college and worked in a shop for a year, I met a girl there, she dumped me after 2 dates, but what made it worse was that all my friends and been coupled up for years by now, and my social group was all couples and so new single girls never entered the scene. It became impossible to meet anyone...

I decided to go to university to study marketing, and despite being in a class which was predominantly guessed success! Why? I don't know...I think by now I was displaying signs of being "needy” which women hate, although I desperately try to cover these up. Anyway, I fell again for a girl who was also a friend, and stunningly attractive (To put you in the picture and to give you an idea of why I'm not a typical incel, I must confess I am not shy, ugly or overweight, too skinny etc etc...I take great care with my looks...go to the gym regularly and dress well). All the seeds were there, but she chose to tease me for a year and make me look like a fool. She broke my heart. I wasn't getting anywhere outside of this relationship either...constant rejection and girls just seemed to ignore me!!

So what's a guy to do?? By this time I was 26, had never had proper sex nor a steady girlfriend. To make things worse I had to move back to my mums due to lack of funds for 7 months, before moving away to pursue a "career”. So that brings me to where I am to date...29 and full time employed...maybe I am too fussy, I have turned down offers from girls who I wasn't the least bit interested in...should I have said yes?? Gone with someone I didn't even find attractive for fear of being alone?? This doesn't seem right...

In the last two years I have been ignored, dumped, rejected, cheated on, teased, used and verbally abused by girls who I've been attracted to. All I have ever tried to do was just make them laugh and make myself good company to be around. But no. Nothing. Absolutely zip. As all my friends get mortgages, move in together, or settle down to long term relationships, I realise I am once again completely alone, sexually inexperienced and rapidly approaching 30...

I have nobody to share anything with. Nobody gives a shit about me or my situation. They laugh at me, I am a laughing stock. I have developed severe depression. I have become paranoid, anxious, selfish, eccentric, bitter and cynical of everything. I cannot remember the last time I genuinely laughed. I have become irritable, I rant about things which a guy of my age shouldn't be bothered about. I become easily annoyed at people which can easily turn to hatred...right now as I am typing this there's someone outside my office talking, he's distracting me, I want to go and put his head through the wall, even although I am not and never have been a violent person. I feel so alone, useless, helpless and utterly hopeless...I have exhausted all possibilities. I cannot see an end to this. I have seriously contemplated suicide, although have come to the conclusion that I could never be that selfish as it would hurt my parents too badly. I feel as though I am living my life in some sort of pain amplifier, except the pain amplifier is me, my body is the room or the shell. I cannot express my feelings. I have become so ill and battle scarred that it will now be impossible to form any kind of relationship, as no woman will have me like this...

You see, being an incel sucks, I feel broken and abused, I need love to heal, but love will never find its way to me in this state. I feel trapped and I can't get out. I am full of hate. I think what I used to be like as a kid, playing and laughing and behind closed doors when I'm alone it makes me cry. I hate myself as much as others...

I cannot describe the feeling of losing my late teens and twenties and having missed out on so much....even 18 to 21 yr olds aren't interested in me, I've lost that. My life has been trashed by forces outside my control. To make things worse society is now anti-male, as a man I am simply not allowed to express my feelings or seek help or understanding in the way that women are. Hence the reason I have turned to the internet. Not thinking that anyone may be able to help me, as "taking up night classes” or "a new hobby” simply isn't going to work at this late stage...I am writing this for the benefit of others.

So to anybody reading this, the moral of my story help...don't become like me....please..."

There are lots of men out there. Many who don't have a problem with physical attraction, and who are not neccessarily "shy" - but have serious problems attracting the women that THEY find interesting. They also get defensive when they are offered advice on how to change their behaviour, because they think "why should I change my behaviour for somebody else's arbitrary demands for chemistry?".

There are alot of disenfranchised men out there

Hordes of sexually frustrated, angry males running around below the radar; this will end well.

I think its more complicated than just arming guys with better social skills too. Chronic low self esteem seems to be endemic not to mention the huge split between the sexes & how thats affected the family.
What if the 'cultural demands' are sick & unworthy in the first place?

& I think ridicule is too light a description- loser is a more accurate term because what does society value above almost everything else right now? Sex appeal, sex conquest, sex sex sex sex sex sex sex.

Probably over thinking this though, the subject is close to my heart.

Focus on your underlying

Focus on your underlying passion I sense. What is making you put women on a pedestal where they offer something you want and you offer nothing they want?

What would losing your virginity do for you? Is that what you really want or is it the other relational aspects that you are linking to losing your virginity? These don’t inherently go together. Focusing on what you really want and being sure you include sex in its right place for you might alter how you are perceived by women. At least you will come across as more genuine.

You too, eh?

[quote=Love Gnosis]I have turned down offers from girls who I wasn't the least bit interested in...should I have said yes?? Gone with someone I didn't even find attractive for fear of being alone?? This doesn't seem right...[/quote]

It isn't. I have turned down more offers than I can count, and I'm glad I have...none of those guys were right for me, and I would have been miserable with them!

I speak from experience when I say it's not a good idea to get involved with someone you're not attracted to, either. Yes, compatibility is important, but it's better to wake up alone than to wake up next to someone who makes you cringe.

BTW, all this stuff happens to women, too. I can relate to most of your post!

Thanks for sharing your distress

I've heard other men here recommend this book to people who are stuck where you are. And I have seen it turn men around and snap them out of their sense of victimhood and entitlement. So read it and see what you think. I think there's counseling available through the author's website, too.

Let us know what you think when you have read it. I think you're ready for a breakthrough.

*big hug*

Love Gnosis, "I cannot

Love Gnosis,

"I cannot remember the last time I genuinely laughed." <-- With all respect, Gnosis, that may be your problem. I don't mean to sound harsh, I honestly really don't, but I think you're perpetuating this problem yourself. That's good news, though, it means you can change it.

I've been where you're at. All those feelings you were describing, man, I've been there. There was about a 4 year period where I was trapped in the same mental condition that you are, and you're right, it feels like a trap and that you're going to be there forever. You start to wonder what's wrong with you inside that makes you feel so miserable, and you lash out at the people that love you the most. Irritability is the new normal, and you'd rather stick a pin in your eye than get rejected or used by another girl. Life is a daily, sometimes hourly, struggle. Trust me man, I've been there.

But I've come back from it, and so can you. You just need to start looking at things in a different way, and you'll probably have to fake it at first. Nothing will change overnight, but I promise that if you just make a few changes, you'll see at least some positive impact in your life. I'm telling you this is what worked for me - I honestly feel like I was in the same depression as you, and that I beat it. No drugs, no breakdowns, just a genuine and sincere effort to not let it ruin the rest of my life. You owe it to yourself to at least try, it sounds like you can't feel much worse.

First, I would say to that you should take a step back and think for just a moment about one thing you are grateful in your life for. Do it now. Think of one thing, even for just a moment, about something in your life that someone else might want. I heard once that good health is a crown that only a sick man can see - are you healthy? In this economy, are you not happy that you have a job? You mentioned your parents would be devastated to lose you - imagine if you lost them? This is just a small, but so powerful, shift in your thinking that you can start small and work on everyday. Remind yourself occasionally to think of one thing to be grateful for. Soon, you'll start finding a lot more reasons to feel grateful than you might expect.

Second, don't try to live up to the image of what other people are doing, or use that as a yardstick for your own life. So a bunch of your friends are getting married, mortgages, and kids - that's great! It's not always picture perfect, though. Marriages end, or worse yet, spouses cheat. Just because someone leads a different life than you doesn't mean it's better or worse. I know lots of married friends that wish they had put in a few more years with such little responsibility and had fun.

Seriously man, 30 is the new 20. If you have a good job and can afford to go out and travel, dine expensively, and be accountable only to yourself - DO IT! Enjoy it, single people are allowed to have fun too! Fill you your schedule with as many things that interest you as possible, and I gaurentee you will accidentally find someone when you're not looking. Fill your schedule with so much stuff that you won't even have time to date someone. It makes you a lot more interesting person because you have something to talk about, you won't be full of this negative energy because you won't have time for it, and people are attracted to people who have fun and interesting lives.

Third; hit the gym. Daily. Step your diet up and start getting into the best physical shape of your life. This is so beneficial to beating this that I would encourage you to start ASAP, I wish I had started it much sooner than I did. First, the endorphins released into your body after a workout can last up to 16hrs, and I promise that is a much more effective and healthy anti-depressant than anything you're going to find at the pharmacy. After a little while, you'll start to notice (as will girls) a more attractive body and you'll start to feel better about yourself. Set fitness goals and surpass them, they do wonders for your confidence and self-esteem. It's also a great environment to just be around new people without necessarily having to talk to anyone. If you don't feel like you want to work out in a gym, start doing the P90x workout. It'll take an hour of your time every day, you'll get healthier faster, and you'll feel fantastic doing it. After all, a healthy mind needs a healthy body, right?

The fourth piece of advice I would offer is to try your best to stay positive and know that you can get out of this. It won't take a day, or even a month, but if you work at it daily you will succeed. It might be hard at first, so try faking it. Really. Try faking being happy, and just see if that has any positive impact on your life. Try to watch the words that come out of your mouth - use positive and uplifting words. Don't say "I feel like shit today," say "I'm going to try some ways to make myself feel better right now" or "What would honestly make me feel better?" Try to live in the moment whenever possible, not the future or the past.

I hope none of this comes off rude or harsh, I honestly don't mean it to be. I sincerely wish for you to feel better. I feel like I've been there and that these are the things that helped bring me back to shore, it would be inhuman of me not to share them with you.

Good luck!


Bittle's post and how to improve your well being

Damn, people are awesome here!

Love Gnosis, I think there is nothing to add to Brittle's post. It sounds like you have tried everything else, why not follow Brittle's instructions step by step. I have a feeling his advice could have a tremendeously positive impact on your life. After all, he seems to know what he is talking about from first hand experience!

All the best to you, my friend!

The truth...

is that the world will never conform to us. The good news is that if you dont paint the whole world with the same paint brush I think you would find that there is plenty of room for you to be happy in it. Some women are shallow and cold hearted, so are some men. There is someone ( many in fact ) out there that could find love in your eyes. Do you have some work to do on yourself? Absolutely, but with a desire to improve your life and a mind open to the possibilities most all problems can be overcome. You are your own master, its time for you to take the reins and change the course your on. I understand your feelings and dont mean to criticise but calling the world cruel and admitting defeat is like locking yourself in a cell and throwing away the key.

Continuous effort - not strength or intelligence - is the key to unlocking our potential.
Winston Churchill

sorry you feel that way.

sorry you feel that way. Many of us find ourselves single at inconvenient times in our lives. It is up to us to go out and change the situation.
Would really recommend reading Brittle's post above closely, as there is a lot of good advice there.
In fact I am following a lot of it myself !

That title alone

I skimmed that very cursorily. Notice that the title alone suggests the disturbance of the norm versus the actual typical. If you move the normal target, no typical person is normal.

There will always be introverts and extroverts are partially introverts, but neither is shy. Humans can more readily be sold what they think they need. Focusing on the external solutions to what is wrong with humans and then offering a cure is one way of pushing. The problem is that these products and services often mask the root problems on an individual and societal level and perhaps deepen and broaden those problems to draw in those previously not within the claws. It's the black hole model. Have you noticed how many pharmacies exist in the US versus the rest of the world?

To some extent, I think

To some extent, I think there is truth to the core argument that the pharma industry and the (American) psychiatry profession have worked together to encourage treatment of patients with "shyness", which would not have been treated in the past.

However, I don't think anyone here has suggested that "shyness" is a disorder that needs to be treated. 30-40% of the population are introverts by Jung's definition, so "shy" people are not alone. But the majority of the population is extroverted, and introverted people may be at a slight disadvantage in two areas of life: in organizations, particularly companies, and in dating. In companies, introverts often leave money on the table in their careers, because they are not aware of their value, are not up to speed on gossip, or because they are not known by clients/managers/senior management. Similarly, introverts may find dating difficult once they leave high school/college (where there are many opportunities to meet potential romantic partners with ease). It makes sense therefore to practice some of the social skills that come naturally to extroverts: making quick introductions, asking questions, looking for ways to establish rapport.

Personal development isn't

Personal development isn't what is being sold by big-pharma and psychiatrists. Personal development is ancient. Some would argue that some shyness is needed as conquering nervous energy is empowering. Who'd want to run blindly into a lions' den?

It's a Freudian world. Jung might be horrified. Shyness is highly valued in other cultures. There's nothing inherently positive or negative about shyness. The negative is when a culture forces others by judgment, shame, pharmaceuticals, economics, or other means to reject their true self. The non-shy folks, however one wants to define that, are not helping the situation.

While some introverts are disadvantaged financially, I doubt as a whole they are any worse off. Much of the technology sector wealth has gone to introverts. As for dating, I'd venture that introverts are at least as satisfied when they find a partner. Also, Jung wouldn't define anyone as absolutely extroverted or introverted. We all exhibit both qualities and very extroverted people can be shier than introverts in certain situations. Introverts can be bold and strong in contexts in which they are comfortable. It could be that more extroverts are truly shy than introverts.

Thank you for the link. I am

Thank you for the link. I am shy too, but as Morrissey tells us: "Shyness is nice and. Shyness can stop you. From doing all the things in life. You'd like to. " I am heading out to a club I joined recently, but will read the WSJ article when I get back.

Have you tried the ideas

in the video on this page?

Honestly, I think you'll be more attractive to potential mates if you focus on the suggestions he talks about than if you focus on reasons to feel like a victim. This is a tough planet, and anyone on it has my sympathy, but getting your head in the right (balanced) space to enjoy your time here (as much of the time as possible) is the ultimate victory.

What can you do to make this shift?


Funny...every time I have ever approached a man, I've been shot down cold...and usually pretty nastily, too. That's why I don't do it anymore.

Guys: if you want women to approach you, BE NICE when turning us down, and ask your friends to do the same.