FAQs about Peace Between the Sheets

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NOTE: Also visit this page if you have questions about the actual practice of controlled intercourse.

What is Peace Between the Sheets about?

couple reading Peace Between the Sheets in bed together
It's a clear, accurate explanation of why relationships that start out with so much potential often end up in frustration, miscommunication and hurt feelings. Peace offers a solution: making love differently.

What do you mean "making love differently?"

The solution I propose has been around for thousands of years, at least since the time of the ancient Chinese Taoists. Basically, the key is to avoid over-stimulation of the pleasure/reward center in the primitive brain - which means avoiding fertilization-driven/"peak" orgasm in favor of more relaxed approach to lovemaking.

Conventional orgasm sets off a hidden cycle of over stimulation and stressful recovery (a "hangover") in our relationships. We see it immediately in a one-night stand, but in more loving relationships it tends to occur over time, which I call the "acid rain" effect. The spark burns out of a relationship, leaving an empty shell and usually much resentment. I believe this explains why "Sexless marriages are an epidemic," according to Oprah's Dr. Phil.

Are you saying there's a problem with sex?

Yes, if harmonious relationship is your goal, you can't just "do what comes naturally" in the bedroom. Look at the praying mantis. The female bites the head off of the male when they mate. This is totally normal, and meets biology's objective of ensuring that he delivers his sperm, but it makes for very short relationships.

Biology's has two basic goals for our relationships: pregnancies (more genes passed on) and changing partners (more genetic variety). In relationships this translates into "hot" followed by "hangover" which leads to separation. (Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee, Billy Bob and Angelina.)

Biology doesn't give a fig about companionship, harmony or fidelity. So it puts stress on our relationships just to meet its goals. And it's all happening in our brains, not our genitals. That's where we need to reprogram.

What exactly does your program propose?

It has two elements. First, there's a transition period with lots of physical affection but no intercourse. Second, lovers re-pattern their response to sexual arousal using deliberate, planned intercourse - so biology doesn't grab the reins again.

Peace includes three weeks of activities for couples to do together as they reprogram. The emphasis is on unselfishness - which has powerful rewards. For example, care-giving primate parents in each species live longest, whether male or female. Nurturing another benefits the giver. Have a look at "Testamonials," to see how satisfying this can be for both partners.

How can avoiding orgasm heal?

It's actually avoiding the cycle of highs and lows that heals. Sexual hangovers lead to:

  • fear of getting closer,
  • irritability,
  • exhaustion,
  • naggy/needy behavior,
  • insatiable sexual hunger (while partner feels devoured, used selfishly like a "fix"), and
  • sexual unresponsiveness (while partner feels frustrated, unloved-and, often, unfaithful)

These hangovers are stressful. We become defensive, grim, ill - and pull away from each other on some level. By avoiding these hangovers lovers experience:

  • solid/supportive relationships,
  • improved immunity to disease,
  • decreased cravings/can drop addictions,
  • less drama (greater harmony),
  • lighthearted closeness,
  • optimism, sense that "all is right with the world," and
  • reliable mutual attraction - not just based on a physical addiction

How do you suppress orgasm?

You don't. You tiptoe around it, as you gradually lay down a new neural response to sexual arousal. If you're having to "suppress" it, you're going too close to the edge.

Why would anyone want to learn this?

To preserve and deepen relationships. We can choose to protect our relationships instead of letting biology seduce us into bringing out the worst in each other - and then splitting up...or stagnating in misery.

To get the health benefits - 70 million Americans now suffer from Syndrome X, which is due to stress. Healthy intimacy is proven to be one of the best protections against illness and premature death. (It's a bigger factor than exercise, improved diet, genetic make-up, drugs, surgery, or stopping smoking, according to Dean Ornish, MD.)

Is this book for everyone?

It's designed for anyone who is tired of relationship chaos. That's a lot of us. For example, the Census Bureau predicted in 2002 that one of every two marriages now occurring will end in divorce. In fact, the divorce rate quadrupled in just 40 years, and now the percentage of folks who never marry is rising sharply. Relaxed social/religious mores, combined with what we've believed was a healthy focus on hot sex, account for this trend - given our biological design.

Happier couples can also use the book's ideas to tap the hidden potential in their relationship to:

  • heal each other of the effects of stress,
  • help overcome addictions,
  • decrease bickering, increase laughter,
  • gain energy,
  • improve immunity, longevity, and
  • heighten spiritual awareness.

You're competing against books that insist "the more the better" when it comes to orgasm.

Biology has us deeply hypnotized. We're like drunks who hope that if we just stay drunk, we can avoid the pain of our hangovers.

But our bodies actually prefer exuberant equilibrium - not intense highs and lows. Eventually over stimulation catches up with us - hence the grim marriage statistics now that there's less social stigma attached to divorce.

Too much dopamine (the neurochemical behind sexual arousal and all addiction) eventually leads to shutdown or illness. Schizophrenia, sexual fetishes, sexual addiction, and nerve damage in cocaine users, are all linked to high levels of dopamine. Too much of a good thing is not necessarily better.

What do you hope to achieve by writing this book?

  • Restore people's optimism about intimate relationships
  • Empower them to recover from addictions, chronic depression and other stress-related illness
  • Show them how to rediscover, or preserve, the lighthearted harmony and mutual attraction of their early romances
  • Help them forgive past lovers, and release resentments. The problem isn't us, it's our biological programming - and there is a way around it

What caused you to write this book?

An especially wonderful relationship that turned weird soon after sex entered the picture - every time. I knew from experience that this was not unusual. And that the usual solutions: better communication, more passion, negotiating, or just trying to ignore the problem, weren't working.

The more I learned about ancient traditions that linked this very "attraction/pull away" dynamic to conventional orgasm, AND the more I learned about the neurochemistry of the brain, the more obvious the problem - and solution - became. Those ancients were smarter than modern sexologists.

Also, my husband and I both have experienced noticeable healing from this approach. For me no more urinary tract infection or yeast infection. For him no more alcoholism or depression. And we enjoyed learning it.

How can avoiding orgasm heighten spiritual awareness?

Orgasm promotes addictive behavior, fear that we won't get what we think we need - and therefore selfishness. We behave as stupidly as former President Clinton. And then we get back what we have given out.

Spiritual progress is dependent upon unselfishness, "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." As you regain and strengthen your inner equilibrium with this practice you feel a natural sense of abundance and courage. It's easier and easier to make sound decisions in all areas of your life.

The good karma you earn also comes back to you. Finally, inner calm lets you align more easily with Divine will and your life flows more smoothly.