HOCD, internalized homophobia or denial? Please help me... [1]

Hi. I have been going through a lot in the last few months. I dont know if im suffering from HOCD, internalized homophobia or denial. I will give you a brief history:

As a child/teenager, I have has several same sex experiences. Although I felt very bad about it afterwards, I cant get over the fact that I did have same sex experiences. Also, during my teen years (for 6 years), I masturbated to gay porn and had gay fantasies about guys I new. I honestly think that I suffered from HOCD from a very young age, but then again, maybe i didnt. I can remember always checking to see if I was walking, talking, sounding gay and if people could see through me and know/think that im gay. The fact that I have masturbated many times over guys that I know scares me, because its not only watching gay porn, but actually masturbating to people that I knew!!! OMG! But i feel like the people i masturbated to are the people that I wanted to be like. I always had extreme low self esteem and I always felt like every other guy was better looking than me. The sad part is that at most times, I did enjoy these experiences/masturbation! (although I stopped enjoying them for 4 months now).

No at 18, when I look back, I feel sooooooo depressed. I keep researching on the internet about HOCD and internalized homophobia to see which one I am. I dont want to be gay.... really. I dont have anything against gay people, but I just dont want to be gay. I am constantly checking to see if i am acting a gay way as i think that people are constantly analysing me. I also look at gay porn and straight porn (which I really like ) to test and see which one gets me more aroused. Sadly, I sometimes feel like the gay porn gets me more aroused, which leads to my axiety attacks. Please help me guys, I dont know what to do. I want to let go of my past and start afresh, but my mind is continuously looking at my past same sex experiences and gay fantises and masturbation to conclude that im gay.

Also, i must note that i love girls. I really really do. I have had dozens of girl crushes growing up and about 11 girlfriends which i loved a lot. However, I have also had a very low self esteem, and feel like im not good enough for them. This is perhaps why some girls intimidate me. Also, I feel like evn though i really want to get married and have kids, I wont be able to because i minght not be about to have erections for women. This is killing me.... i dont know what to do.

I can never see myself being in a relationship with a man, never. I also don t think that i want to act on the many gay thoughts that come into my head, although my mind keeps telling me that you want it. I dont know what to do anymore. I feel like my past is holding me back.

A few days ago, i went to a party and got with a girl that i found really attractive. However, my mind kept telling me that im lying to myself and that i dont like girls. but i know this is a lie because i have had many girlfriends and enjoyed my relationships, i really did. I got soo anxious that i was unable to get an erection for the girl, which is something i really wanted. The lead me to conclude that i am gay.

I am constantly looking around for reassurances... constantly. Sometimes i feel like i do have HOCD, and other I feel like im gay and in denial. Yesterday, i looked at gay and straight porn to see my arousal levels. Although i do like straight porn, it seemed like gay porn aroused me more. I ended up masturbating to it and spent the night in tears, feeling utterly depressed.

Does it mean something that during my teen years, i mostly masturbated to gay porn and i liked it at times? I feel like this means im gay. Sometimes I think im bi, but it doesnt sit well with me. It really doesnt. I feel like all i want is to be with a women. There are times when i see a really hot girl and im like 'wow'. But my mind says that 'you're gay and you dont like women.' This kills me... it honestly does. Now it seems like if i think of my past, i was more sexually attracted to boys in my school than to girls. I dont know if its true, but its killing me.

So, what do you think i have? HOCD or internalized homophobia? I would love your honest opinion because I dont know what to think anymore. These last few months have really been hard. I like to think that its because of my low self esteem that has resulted in me starting to wank to gay porn in my teen years as i felt that i wasnt good enough for women. I have also been in relationships that have really hurt me, as the girls cheated on me or told me that they liked someone else. This really hurt my self esteem. It really did. I havent watched gay porn for 2 months now (except for yesterday), and it feels good. I can really do without it in my life. I feel like straight porn is great, but im scared that its the man that gets me aroused. All i want is to be able to love girls like before, and get erections for them I really like women, not lying to myself. I cant bare a thought of having a relationship with a man. Its just the sexual part of men that gets me aroused sometimes, but even then, i dont like it.

Whenever i look at these HOCD forums (which i do a lot), I always feel like other people are truly HOCD and that im in denial because of my childhood and teenage years. That hurts a lot. It really get me thinking, which i hate.

The hardest part is, I still get severe urges to masturbate to gay porn and fantasies about other guys today. I dont know if this is gay porn/fantasy addiction, but i truly want it to stop! honestly i feel soooooooooooo depressed after i orgasm to it, and then i have to go onto forums to make myself feel better and reassure my self. It seems like I cant help myself to masturbating to gay porn, even though Im starting to really feel disgusted by it.

Yesterday, I went onto the emptycloset website and someone said the following:

"The first thing I will say is that by having OCD and having false fears of being gay does not mean you are not in fact gay. Cases have existed where the person in distress has suffered from genuine ocd about this fear to the point that it has prevented them from accepting their true orientation. Being treated for ocd will not guarantee you are not of homosexual orientation and the treatment for ocd (CBT with ERP) will, in the end, result in the acceptance of your homosexuality if you are in fact homosexual. Second of all, it is very unlikely for the OCD sufferer to experience arousal to homosexual stimulus and erotica. Typically, the OCD sufferer will be aroused by erotica of the orientation they identify with and not be aroused by erotica of the orientation they fear being but still remain uncertain of their orientation. This uncertainty can drive an ocd sufferer to the ends of their sanity to try and find an answer."

I cannot explain how much that spiked me. I cried for hours. The fact that I mastubated to gay fanasies for sooo long during my teen years and still cant stop doing it scares me to death. God knows how much I want to be with women. But during my teen years, and still now, my self esteem has been so low that it seems like i only concentrated more on acctractive guys and how better they were than me, than on girls. UHHHH!!!! I just want to know who I am, gay and in denial or do I have HOCD?

Sorry for the long essay, but im just going through a rough time right now. Please help me know what i am.... please.