This couple tried the"Ecstatic Exchanges," the nightly recipe set out in Peace Between the Sheets. They voluntarily sent in their experiences as they went through the experience, beginning in July, 2003.
My wife, L., and I have started the healing phase. I first read a review of your book in planetlightworker.com and then ordered two copies, but did not pick them up to read for half a year, when I experienced a life twisting incident. After another week of soul searching I picked up the book and introduced L. to the concepts, many of which she was already aware of. I will send my impressions on a day-to-day basis so that you can get a look at one couple's progress. Keep in mind that we are happily married to start with.
We have been together for 13 years and maried for 8. Both of us have integrated masculine/feminine balance as well as anybody I've ever met. Our conventional sex life has always been a couple magnitudes above that of our closest friends. Through the last 13 years I have noticed a rolling curve of intimacy, periods of disinterest with massive fatigue on my part, and constantly checking out the ladies. This is the next logical step. It is a pleasure to thwart the ends of the gods who manipulated our biology to keep the gig going on "planet separation" shhhh... not too loudly here.
If you read this feedback, I want to thank you for all your hard work and trailblazing. M. S., Wisconsin
I took the lead and guided L. through the receptive/giving roles. Immediately our hearts started to move closer. At the end she suggested a ritual of "One of the things I appreciate about you is..." We had no trouble with heating up, although in the morning I awoke with a persistent hard-on. I recycled. Yesterday I was drained and fatigued today, my energy has taken a leap and I can't wait until she gets home so I can hug her and tell her I love her. We last had orgasmic sex four days ago. It will be interesting to see how it is manifest during the next two weeks.
In the early afternoon of day two in the program we were still pretty cuddly. By evening I was feeling the separation part of a hangover. Intimacy: I could take it or leave it. My eagerness to keep the program going is what kept me moving forward, focusing down the road on the prize. L. seemed to be forcing herself into the motions. Too exhausted for giving. Looking for reasons to skip tonight's practice. We had a decent snuggle though, and discussed developing the habit of loving touch. I suspect that when a human touches another with the intent of love, it translates to other recipients as well. By this I mean we will learn to infuse everything we contact, and when people have contact with those things it will have a positive effect. When vegetables from our gardens end up on plates twenty miles away, our love goes with it. The effect it has can never be measured. Our hands become energy brushes and our hearts become generators of love. Let us paint the world.
L. and I play a hundred little games constantly adding twists and puns. Especially when we are picking through a rough spot, the games keep a light perspective.
Exchange 2 seemed like a setback but I made the best of it. I said to L. that I thought she was too exhausted to be in any type of a giving mode, so I moved it right into the snuggle and focused on sending love. The following day we took a break from our toil to lie down and talk and I bared my soul about many issues around sex and, why, for many of those reasons I was looking for a deeper connection that my soul knew was possible but I had never witnessed. I said that in my head I was a constant womanizer, which to me pointed to a perceived deficit of love that I was seeking to correct. (The disease here is that love is viewed as something outside of one's self.) It didn't seem to threaten her at all. Years ago I tried to take us down the path of polyfidelity, but I had never heard of a successful union of that form, so that was upheaval I did not think was worth the experiment. I could not risk breaking her heart.
Three things we appreciate about each other. We couldn't think of anyone we adore more than each other. It is funny that the appreciation exercise was anticipated by L. on day one. She has not read the book and might not at all. So I read it (as we go) to her, and we discuss what applies to our situation. When in doubt we follow your guidance. We have always slept nude so we leave our clothes off during the Exchanges. No problem. If she were a new lover I would insist she wear a mattress. As I lay with my head in her hands breathing in what she sends, I told her I just felt something move all the way to my feet.
She said she would target a specific part of me and I would try to tell her what part. Stillness. Yes, a vertical crease of warmth through my solar plexus. Bingo, I said this is a demonstration of how powerful we can become with practice. Leave an imprint of love on everything and heal the world. By now our hearts have moved closer again. She readily agreed when I said I have a sense that we are on the threshold of a boundless adventure. In twenty-four hours she moved from ambivalence to interested.
The magic of Exchange 3 has now given L. a sense of expectation. Instead of working to exhaustion and collapsing into bed, we save a little time for our intimate activity.
We are always so giggly and playful with each other that these exercises are becoming delightful games for us. Our adaptation for the love massage through the feet is that we use a pair a crutches for support instead of a chair. And this, children, is how crutches became an intimate tool from our chest of toys. One nifty upshot of the foot exchange is that we learn to infuse love where we walk right into the floor. This should have an effect on others who pass over those places. Imagine what we could do by making this a habit! We have noticed that the giving is as pleasurable as the recieving. I awoke with another strong cock this morning. It has been five years since it was an every-morning part of waking up.
We postponed Exchange 5 last night as L. was tired. We kissed and snuggled and as I held her I sent loving energy to her. This morning I awoke with an even stronger erection. When she awoke, on came the television and then she went downstairs for a bite to eat. I found myself feeling resentful and afraid that she had lost interest in our project. Realizing that I was having these feelings I was able to reflect and remind myself that it may be part of the hangover from eight days ago. As Dr. Dyer said in "I'm OK, You're OK," we just bracket our negative feelings and listen and ask ourselves, "What is the loving thing to do?" I went back to the bedroom to lay down and meditate and soon L. came in asking about what is coming in the Exchange we skipped last night. So you see that all my fearful speculations were of no use.
I view the practicality of verbalizations in Exchange 5 as augmenting the flow of love and helping to develop the feeling of loving attention between the couple. Neither of us felt funny doing the Exchanges so we skipped that statement. During the forty-minute Exchange strong erections came and subsided four times. At one point I felt my pelvis wanting to thrust. This I treated as a signal to focus on tender love and bracket the fertilization behavior. It passed. The strong erections are also signal to me that I am gaining strength, healing. During the post snuggle discussion I also find that I am not afraid to talk about experiences with past lovers even though such talk traditionally pissed off my current lovers (hangover insecurity).
We are growing a nice comfortable life-sustaining intimacy.
Now, after doing Exchange 5 in the morning I find that I am at a high state of erotic energy. Have to stop and recycle about every two hours or the drive toward fertilization behavior occupies my mind. Now, even after thirteen years when we are accustomed to each other's nudity, I find myself doing the "shwing! " when I see her naked. She can't keep her hands off my USDA choice rump roast. In our discussion before Exchange 6 L. said she thought of many more things she wanted to say in the "Some of the things I like about my time with you is..." I find that I am still on guard for the shoe to drop in which she loses interest in the project.
This has befuddled married men for 6000 years. Our spouse can be the most intimate snuggly accepting erotic being in eternity and 90 minutes later she is on the warpath slaying everything that moves, and especially resents anything connected to her man. No wonder men retreat to their caves. A woman with leprosy looks like a better companion than this monster. Then she notices that her man has retreated and further resents him for "shunning" her. His heart aches for the sweetness that died less than two hours ago and he begins to administer pain killers in the form of beer. Then, depending upon which traits are under supression, the alcohol's anti-inhibitory function releases an even more affectionate male (who is rebuffed) or a retaliatory male who becomes the asshole she has always known was in there. Wow, I should have a column!
All this pain and separation because the faux-christian belief, that sex is evil, prevents western society from talking about sex in a mature, constuctive manner. The dark side has us in a double bind. We can't advance our notions because of their campaign to keep us in fertilization mode, which (when expressed) is evil.
Exchange 6: listening
We lay on the bed, pillow on lap, partner resting head on pillow. Our confessions were of things we could have handled better in our youth, but neither of us beat ourselves up over mistakes from which we took time to learn. Hence, the absolution paragraph was corny to us. Both tales involved affairs. The stories were so interesting that we had a hard time refraining from asking questions. L. was too tired for any more activity but wanted to look ahead at #7 in order to prepare. She said she thought there was a part of the evening ritual she could eliminate in order to make room for the Exchanges. Every day yields another step toward commitment to the project.
This morning, same as usual, you know. Recycled a lot.
Residual discussion: None.
Now L. is putting some energy into preparing for the Exchanges. Selecting the music in advance and planning her evening routine so that there is time for our time.
It has been a while since we've danced and we took a while to let the music flow in and express out. She said that I looked like Pan frolicking in the glen. The slow dances were VERY romantic and we ignored my burgeoning wood until the end, which was followed by a recirculation. You can't pay money for fun like this. When I read the excerpt for each Exchange, her favorite part is when I get to the "Whoops!"
Even though the dancing and energy meditation and spooning were very romantic and sexual, I felt fulfilled, and calm with no fertilization drive. I am starting to see L. as a treasure that has never felt so good. I can see you coming up with a version for long-time married people. I introduce your material at appropriate times to our friends. Typically the man wants more sex and the women are all but dead to it. This points to how the women need a much deeper connection in order to stay interested and I think the men will follow because they have nothing to lose. I was wondering what the "christian" backlash has been to your book.
By morning my old friend was back: yup, recirculating. I have gone from about 8 orgasms a week to zero. Hmmm... I wonder if that had anything to do with chronic fatigue.
On a spiritual level, check out the Seventh Fire Ojibway prophecy.
An unexpected benefit is that I am much more attentive to L. Underneath I am finding that I am afraid that I am going to hurt myself by investing all this energy and then be disappointed. This points to me needing an attitude adjustment. In fact, realizing the process of my thoughts, I traced it back to the pathology of my childhood. My parents, good, obedient, mindless Catholics at the time, pushed out 10 children in thirteen years. I was number four. By the time the fourth one comes along a newborn is no longer the precious novelty but an added burden to the load of a three, two and one year old. By the time number six came along the older children (the six and seven year old) stepped in to do some of the nurturing of the newest ones. I remember changing diapers on the 2 year old when I was six.
Mother, and to this day I still don't honor Mother's Day, in her superior intelligence could tell I was different from all the rest, and tried to beat the devil out of me. I came into this world to bust a system, and she could see it in my eyes, and did her duty and oppressed me. I remember the last beating (because I thought I could wait until morning to empty the garbage bucket) at about age ten. I was sick and tired of this mindless rage, so I held my breath and refused to cry. After her arm got tired, she spent some time recovering. I was helping the siblings clean up the playroom when the second wave decended. I held my breath and stood and let her whip away, as she believed God wanted her to. This is why I chose this family, to complete my karma.
She couldn't kill my spirit, but my psyche is still starved for nurturing attention. I believe this has been fueling my being on the constant lookout for intimate partners. Even though I have been monogamous for the last thirteen years, the internal program is relentless. "More sex with more women who don't understand the potential for deeper connection" I saw as a useless diversion, albeit a slight ego boost. My constant hunting program is what motivated me to seek a deeper union. I will ask spirit to design dreams for me that will act as exercises to ameliorate this fear mentioned earlier that I am investing energy for naught.
Through this 46 year experience I have come to understand why people behave the way they do, and it is a supreme challenge to find ways to get through. There is a tremendous amount of anger in this world, and it seems to have reached a higher level than ever. It could go either way at this point. The new agers are trying to bring light and love into the milieu, and the old paradigm mercenaries are equally dedicated to fighting for darkness, believing that the prime creator's will is the same as the dark gods of the old testament. It is both depressing and exhilarating. I remind the "christians" that their religion is at odds with the teaching of Jesus, but most just want my death.
I feel that some day in the future a vast throng of them will reconcile when they discover this truth for themselves. There is no way that one charismatic leader can lead the world to new light, the only way is for the millions of us who are partially awake to do that voodoo that we do. I have always thought that the "second coming" of Christ would be through the back door, sneaking into men's hearts on an individual basis, until we have a critical mass that will make fear and anger impossible. Sometimes it is tempting to leave this world and go to a place where humans are conscious, but that would not fulfill my mission. I have seen far too many grow weary of the darkness and depart when we needed to reinvigorate them. I was headed for departure just before I met L. 13 years ago when the bear came and held my foot to Earth.
This has been "the gospel according to M."
Before beginning Exchange 9 we discussed the face massages. We wanted to do more for each other and massaged the jaw and lips and atlas too. Horniness not uncomfortable. Finding no need for space. L. likes the Exchanges, but does not care for the philosophy. While I was reading the book to her she picked up the newspaper and started to read it. I made her put it down. This could be a manifestation of separation hangover.
We could not find any major fears about merging. I said if it means that you have access to all my thoughts, there are a few kinky fantasies that will shock you. She said she'd like to hear about them. I said soon it will not make any difference because we are moving beyond orgasm. I don't want the chance that she'll want to explore my fantasies and backtrack to old biology. I thought we had everything to gain by merging, but she didn't say much. Now that we are thirteen days from our last orgasm I do remember L. getting these huge energy boosts after sex and usually had to leave the bed and go spend the energy cleaning or something. I was usually disappointed that she didn't want to snuggle, and would then pass into a 15-minute nap. In the last year I started humorously asking her what she is going to do with all the energy I just gave her. You see, during sex for the last year I was breathing in light, passing it down my spine and into her during a passionate kiss while orgasming. I never told her that I did that but I could see a change in her level of tolerance for my "stuff." Also during that time she resolved to quit her job and do what she wants to do. We are organic gardeners. The corporate world was death.
Before I fell asleep I asked spirit for dream experiences that would temper my fear that L. will bolt from the program. This morning I awoke without morning wood and without a sense that there was anything to fear. I do not remember any dreams. I do remember waking several times to send her loving energy. But while feeding animals this morning I felt a growing urge to masturbate to old fantasies. Stopped, recycled, and always, always keeping an eye on the prize.
Yes, I think we need a version of "Peace" for old married couples. I have been copying some of your articles from the web, and passing them out when appropriate. And I donated a copy of your book to my chiropractor's self-help lending library. When ever I go there the women behind the desk devour me with their eyes. Since they have devoured your articles, perhaps they will do the same to their husbands. The focus of heart energy on my wife has tempered my wandering eyes already. There is hope for that bottomless pit of seeking intimacy. I told my ex-wife many years ago that maybe sex was a trick to get us animals to feel tender caring feelings and that it would grow into a noble love if we bothered to ponder what we are doing.
We have always known about our energy bodies and the Exchanges are like baby steps in learning how to use them. We found that loving touch is the key. We can practically design any Exchange we want (we follow the book closely, however) and it will be effective as long as loving touch is used with intention (will).
Every aspect of the Foot Love Exchange was a pleasure. Particularly, giving was easily as pleasurable as receiving.
In the checklist on who is the fish and who is the food it was a tie, but I feel that I am more the fish and given the customs of our society I am not surpised that men, typically denied nurture in childhood, seek more in adulthood.
The energy passing between us is growing more palpable every day. In my eyes she is more attractive than she has been in years.
Big step. We started out the evening with a slow dance. The heart energy flowing between us has expanded. When we form an embrace we do not want to let go. It has been 16 or 17 days since our last lower orgasm.
First L. did her reading from Ken Carey's "Vision." We did a snuggle and kiss and could not let go. We were making love but without penetration. How do I describe how my body and spirit feels when I hold her and she holds me? Our hearts are moving toward unity. Finally we did something or made some joke that allowed us to break for my reading from Tom Robbins "Jitterbug Perfume." More snuggling and kissing. This time we realized we must exercise some discipline and then got out the paper for our self-portraits. We had fun with this too. In addition to adding personal attributes to each other's drawing, we added physical attributes. We never forget to play.
The snuggle started out with the hand on each others genitals and cycling the energy to each other through breath. It lasted all night until the radio came on in the morning. Switching roles, me spooning her then she, me. Staying entwined with arousal coming and going. For the last three weeks I've had a constant stimulus in the left side of my chest and L. has told me that she didn't think it was possible for a human to become even more loving. Now I try to hold this vibration and infuse everything I touch with it.
My middle-aged friends are very receptive to your teaching. I feel it is the greatest gift I can give to them. "Look you've been together twenty years and weathered some marriage-rending storms; you have nothing to lose by trying something that may well feel like paradise."
I checked the calender to be certain, our last orgasms were 17 days ago and always simultaneous. Yesterday during a deeply intimate mid-day embrace L. was looking forward to returning to lower orgasmic sex. Despite not having thrown a fit for some time, she is not convinced that the biological program has destabilizing emotional consequences. I need no convincing; I've seen too many dear sweet partners become distant and nasty after a one-month honeymoon. Some day in the future when the Earth is saturated in love and we realize that we are all here for everybody, this disease will only exist in newcomers who specifically arrive for treatment. By then, we the workers who brought this healing about, will have departed for adventures unknown.
The synchronizing of breath led to deep intimacy. We undressed each other to full nudity with her sighing and moaning at my every touch, keeping it tender and giving. We have been together for thirteen years and have been accustomed to nudity for a long time, although this time my fertilization program wanted to insert itself. There is a joke among our friends that they should call before driving over as they might surprise us.
There is a distance between us now. After the snuggle last night L. cooled. Coincidently the very next Exchange addresses this one step back and two or three forward. We have had a glimpse of the heart orgasm and I don't want to jeopardize the prize by turning back. Myself, I think I drink too deeply from the well of L. This may be the root of the distance. I will have to rectify via meditation, my old disease of malnourishment. My inclination is to stay in Phase One for a few extra days. Evidently I have a neediness that I've learned to hide, and I don't want it to poison the project. I will have to discuss it with L., get it out there so she knows what is going on. Secrets kill.
"The key to this exchange is to focus on your partner rather than your own arousal."
Usually when I give L. a massage I become very aroused. This time I didn't. As I brought more and more deep relaxation to my wife I found that I wanted to prolong the giving. In our follow-up discussion L. said the same. My heart is in a constant state of stimulus. Three weeks ago I was on a constant (internal) hunt for intimate companions. Now I see other attractive women and I think, "I love what L. and I are doing and I don't need to look elsewhere." I was a bull in a candy store afraid that if I didn't sample everything I'd miss something.
We began the activity with a slow dance with soft tender kisses that wanted to go on for three days. I realized this while steering L. around the room with her eyes closed: I am the pilot, she is the boat. If I slip back to biology so will she. We did the hand massages telling our first intercourse stories. They were predictably unimpressive. She at age 15 and I eight years later at age 20. We snuggled while kissing and feeling the heartflow. As she became sleepy we shifted to scissors position, circulating energy until sleep, accepting arousal without the thrust impulse expressing itself. We awoke several times to snuggle and moved into scissors once more before arising in the morning.
I love the nearly constant state of being attracted to my wife. Its effect is seen in many different aspects of our life together. I have a definite sense of Reuniting.
It was a nice evening. We spent almost two hours making love. L. was reporting a purple-colored egg rising above the clouds with flashes of light. I saw two bright orbs moving together. The old reptilian brain tried but could not dominate. We had house guests the next two evenings interrupting the sequence so we will start Phase Two again or even drop back into Phase One. This is just as well because I found that old needy demon beginning to turn me into an energy sucker. Now I have started reading the book again with the new perspective of having done most of the Exchanges. What I am seeing is the huge amount of research you have done. Including the alpha and beta testing before publication. Also, after having the program interupted by house guests and falling back to doing whatever feels good (without orgasm!), I can see where scheduling intercourse nights is best for all the reasons you mention. When I discuss your method of loving sexuality without orgasm, most people's eyes glaze over and they can't imagine sex without cumming.
Right now I realize that we are just in training and it will take a while for the new program to strengthen and prove itself. L. wants that old-time dopamine explosion and I told her we can experiment with it in a couple months as long as we track it on the calendar. Hopefully by then reuniting will be so fulfilling that we will not want that avenue. Thank you for all your hard work and putting up with my progress log.
We selected Exchange 13 as a restart going backward as many days as we missed in Phase Two. I found that I was becoming a gobbler and we definitely felt a decrease in heart energy. Simply discussing the issue honestly opened our hearts, and when we got to the blindfolded mutual exchange we were flowing again. My hands and feet are at a higher vibration because of the intent that we touch only in love. This shows up in fifth cervical spine activity. My chiroparactor thinks the spine is causing the hand vibration but I hypothesize the reverse. We have taken our energy channeling skills and worked out a daily garden blessing. We pull in light from Prime Creator with palms up and then fill a large egg surrounding us. Embracing, we kiss and do small hip circles to get it spinning and then we send it into Earth. It is HOT!
A lot of things are becoming simple spontaneous rituals moving our hearts together. My body is always at a high level of erotic energy. When we sit at the table for dinner and look into each other's eyes, my heart leaps and I feel an erection forming in seconds. Erections are becoming less meaningful as a drive toward fertilization behavior. I think as this happens a good deal of rewiring is going on. A little bird tells me it is one of the keys to activating ... I'm not quite sure what... fertilization drive was the stimulus to move males and females together; now we are rewiring. The stimulus to move together and my body reads it as fertilization drive and promptly produces my delightful little friend who thinks he got the call. I like it. L. tells me I glow now.
Oh yes, the Exchange. Slowly undressing each other with loving touch is a definite scheduled game for periodic future use. Even though I had a big leaky hard-on all through the Exchange and snuggle, it did not get in the way of the heart flow. A few minutes after we quieted down for sleep time, I felt peaceful and satisfied as if we had just made love.
Exchange 14 Revisted
This is the massage Exchange. We started at one in the afternoon because we were expecting guests for the evening. First I lay with my head in L.'s lap while she sent me loving energy. Her touch has become more meaningful with this practice; it feels like a loving unconditional warmth that I have only dreamed of, can't recall feeling it in this lifetime. I suspect this technique can be used to heal almost anything.
First I massaged L. from toe to head using the same touch that she used on me. She looked so contented and peaceful, I wanted to prolong the massage. It took about 20 minutes. L. delivered the best massage I'd ever received. No erotic stimulation attempts but lots of love and a little humor. We end our massages by crawling under the table to kiss the lips of our beloved as there is a hole cut to fit the face. This time she put her big toe on my lips (but it is a cute big toe). We then went uptairs for a snuggle. We then cycled our erotic energy and got dressed for work. The whole Exchange took an hour.
After our guests left we went to bed doing the prayer for union and then she wanted to spoon me all night. This was a milestone because I felt thoroughly loved all night long. I have learned how to receive.
Exchange 15 Revisited
Exchange 15 revisited. First L. piloted me around the house. Then she closed her eyes and I piloted her. Following this we exchanged hand massages and stories in third person of the first time we made love with each other. Whoops! I'm getting hard thinking about it. Gotta circulate. OK, I'm back. During the snuggle part of the Exchange, we lay in each other's arms gazing into our eyes with gratitude for each other's life. After the giggles, kisses, smiles, and sweet expressions of thanks turned to yawns and heavy lids, we moved into "prayer for union" scissors style. I found that I wasn't as aroused as a week ago when we did this. The concept I got this time is that we are trying to reprogram our genitals for energy giving and receiving, where before I was more focused on the pleasure of naked genital contact.
We spent about 25 minutes comfortably smiling into each others eyes cycling energy through us and then spooned into sleep. What most impresses me so far is that when she touches me with love I feel it and welcome it with safety. How can this be that it took 13 years to get to this point? Most couples don't reach it in fifty years of marriage. You really don't know how guarded you keep your heart until you feel the freedom of loosening shackles.
We were both tired after working until dark. I held L's head and sent loving energy and then for some reason I thought of a speech I screwed up in high school thirty years ago and I fear it poisoned the flow. It did not feel nearly as endearing as the night before. We experimented with different positions and found that we were just too tired. Scissors was the easiest to relax into. During the night I awoke several times with conflicting drives, to keep going with the spiritual reuniting, or to chuck it all for orgasmic sex. At one point in half-sleep I felt a strong urge to bury my cock into the earth (we were sleeping on the ground outside) and thrust until orgasm. The discussion part in the book for the next Exchange was once again timely ("Temptation Alert"). In the morning I realized I was out of balance. I spent the day keeping my mind still and working on rebalancing, with lots of love coming from L. That was the key. I needed support from my wife. By evening I feel we were back in balance.
We were connecting in the energetic realm again. We were confused about what it means to synchronize breathing. It can mean two things: we inhale and exhale in unison or we complement breathing where I exhale while she inhales. We decided that synchronize means unison more than complementary. Either way, using our human intent will yield a stronger effect than doing it by some rule with doubts in our minds. L reported that during prayer she felt strong energy flowing. During the night we moved into prayer two more times. Now I am no longer shy about asking her to hold me and the effect has helped keep me in balance.
This morning we sat down and planned our day together. This will probably become a ritual. During the day we spontaneously do the "One thing that you do that makes me feel loved is..." and we take breaks to embrace. Our love is flowing strongly today. I was doing some reading on the web under Tantric Sex. I don't remember the site, but the phrase that jumped out at me was the biblical line about "wasting the man's seed." I wonder if this led to confusion about sex only for purposes of procreation. The intent of the author may have been good spiritual advice about addiction to orgasm, and not a restriction on sexuality. Think about the implications of successfully polluting the bible with thinking like this. They get a large portion of the world's population orgasming away without a thought to where their energy is ending up. Where does it end up? When you consciously direct your energy to benefit you and your lover, it is in the hands of the beings it was intended for. It also makes purposeful procreation more effective when the orgasm is used in that way.
Yes Virginia, there is life after sex.
The daily Exchange begins in the morning when we awake and continues all day ending with the instructions from Marnia's book. L. is warmed by the little ways in which we are coming together. The constant smiling, the sharing of daily activities, the cooperation in the plethora of daily tasks, the stopping for warm kisses, the true feeling of uniting, the looking for things we can do for each other. It is all energy gathered/generated by us being put to use by us.
This evening we began by undressing each other for bathing. When we built our house, I installed dual shower heads so that we could bathe together. We then did some neck and shoulder rubs while expressing why we love our time together. Stepping into the candle-lit shower I first bathed my beloved then she bathed me and we dried each other with towels and kisses to every part of our bodies. This is going to be scheduled at least one night per week in the near future. Holding hands we took the candles and walked to our bed. My darling laid me down and covered me with loving touch and delicious kisses and slid down onto me. We synchronized breathing for fifteen minutes while looking into each other's eyes. After a while we changed to scissors and continued. No earth shattering blasts of energy, just relaxing holding, breathing until the barely discernable energy waned. We disconnected and held each other with tender kisses. As my erection slowly diminished, a satifying warmth crept upon me and L. said she was feeling a slight buzz.
For how sexually charged I've been feeling over the last three weeks, I am reassured by my total feeling of satisfaction. You would think that for how crazy in love we are, with the erotic bathing and touching and speaking, that we would feel frustrated by not orgasming together or even getting heated up. We simply feel satisfied and my energy has gone up. It feels like we are entering a steady state of feeding each other warmly. This is the longest I have gone without orgasm since age 13 and for the first time I don't miss it. Over the last three weeks of doing Exchanges I have also lost my addiction to playing Freecell on the computer. I used to tear through a couple dozen games on some days and had a winning streak of 1400 games. Who cares!?
L. is a participant in more of my dreams while sleeping. We just adore each other. My blue heeler is barking at a pack of coyotes, I'd better check it out. See you tomorrow.
The most powerful thing we experienced in #20 was the mood setting in which we face each other with right hands over each other's hearts covering with our left hands. I have found that the eye contact is such a clean avenue of energy exchange that L often takes a step back. I think we will have to train to step into it rather than shrink from it. I am in the leadership role here, and I don't know how healthy that is where progress depends solely upon my guidance. Again, speaking directly to L. about this is the best move. In the defensive-isolation Exchange, in which we take turns untangling each other with loving touch, L's audible responses indicate that I have learned to focus energy through loving touch. The challlenge is to make it a habit. The snuggle had a rich love flowing between us and we always end with the energy circulation set up by prayer-for-union until sleep.
During the day after #20 I felt a rise and fall in energy between us. By evening we were at a high level again. On the discussion for designing an intimacy schedule, L. has a hard time with the idea, after a lifetime of following the western model of being a slave to the "magic" of spontaneity. She wants it left open ended; I want to schedule. We will work something out. The Earth/Universe meditation left us glowing until morning with rich endearments and entwined union all night long (but no intercourse) and into the next day. By afternoon the energy was pulsing backward, an ebb to the flow. I've found this to be the reality now. Our state of union pulses like this. For instance: last night was an intercourse night during an ebb and we only had energy for a little mood setting and I had to wait until it was OK to turn off the television (I'm going to kill that thing) to proceed. The pulse seems to have a period of about 72 hours. I might reset our schedule so that the flow part of the pulse coincides with intercourse and in that way it will appear to be spontaneous for L. In our minds now we are working out some type of scheme for Exchanges.
It has been a roller coaster of hope and fear, with hope slowly gaining over the weeks. I have always felt that the connection between male and female has the potential to be most profound, and after getting a glimpse that it is possible, I could never be satified with the western model ever again. Shit, I never was satisfied in the first place. I plan on continuing for at least another two months of primarily-nurturing Exchanges with developing a more profound spirituality. And then I might just rest and be passive and see if L. picks up the ball, because I have been the leader, and it is hard to say what the enthusiasm of the other player is until the leader steps aside. My dominant impression at this time is that L. would be entirely content to go back to spontaneous western sexuality, and while this has been a rewarding experience for her it is not a high enough priority. If I do step aside, should I do this with or without telling her? I think without telling her. This will allow her to realize what is most important to her.
What have I given up to go through this? Some orgasms. What have I gained? Much more than I can list right now. M.