Popping the Question

Marnia's picture
Submitted by Marnia on
Printer-friendly version

fish coupleYou've just met a wonderful new potential lover, and you want to experiment with sexual alchemy, or controlled intercourse. But how to persuade a new lover to try the ideas? It's not easy. In fact, the script too often goes something like this:

At the beginning he agreed to try abstaining from orgasmic sex. However, his actions were not consistent with his words. I tried to explain the concept, but he wouldn't educate himself, and didn't go for it. Then he said, "we'll just be friends." I should have left it at that, and he might have changed his mind, but I thought, "I would not like to look back and leave a nourishing experience with this man, which would be healing and helpful for both of us, just over the issue of orgasm."

wishful thinkingWhatever the rationalization, the couple has conventional sex before trying a non-orgasmic approach. Swiftly the lingering post-passion withdrawal symptoms (which we call the "hangover") completely shift the lovers' perceptions of each other. Typically, he feels uneasy and defensive, and she feels needy:

He mentioned he doesn't want to feel vulnerable. What happens is that I feel Love for him even more, which is frustrating.

This uncomfortable situation is very unstable. All of that delicious energy that begins to rise during early courtship days, flows out instead of up through the heart. When this happens, the glow of selfless, mutual love seems like a dream that never really happened. Depending upon whether the post-orgasmic letdown makes you feel needy or depleted, you start acting clingy or distant — although it will seem to you that the problem is solely your partner's. The end is usually not far off:

Well that didn't take long; the relationship is now over. It was hurtful (he was more concerned with how my hair looked than with being open and giving). I think I will take a break from relationships for a while because up to this point, they have been sad and unfulfilling. I just don't want the usual, standard kind of experience anymore. But for now, I realize I love my freedom, and I am okay with being alone. I was choosing men who didn't fit me.

Was she? Not necessarily. It's very difficult to maintain a clear, that is, loving, mutual perception under the influence of conventional sex. Remember, our standard genetic programming wants us to grow disillusioned and move on to a new partner. Over time, this results in greater genetic variety. After an experience like the one recounted above, true love seems like an illusion, and deeply fulfilling relationships impossible. It's easy to grow cynical, and feel very wise and about "love," - or believe there is something "wrong" with you. When this happens, it is a great loss. Intimate relationships can greatly enhance our experience of life, if handled carefully.

What about Men?

This challenge of persuading a lover to try something new is perhaps even harder for men. Here's an account from a friend who described her new courtship as, "I can guarantee you that we will be spending some (most) of our one hour together kissing. It was too glorious yesterday. I feel completely overwhelmed, and ecstatic at the same time. We're like a run-away train right now." Yet,

man bearing lightHe has told me very clearly (verbally and in writing) over and over again ... that he doesn't care about the physical union nearly as much as truly uniting with me in mind, soul, and spirit. He SAYS he's willing forego the physical connection entirely (although this thought gets forgotten quickly when we're together). He's told me that he's imagined us just lying together (naked) ...all night long, ... and not "doing" anything, except holding each other. He says if he wonders if we're "strong enough" to do this. He says he spends hours imagining everything else (holding each other, merging in every way he his mind can dream up) except physical penetration.

She couldn't hear the veiled request in his remarks:

I want HIM to figure it out on his own, and come to me on his own, and tell me what he wants. That's the only way I'd be willing to give [avoiding orgasm] a try. I respect him ... more than words can describe. And if HE thinks it's worth a try ... then ... well ... maybe I should give it a try. I need a completely detached, rational other person, who loves me to agree with the sacred sex approach.

Her own biological commands were coming through loud and clear:

I have to admit though ... I've not exercised nearly as much discipline as he has (I've imagined the entire act in my mind ... several times, in much detail!!). But, as I said, I truly believe he is way ahead of me (spiritually).

Now I ask you, what red-blooded man, madly in love and anxious to please (because his dopamine has not yet dropped after orgasm), is going to make a louder, clearer request to try a non-standard approach? If she doesn't read his signals and respond with enthusiasm, then he will assume she wants conventional sex - and he will deliver it (just as his primitive brain is signaling that he should).

What to do?

Those of us who are convinced of the benefits of sacred sex (Karezza, controlled intercourse) need to prepare better for this critical juncture in new relationships.

Strategic Decision No. 1

Understand that if you want a smooth launch into a connection based on controlled intercourse, you need to persuade a lover to try it first - that is, before conventional sex. As a friend said:

I hear what you're saying. I can always sleep with him, but I can't unsleep with him. That's a nice logical rational point, which I will concede.

But fallen 'one way' signshe may not fully understand why. Controlled intercourse doesn't produce the same neurochemical roller coaster ride as orgasmic sex. This means that your perception of each other tends not to deteriorate, as it does with conventional sex. In practical terms, this means that those annoying little things like the "wrong" hairstyle remain endearing attributes in your lover, whereas during the weeks after orgasmic sex, those same traits are blown out of proportion and you perceive them as major annoyances. Tarnished perception of each other makes the transition to controlled intercourse far harder. Subconscious uneasiness will already have entered the relationship. This familiar sensation brings up similar memories from past relationship pain with other partners. Mistrust then makes both lovers defensive. A heart connection is harder to sustain. Worse yet, the withdrawal period from conventional sex can last as long as two weeks. This means that even if your beloved recognizes that conventional sex is indeed driving its usual wedge between you, and at last is willing to try another approach, he or she will be feeling as open, tolerant, generous or good-humored as usual. This can cause discouraged failure, as friction is more likely, and you won't see the promised benefits for weeks. So if your partner understandably thinks you're being unfair to insist on making love "your" way, find a way to try controlled intercourse first. Tell him/her that you want to try it for a month or six weeks. At the end of that time, if he/she is feeling unsatisfied, you will try conventional sex.

Strategic Decision No. 2

Educate your partner — but do it indirectly. People need time to think about this approach and reflect upon their past relationships. If you try to persuade your partner with arguments, he/she will tend to project any initial resentment toward the concept onto you. Avoid this by asking your partner if he/she would be willing to give you an opinion on some material about this other approach to sex. reading in bedVisit www.reuniting.info and choose an article like, Why Does A Lover Pull Away after Sex?. Or recommend one of these free online sacred sex classics. Or suggest Peace Between the Sheets. Any of these texts will spark a healthy discussion, and allow you clear up any misconceptions, with little antagonism. Remember that what you're proposing is totally foreign to most people. It can be very comforting for a neophyte to see that the tradition of controlled intercourse is long and venerable. (See the various "Wisdom" articles at this site if you need more supporting materials.)

What Else Will Help Me Persuade My Lover?

  1. Be clear about your goal. If your commitment to this concept is spongy, and your partner has only ever explored conventional sexuality, you will end up adhering to biology's script. Is your mission to protect and enhance your lover's well-being, or to gratify fleeting sexual urges?
  2. Recognize that sexual energy is explosive and unstable at the beginning of a relationship. Keep your clothes on while negotiating with your lover. Soothe your partner's desire with lots of affectionate, but not intentionally-erotic touch. Imagine sending nurturing energy from your heart through your hands. Breathe together in stillness frequently, to stabilize the energy.
  3. See yourself as a shining ray of light, or a spring of sparkling, life-giving water. Be determined to put the well-being of your partner before your agenda on every level. Since isolation is not as healthful as trusted companionship and loving intimacy, what your partner may crave is not in his/her best interest.
  4. Remind yourself that you cannot hold your lover by making him/her addicted to you sexually. The power to seduce someone is a heady experience, but seduction is not emotional glue. The most likely scenario is brief fireworks, followed by emotional separation and discouragement.
  5. Resign yourself to a gradual approach. Even the most willing partner cannot usually make an instant transition from conventional sex to non-orgasmic sex. Take a slow approach, with lots of generous affection. Do not add intercourse until you have been sleeping together each night for at least a couple of weeks, and are feeling stable and calm.
  6. However humble you may be, understand that you, and the choices that you make, are important. Don't underestimate your ability to make the world a better place by using your life force energy safely.
  7. Recognize the spiritual significance of the choice between biological sex and spiritual sex. If you are clear that your spiritual path will be either retarded or enhanced depending upon how you use your sexual desire, your resolve will be stronger.

goddess at the gateDon't be afraid to aim high.

The aim of marriage as a sacrament is the restoration of the celestial or angelic image of man as he should be. Sexual love should not be confused with the instinct for reproduction; its true function is to help man and woman to integrate internally the complete human image, that is to say the divine and original image. - Franz von Baader

Critical decision point

The decision of whether or not to drift into conventional sex often turns out to be a "point of no return" in a new intimate relationship. Why make this decision casually? It is here that we either support each other in reaching toward greater spiritual awareness - or we slip back into fertilization-driven sex — and, once again, turn our stardust to sawdust.