[From Advanced Yoga Practices Forum]
Q: What can I do if the Goddess cannot withhold orgasm during connection?
A: You may find the following interchange helpful. Bottom line: All in her own time...
Q1: First I would like to thank you for your wonderfully organized and informational website. Your thoughts and teachings are easy to understand and very consistent, without using so much traditional language as to be confusing.
Me and my wife have found tantric techniques to bring great pleasure into our lives. For almost two years, we have been using the holdback technique as well as yoni massage and sacred spot massage to create a deeper and stronger bond during our sexual experiences. I truly enjoy staying in front of my orgasm and worshipping her as a divine goddess while she enjoys incredible multiple orgasms. Our union is so strong, it is as if we are one being in total bliss. We do not so much feel a sense of pranic drain from her orgasm, but more of a sense of total and complete mutual satisfaction due to our close coupling. Is there anything wrong with following a path where the man stays in front of his orgasm so that both lovers can enjoy the greatly increased capacity for orgasm in her?
A1: Thank you for your kind note and sharing. I am very happy that you are finding the AYP lessons to be helpful.
On tantric sex, the experience of the man having good ability in holdback and the woman having multiple orgasms is an interim step on the path of tantra. You may both enjoy it as long as you wish. But know that your bhakti will eventually take you beyond that to preorgasmic sex for both partners. Which is not to say orgasms will not happen. It is only that the neurobiology higher up will become much more enjoyable than orgasm for your partner and she will eventually want to go higher with her energy, just as you are.
Of course all of this is predicated on a good routine of sitting practices including deep meditation, spinal breathing and so on. With steady-state inner silence and ecstatic conductivity coming up, the expansion of sexual function to become increasing spiritual will occur naturally.
If you read the Secrets of Wilder novel, you will find one scenario of how this can evolve over the years. It is also discussed in the AYP tantra lessons on the website and in the AYP Easy Lessons book.
You might like to surface this question in the AYP forums also, where you can receive other opinions. It is a great place to discuss practices.
Q2: Thank you for your answer, it seems our bhakti will eventually lead us to the right path for us.
Reading more and more of your site, I was quite amazed to find I had already instictively discovered Mulabandha, and, partially, Sambhavi without knowing what they were!
I do have one last question - I have realized that for me, orgasm is something from which I must abstain completely - the drain of my prana is far too great, and I don't feel my energy anywhere close to before for even two weeks or more. Will this ever be the case for my wife? I would not want her to have to give this pleasure up forever, and I confess I take great enjoyment in helping her to achieve intense and extended orgasms. Will she still be able to enjoy this pleasure occasionally, or even regularly, without harming our yoga?
Thank you again for your wisdom. There are many "false prophets" out there, and it is clear you are not one of them.
A2: I don't think it is a matter of your wife giving anything up. When the shift happens, she will be going to more via direct perception of that. It can happen gradually over a long period of time, or be a sudden inspiration. It is really up to (and within) her. Of course you can help a lot with that by being open to to what is happening and encouraging her toward more lasting ecstatic bliss. And yes, women generally are less depleted by orgasm, though there are exceptions. In the lessons I say that multiple female orgasms can lead to depletion similar to a single orgasm for a man. A number of woman have told me this. But I am not a woman, so direct experience will be the best guide for women in this matter. For some feminine inspiration on this subject, check out the book The Art of Sexual Ecstasy by Margo Anand. You can find it and other books on sexology on the AYP book list http://www.aypsite.org/booklist13.html
One thing is for sure -- there is much more to be found in front of orgasm than behind it for both men and women. To this end, there is a new AYP book coming out in the spring called:
Tantra - Discovering the Power of Pre-Orgasmic Sex
It will be a companion to the new book, Deep Meditation, and others that will be coming out this year and next on a wide range of practices, comprising the "AYP Enlightenment Series."
Q3: Thanks again. Clearly the shift will be up to her, and when and if she choses that, I will support her fully. To be honest, this point seems far off for us. We have yet to embrace a truly guided approach; until now, we've picked up some useful information here and there, but some of our practices are confused, some are missing, and some are underdeveloped. She has yet to embrace meditation and breathing practices. To that end, I bought the AYP book today - the online lessons are great and well organized, but it would be much nicer to be able to read and study them together in a book. I see my yoga as starting over from the beginning, and hers truly beginning as we work first on basic practices - any insight we may have gained so far, and my already well conserved prana can only help us.
As far as not knowing if she feels the same energy drain as I do in orgasm, surely this is something I can never know. But I think we both do sense that it is far less (although she does find multiple orgasms to be draining). One thing of which I suppose again, we may never know, but seems to be the case, is that she seems to reach far greater pleasure in orgasm now than I ever was able. If it truly is the case that her pleasure from it is far greater, and her drain far less, this makes me wonder if she might never need or want to stop having orgasms. On the other hand, if her pleasure in pre-orgasm alone can top that, that would be a great delight for both of us to share. Neverthless, it is clear this must be a decision for her to make when she is ready, and not something I would want to push her towards unless she feels a natural drive for it. Perhaps this is part of the reason why for a couple learning tantra, the man must take the first steps.
In any case, thanks for your time, and I look forward to sharing your book with my wife!
A3: Don't know if you intended to give your wife the new Deep Meditation book in addition to having the AYP Easy Lessons book on hand (good idea). The former is a short but thorough primer for folks who may have no prior interest in meditation or spiritual practices, and is much easier to digest than the entire body of AYP lessons.
The "more" that pre-orgasmic tantric practice aids in cultivating is found in our 24 hour living. We go from a limited-duration peak experience of orgasm to living in a state of ecstasy throughout our daily life. It is a permanent transformation of the basic functioning of our nervous system. That rise of ecstatic conductivity, combined with the rise of inner silence via meditation is the foundation of enlightenment.